Blanchard LeaderChat

Nervous about Managing Your Former Boss? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 06 Dec 2025 12:05:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I was hired into my company a few years ago. I love my company and my job. The person who was my boss when I started had some kind of personal issue and took a leave of absence. He was a great boss and taught me a lot.

There has been a ton of reorganization in the company and my group has had several leaders, none of them particularly invested in us. I have been informed that I am going to be promoted as of January 1 to lead the team, which I find both exciting and scary.

I just learned my original boss will be joining my team. Now I am terrified. How is that going to work? How do I lead the person who was my boss when I knew nothing at all? It feels so weird.

Any tips for me as I go into uncharted territory?

Weirded Out

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Dear Weirded Out

Oh, this is indeed an uncomfortable situation. But if your former boss is okay with it, there is no reason for you to be overly concerned. You may want to address the weirdness head-on instead of trying to pretend it isn’t awkward.

My experience working with managers in organizations is that more and more hierarchies are being dismantled in terms of one person having a lot of power over others. But someone needs to have oversight to make sure

the right work is getting done by the right people in the right time frame,
people have what they need to get the work done, and
everyone has a direct connection to the organization as a whole.

Often a boss is more of an air traffic controller than anything else, making sure everyone knows exactly what is expected of them and what a good job looks like—and ensuring that people stagger their holidays!

Your former boss may actually want to be an individual contributor again. Having the conversation about how the two of you will work together would be a good first step; one you will want to take with each of your direct reports. It isn’t that unusual for managers to have less experience and subject matter expertise than those who report to them. You don’t have to know more than your people, but you do need to know your people.

In terms of other tips on leading the team, you might break down what your former boss did that made him a great boss, and attempt to replicate those things. The point of view at Blanchard is that the best thing you can do as a boss is to “catch people doing things right,” leverage strengths, help people mitigate their weaknesses, and redirect when necessary without blame or judgement. The thing you want most is for your people to feel like you have your finger on the pulse of the organization so that they feel connected and that you have their backs. You might want to check out our *free* Leadify app, which is a treasure trove of content for emerging leaders.

It is appropriate to be nervous. Leading others is a big responsibility that will force you to grow as a leader and a person. You will make mistakes because everyone does. Simply admit it when you do, and learn from each one to avoid repeating it.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

Suspect Your Direct Report Is Working Two Jobs? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 29 Nov 2025 12:13:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

There is no way to sugar coat this: I suspect one of my direct reports has taken another job.

Most of my team is virtual. A few people live locally, but after Covid we never insisted that people come to the office. I got quite good at managing a hybrid team (I took the Blanchard class) and all was well for a long time.

Now one of my consistently high performers who is super dependable and accessible seems to have gone underground. His work product isn’t bad, per se—it is still high quality—but his presence for team collaboration, in terms of choices/decisions that need to be made in real time, is non-existent. His input has always made a difference to the team, and it is now noticeably absent.

He seems to be online, but when I ping him on Teams it can take hours for him to respond. Up until about six months ago, it would be minutes. He used to always be on camera and now he never is. In a few of our on-on-ones I have shared some observations, and he has responded with “well, it would be much better if we could do a lot of that stuff in scheduled meetings. I am trying to focus on my work and protecting my thinking time.”

I remarked on the situation to my partner, and he is the one who said, “He has probably taken another job. A lot of people are doing that now.” It had simply never occurred to me, but now I can’t get the idea out of my head. When I look at his behavior through that lens, it all starts making sense.

The question is, what do I do about it? If I am wrong, I risk sounding accusatory. If I am right, and he admits it, then what?

Doubtful

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Dear Doubtful,

Oh, isn’t this a can of worms? First, I would caution you not to simply blurt out your suspicions. The fact that the idea (now that it is in your head) keeps being re-enforced is a perfect example of confirmation bias, defined as “the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.” Your MIA (Missing in Action) person could have any number of things going on that aren’t what you anticipated and you could risk damaging the relationship beyond repair. Even if you are right, without some clear idea of what you might do about it, you won’t get very far.

To decide what to do you will want to get HR involved. Presumably there is an employee handbook, which hopefully outlines what is expected of a full-time exempt employee. I checked Blanchard’s and it outlines that employees shall be sanctioned for things like:

Excessive absenteeism or tardiness, including a pattern of absenteeism or tardiness
Job abandonment
Sleeping or malingering on the job. (When was the last time you saw the word malingering used in a sentence?!

I suspect that your company probably has something similar. The ability of people to hold down two full-time jobs seems to be a fairly new development, and most companies do not specifically prohibit it. Those who do worry about it tend to invest in employee monitoring software like tracking software, video surveillance, and email monitoring (which fills me with dread).

If there is any action to be taken, it would need to be in response to concrete evidence of MIA’s change in performance, not unsubstantiated suspicions. I would submit to you that team members making themselves available to weigh in on fast-moving decisions might actually be part of a job description. If MIA is unable or unwilling to do that, it would mean that he has simply decided to not do part of his job.

I can’t argue against people needing focused work time to concentrate and get work done, but that kind of thing needs to be structured with the team’s needs in mind. You are absolutely within your rights as a manager to request that all team members indicate when they are engaged in focused work time, as well as when they expect to be available.

You have some choices:

You can ask MIA what is going on and continue to get the runaround;
You can decide that his contribution is good enough and simply accept it; or
You can pinpoint exactly what feels like a significant drop in performance, call it out, and request a change. Be prepared with specific examples of what a good job looks like and the consequences for lack of compliance with your request. Oddly enough, this approach might trigger MIA to share the truth with you if it isn’t a second job. A health issue or that of someone close to him is a likely culprit.

At the very least, it is critical that you carefully document every single incidence where you expect your employee to be engaged with the team online and find that he is not. You may very well see a pattern emerge that will shed light on the situation. Even if you don’t, if it becomes a performance issue, you will have what you need to let him go.

It is very disappointing when a formerly high-performing member of your team is all of sudden barely showing up. Often it is because they have some kind of personal crisis going on, and you’d like to think that your employee would trust you enough to share it so you can properly support them. But some people are very private and have experienced employers using private information against them. I personally would err on the side of giving them the benefit of the doubt until actual evidence that causes me to change my mind becomes available.

Be discreet, be fair, and be kind. Document thoroughly. All will become clear with time.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Need to Set Guidelines Around AI Use? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 22 Nov 2025 11:51:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I lead a team that is responsible for content marketing for a consulting and research firm. After a lull the company started growing rapidly, and I now have a large cohort of bright recent grads. We hire graduates from top universities, and a gig with us is often seen as an ideal path to business school or other advanced degree programs.

Part of this group’s job includes conducting research for some of the consulting teams. All the younger people are very comfortable with using AI, and it is causing a real headache. At first I was thrilled with how fast they were working compared with some of my longer-term employees. I reviewed their decks, which were well built and cogent. But soon the complaints started trickling in and now they have grown into a raging river.

It turns out that, unbeknownst to me, the new people use AI almost exclusively despite our very expensive subscriptions to multiple reputable research sites, and they can’t tell truth from fiction. Some of the work they have submitted has conflicting facts. Although I didn’t catch these, the consultants are experts in their fields and knew what to look for. I feel like a fool for not anticipating this problem—but, more to the point, I am not sure what to do about it.

Are other people dealing with this endless flow of garbage? How are companies handling this?

AI Bah Humbug

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Dear AI Bah Humbug,

I had read about how schools are creatively addressing the problem of students using AI to write their papers, but I haven’t heard of leaders in companies needing to tackle the issue. This doesn’t mean you are alone.

Everywhere I look, I hear about how AI is coming for our jobs. At Blanchard we take the threat—and the opportunity—very seriously. We have dealt with it at our company by adopting the stance that AI is a useful tool to augment, not replace, what humans can bring to the table. I suspect other companies like yours, that can benefit from the use of AI, are doing what we are doing:

Providing role-specific onboarding for internal and client-facing employees to outline what is and is not acceptable use of AI
Demonstrating proper use of ethical, credible, and effective use of AI with case examples and scenario playbooks
Requiring ongoing training and upskilling to support employees as AI becomes smarter

You can read more about our point of view on the best practices around AI in our e-book Leading with Humanity in the Age of AI. It is specific to our industry, but there might be some useful tips for you.

I imagine you’ve always had to provide strong direction to your new hires and may have been lulled into a high level of confidence by the apparent speed and skill of this new crop of grads. But now you know their skills are not quite what they seemed.

You will probably have to go back to square one with this group and explain that they cannot rely on AI. Show them how to fact-check and ensure that the materials your consultants need to do their jobs are 100% reliable. Teach them how to use tools that you know can be trusted. You could probably use AI to help you create a training syllabus. (I was kind of kidding, but I realize as I type this that you actually could.)

You might consider leveraging what the new people know by having them show you and some of your longer-term team members how to use AI to take work out of the system. Just because relying 100% on AI is a problem doesn’t mean you should let the revolution pass you by.

The change in how we all work as AI seeps into everything we do is moving fast and speeding up. Learning as an organization how to use it well (and how not to use it) will help everyone.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Manager Is Cold and Critical? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 15 Nov 2025 12:20:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a big internet company doing ad sales. This is my first real job out of school and I feel lucky to be hired by a company with such a great reputation. I also make enough to afford to rent a decent apartment while most of my friends live in tiny, roach-infested dumps.

I like the job, my colleagues, and the working environment (good snacks!). It is a lot of pressure but I am good at the job, so I am holding my own.

My issue is my manager. He is so cold. He does nothing but criticize me, always finding fault. It makes me super anxious to be anywhere near him. To be fair, I do get better at everything he picks on—so he is helping me be more successful.

I have complained about him to my peers. The guys all report that he is not cold and critical of them. It seems to be just the girls he is that way with, and none of them seem to care. The guys laugh at me and call me DF—short for Delicate Flower. I am sensitive, so I don’t argue.

This feels so unfair that I wonder if I should report it as a gender inequality thing. I doubt if that would change things, though—it might make things even worse.

What do you think?

Anxious

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Dear Anxious,

Congratulations on landing yourself such a good job! It sounds like your situation has a lot going for it: you like a lot about it, you are developing some important skills, and you are making good money. And let’s not forget about the snacks!

I understand how difficult your day-to-day job feels. It seems things would be pretty much perfect if your boss at least pointed out what you were doing well. All the research tells us that a huge percentage of entry-level employees are not getting any direction or nearly enough feedback—so I hate to tell you, unpleasant though it may be, at least you are getting feedback that is helping you be better at your job.

I agree that lodging a complaint would probably not yield anything worthwhile, other than briefly making you feel better. It would be hard to prove misbehavior on your manager’s part. Evidence that would be flagged by HR would be things like:

Your job performance was suffering due to your boss’s preferences. (It sounds like your boss is helping your performance.)
Your boss rated male team members who performed equally or less well than female team members more favorably when it came to reviews. (I am not sure how much insight you have about that data or his track record).
Your boss is creating a hostile work environment. (If your boss made offensive jokes and used slurs when talking about females, targeted only females with intimidation and bullying, or engaged in unwanted sexual conduct, the matter should certainly be escalated.)

It is not illegal for people to connect less well to members of the opposite sex.

One thing you might consider doing, which we teach in our Self Leadership Program, is asking for what you need. It wouldn’t be easy, and it would take courage, but it might just work. You could take the opportunity next time your boss gives you critical feedback. When he is done, ask if he has any specific positive feedback. It could sound something like this: “Thanks for all your help on the things I can do better. I take it to heart and I can see improvement. It would also be helpful to know if there is anything you see that I am doing really well, just so I know where to focus my efforts so they make the most impact.”

You can definitely do a little work on not taking your boss’s personality and preferences personally. The thing to remember is that who he is and the way he behaves has nothing to do with you. Perhaps members of the opposite sex simply make your boss feel awkward. Perhaps your boss is worried that being overly cordial with females might be misinterpreted as inappropriate attention. You have no way of knowing what his story is, but I can say with almost 100% certainty that this isn’t about you. You can have your feelings all day long—and they are certainly valid—but the way to keep them from affecting your mood is to stay focused on facts. You know what you bring to the table. You know what you are doing well. You know that criticism is information you can use to grow and be even better.

I understand that your boss’s behavior feels unfair. But unless he rates your performance unfairly, this situation is unfair the way rain on your picnic is unfair. And that is—well, just life.

Keep your head down and work hard. Keep listening carefully and responding to feedback, and try not to worry. The best positive feedback is your own improvement. You won’t have this boss forever, and hopefully the next one you have will be more personable. When you feel anxious, breathe and pay attention to what is real, not what you feel. You are going to be okay.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Have You Asked Mad?

David Witt — Sat, 08 Nov 2025 16:53:31 +0000

Ask Madeleine is Blanchard’s weekly advice column for well-meaning managers dealing with the challenges of bringing out the best in people in today’s changing work environment. For more than 10 years, master certified coach Madeleine Homan Blanchard has been answering readers’ questions.

How about you? Do you have a work issue that Madeleine could help with? Send your question to askmadeleine@blanchard.com

Curious about the types of questions that other well-meaning leaders have been asking about? Here are some examples:

Leadership transitions or role change: Feeling under-prepared for a new leadership role when promoted or managing different responsibilities.
Poor/inconsistent performance by direct reports: Dealing with team members who are under-performing, or who once delivered but now don’t.
Toxic or mis-aligned work environments: Making decisions about a workplace that has a poor culture, toxic leadership, or misalignment with personal values.
Burnout, change fatigue, and wellness: Feeling depleted, stuck, or disconnected at work whether due to transitions or a lack of meaning or achievement.
Decisions about career moves, job offers, and changing roles: Seeking guidance about whether to take opportunities, leave situations, or balancing risk vs. comfort in career choices.
Work-life boundary stress: Setting boundaries and balancing professional and personal goals.

Where can you use advice? Send your question in today!

About Madeleine

Struggling to Salvage a Relationship with a Direct Report? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 01 Nov 2025 11:40:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am an American working overseas. A few years ago I took a break from adventure travel to make some cash by accepting an entry level job in IT operations.

I was surprised to find that I liked it. Never in a million years did I think I would be happy or successful working in a large corporation. I liked it so much that I stayed with the company and moved to a country where I have dual citizenship so I could keep working.

Long story short, I kept getting promoted and now I find myself in the very uncomfortable position of being the boss of someone who was once, briefly, my boss. I’ll refer to him as H.

H was easily the worst boss I had at this company; maybe ever. He knows that I know how he treats his people. He makes no bones about how much he hates me and tries to undermine me with his peers every chance he gets. He hasn’t had much success with that, which is good, but his lack of power only fuels his desire to sabotage me as well as the efforts of his team.

My HR business partner and my boss know about the situation, so I am not afraid for my job. But I am getting tired of the chaos H creates. The HRBP has suggested I document all of his actions, and both she and my boss have made clear that if I have a good case, I can fire him. I already have more than enough.

I just wonder if there is any way I can salvage this situation. I want to “catch him doing things right,” as Ken Blanchard would recommend, but he literally never provides me with an opportunity. If there is a way to take the high road, I have yet to find it. I hope you might have an insight that could help.

Seeking the High Road

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Dear Seeking the High Road,

How wonderful that you were open-minded enough to experience a happy surprise, and congratulations to you on your unexpected success. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and your willingness to make an effort. Your ability to not take H’s actions personally is impressive.

You have some options, all of which I am sure you have considered. The first is to attempt reconciliation or at least negotiate a peace treaty. If you think there is even a sliver of a chance that H would be open to negotiation, it is worth a shot.

I have been soundly mocked in the comments of columns where I suggest to managers that they try having an open and honest conversation with a direct report who is not acting like a team player. But that won’t stop me from doing it.

The issue with negotiation is that you must be prepared with your bargaining chips: what you are willing to give up and what the consequences are for H should he be unwilling to negotiate. And you will need to be ready to follow through on any consequences you state.

I would recommend you not start with trying to get H to acknowledge what he is up to. Simply cut to the chase and ask what it would take for him to cut it out. If he is smart, he won’t pretend he doesn’t understand what you mean. If he tries to act innocent, it is game over.

If H does take ownership of the damage he is doing, you can offer whatever leadership training is available in your organization, potentially even a coach. You might suggest he subscribe to Leadify, Blanchard’s leadership app. It is free and easy to use. Keep in mind that while you can help people who are willing and ready to become more competent, it is a long road to persuade people to look at themselves in the mirror and work on their character defects.

Your other option is to fire H and start looking for his replacement. Based on the little you have told me combined with your boss’s and HRBP’s assessment, I suspect any other efforts you make will just prolong the distraction. You and your teams may be better served by letting him go, since, despite your best efforts, very few people can be saved from their own nasty disposition. Change is hard for everyone, and most people don’t change until the cost of not changing becomes too high. Even then, many are compelled to dig in their heels until they have lost everything.

Have I become cynical? Possibly. But really, what I want for you is to expend your energy on people who have earned it and where it can make an impact for the better of your teams and your organization.

You may need to try option one just so you know you did everything you possibly could. You have to ask yourself if the juice is worth the squeeze.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Don’t Want to Be a Reference for a Former Colleague? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 25 Oct 2025 11:26:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

Our company is experiencing the pressures of the economic downturn in my country (not the US). One of the solutions has been to eliminate a layer of management. As a result, at least four business units that had been led by VPs are now reporting to me.

I am shocked at the lack of process, fundamental organization, and competence I am seeing in all four of these units. I know the leaders were let go as part of a reduction in force, but I wonder if anyone knew how inefficiently they were being run.

I am finding it hard not to constantly express my confusion and dismay at how things have been done. There are some good people, and most seem grateful to finally have some leadership.

Here is my problem. One of the VPs, someone I was friendly with before he was laid off, has recently been in touch to ask if I will serve as a reference. I just don’t know how I can in good conscience say anything positive about his work.

Caught in a Bind

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Dear Caught in a Bind,

You can’t. This is simpler than you think. Your logic is being clouded by your dismay at uncovering your friendly acquaintance’s incompetence. Since you actually had no insight into his performance while he was with the company, all you can really comment on is what little you experienced of a person you were friendly with.

It is totally reasonable to tell the person requesting a reference that you do not feel you were familiar enough with his work while he was at your company to provide a reference.

That is really all you need to do. If he is hoping you will be so wowed by what you found upon taking over that you will jump at the opportunity, he will probably take the hint. If he is hoping you will just make something up to avoid having to say no, he obviously doesn’t know you very well. You can decline, kindly and respectfully.

Your instinct to keep a lid on expressing your shock and disappointment is right on. Don’t trash the former leaders, much as you want to. You never know who you will end up working with in the future.

Focus on all the turnaround work that needs to be done and take care of all those poorly led people.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Pushing Too Hard on a Direct Report to Grow? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 18 Oct 2025 11:17:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am the general counsel for a complex global conglomerate. I have a direct report who came with me from my last job and has always been terrific. She started as an admin and moved on to being a paralegal. Then, with my support and encouragement, she managed to get through law school and pass the bar. She is now a staff attorney.

She continues to work hard and is super responsive. She is good at creating relationships with the right people in the business units and knows when to escalate problems.

A couple of months ago I thought it would be a good opportunity for her to present a report that she spearheaded to our executive team. She kind of fell apart. I kept asking her to put rehearsals on my calendar so I could make sure she was on the right track, and she would cancel at the last minute, claiming deadlines (which is fair as we always have emergencies). I kept asking to see her draft of the deck and she kept assuring me she was almost done and would send it along, but never did.

On the big day, she did something she has never done in all the time I have known her: she called in sick. She sent me her deck and asked if I could present on her behalf. The deck was fine. It needed about an hour of work from me at the last minute because the level of detail was not appropriate for the group, but it was well organized and looked great.

I have been trying to get her to talk to me about what happened, but she is now actively dodging me. If she wants to keep growing in her career, which I assume she does, she is going to have to get comfortable presenting to senior leaders. Right now she isn’t even comfortable speaking to our team, but she’s going to have to get over it. She is so smart and competent I can actually see her replacing me at some point or being a GC someplace else.

How can help her to face her fears? Am I pushing too hard?

Too Pushy

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Too Pushy,

You are asking the wrong person. It sounds like you have been a dream boss in a lot of ways, but you may want more for your superstar than she wants for herself. Or she may not be ready to ask for your help because she is so used to not needing it that she doesn’t know how. Her avoidance, procrastination, inability to face the discomfort getting your help, and then the final dodge would certainly indicate that she might be one of the many people who have a crushing fear of speaking in public. For someone who is used to being good at things, it can be even harder to face the one thing they do not have confidence in.

In our time-tested SLII^® model we outline the journey of a person learning something new. They start as an enthusiastic beginner. Next, they almost always hit a wall and become a disillusioned learner. Then, depending on the difficulty of the task and the person’s aptitude, they progress to being a capable but cautious contributor. Finally, with practice and experience, they can be trusted to be a self-reliant achiever.

Ideally one’s leader provides the leadership style that matches each person’s development level on any given task. One might argue that in this case you used a leadership style appropriate only for someone in the last stage. I am not blaming you—your employee has done a very good job of sending you the message that she does not need you. She may be uncomfortable admitting to herself that she needs help with anything, which is pretty common among self-sufficient high performers.

I know it is hard to pin someone down when they are actively dodging you, but I think you must insist. Be direct and clear. Send her an email saying you need to meet and talk about what happened and what she wants for herself career-wise. Maybe she is satisfied where she is and has no interest in tackling the speaking thing. Or maybe she does have aspirations but feels unable to face her fears. You won’t know until you:

make sure she knows it is her choice and that you won’t judge her either way;
ask her what her dreams for herself are; and
be ready to offer any support or direction she seems open to.

If she does aspire to growing her abilities, you might work together on a plan to get her comfortable slowly, increasing the stakes as her confidence grows. Have her start with her peers, then maybe a small group of senior leaders. Help her understand how to shape material for the audience and create summaries/ implications of detailed slides. Perhaps she can join Toastmasters—I have had many clients increase their comfort levels and skills in their local clubs. Or you can have her work with a coach who specializes in presentation and speaking skills.

We can keep speculating but, ultimately, you will only find out what is really going on by asking her. Your star might want you to only see the best of her and won’t want to discuss it with you, so it will be important to reassure her that you don’t think less of her just because she is not 100% perfect at everything. Just continue to support her growth and be her champion.

As long as you don’t succumb to the temptation to turn her into who you want her to be, you will probably continue to enjoy and benefit from her success. And, more to the point, she will continue to flourish and find new ways to contribute.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

New Guy Is Nice, but Not Performing? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 11 Oct 2025 12:28:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am the president of a region for a global financial services firm. I have been in the role for about a year. I felt prepared, and I am settling into the job. I have had a lot of leadership training over the years, but I find myself at a loss about how to handle a new situation.

A senior leader who reports to me was hired from outside to fill the role I vacated. This was after an internal person who initially was promoted into the job moved to another region because his wife was transferred.

The new guy came highly recommended and has been in the role for eight months. It felt like a real coup at the time. He had been a VP at his previous job, so I really thought he would come in with some skills.

I just can’t seem to get what I need from him. He talks a good game, is passionate about building the culture, and has built very good relationships with his team and with my peers. However, he has not built credibility with his peers.

He starts a lot of things with great fanfare but does not follow through. I have asked for specific reports—ones I used to generate and for which I created the data gathering systems—and I keep getting excuses for why they are not forthcoming.

The last I heard, he had a great idea for how to upgrade the whole system to get more granular data, even as I argued that more granular data isn’t needed. He seems to think he needs to fix everything, which would be fine if anyone thought things were broken (nobody does) or if he actually knew how to upgrade things effectively and efficiently.

At every one-on-one meeting he is excited about a new idea, a new project, or a brainstorm he’s had. I feel like a downer always asking for updates on all of the critical tasks that seem to be left undone or not even started. I now sound like a broken record, continuously asking for the list of things he has promised and not delivered.

He is a very nice guy—super appealing and friendly. Everybody, myself included, really likes him. He has made friends here and I am worried that if I have to let him go it is going to make me very unpopular.

Please tell me if you see things differently. I just don’t think at his level of seniority—and the whopping salary—that it is my job to hold his feet to the fire to make him accountable. I am ready to move to an ultimatum, but I thought you might suggest an angle I could be missing.

High Expectations

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Dear High Expectations,

Disappointment feels awful and it can cloud your thinking, so you are right to take a step back. You did have some expectations: that your replacement behave like you and do things the way you did them, and that the role of VP at his old job is the same as in your organization. The big question is, how clear did you make your expectations from the get-go?

It sounds like your new guy (NG) thinks his job is to make friends and be super creative and inspirational. He might have simply missed your expectation that he needs to get things done. You might think it is obvious, and I would agree. But if I have learned anything coaching hundreds of executives over the decades, it is that nothing is obvious, ever. Most leaders (and you may be among them) expect their people to be just like them—or, failing that, to read their minds. This begs the next question: to what extent is that true for you? And if it is true, how might you rectify it?

At Blanchard, we focus on helping functional leaders achieve agreed-upon outcomes by:

keeping the vision top of mind and the goals crystal clear,
managing results across teams,
partnering across silos,
inspiring change and innovation, and
developing future leaders.

I am not saying this is the truth; I’m just sharing to give you some sense of what is generally expected of someone in NG’s role in most large organizations. Here’s a typical depiction.

It sounds like NG’s default is to inspire change and innovation, but he is falling short of the rest of the job.

If this list does not accurately reflect what is true for you and your company, by all means add and delete at your discretion. But make sure the list is comprehensive before you share it with NG. The rule of thumb with new employees is to start off with close supervision until you see ample evidence that supervision is no longer required. You are learning the hard way that it is much harder to tighten up after an employee has had a lot of freedom.

You might consider calling a reset meeting with NG. Take responsibility for getting off on the wrong foot in terms of being crystal clear about your expectations—then share exactly what those are.

In our SLII^® program, we teach that managers must paint the picture of a job well done. Then they must give clear direction and proper support as the employee moves through predictable development levels to become a self-reliant achiever. Yes, you should expect someone at NG’s level to catch on quickly and apply transferable skills, but since he has never held the VP position in your organization and he has never worked for you, it is unfair to expect him to know exactly how to crush it in his role.

As you paint this picture of how NG will win in this role, you might ask yourself these questions:

Are NG’s goals clear and compelling?
Have I shared which targets and milestones I hope to see, and by when?
Are there any examples I can share?
Are there some possible mentors or high performers that NG can observe or learn from?
Are there specific dos and don’ts you need to share?
What is NG’s motivation to comply with your requests?

You can certainly acknowledge anything NG is already doing well and encourage him to keep those things up. You can also work with him to document and check in on his progress on each goal or task, so nothing gets forgotten.

Only once you have made yourself crystal clear will you know if an ultimatum is called for. I estimate that in six months you will have a solid sense of NG’s ability to rise and meet your expectations. And you will know without a shadow of a doubt that you did everything in your power to ensure his success.

It won’t be fun, but it will be instructive.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Performance Seen As a Threat By Your Colleagues? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 04 Oct 2025 10:37:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have been in the same job for a couple of years. I don’t know how to say this without sounding arrogant, but I run circles around everyone else on my team.

To a person, everyone on my team underperforms. They don’t use the latest tools made available to us by our organization and they can’t meet a deadline to save their life. I do my own job as well as the jobs of a lot of my teammates. One of them recently asked me if I was trying to make them look bad. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying, “You don’t need my help for that.” I just gave them a blank look and walked away.

I have tried talking to my friends about this, but they just laugh at me. Their attitude is more of “I’m so overloaded with work and it’s never good enough for my boss, so shut it.” I have thought about looking for a new job, but I don’t think exposing myself to a super high-pressure environment sounds like much fun either.

I thought for a while that I could fly under the radar just being myself, but now it’s clear that I am perceived as a threat. I can’t lower my standards or I will lose my mind, but I am not sure what else to do.

Do you have ideas for me?

Standout

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Standout,

I’ll admit that you do sound a little arrogant. But you also sound like you are telling the truth about the gap between you and your colleagues. I’m a big fan of telling it like it is, so I can’t fault you. And I agree it’s a good thing to have a job that doesn’t ask more of you than you can give.

It might be useful to look at your situation through the two lenses.

Your long-term goals. The first lens is your ultimate objective: what are your goals for your work life other than to be a high performer?
Your points of power. The other lens has you look at what kinds of power you have in this situation that you are not paying attention to.

Where do you want to be in two years, five years, or long term? This will inform how to play your cards now. In your current context, you see yourself as a racehorse among ponies. That may be just fine, and the key will be to find other ways to excel and achieve that don’t upset the apple cart in your work community. Or you may want to find other racehorses to run with, in which case you probably will have to look for another job. You may want to eventually manage other people, lead an entire department, and make a lot more money. Once you know where you are going, you can make better decisions about how you proceed.

Points of power is a concept we share in our Self Leadership program. Here is a great blog post by program author Susan Fowler: Don’t Underestimate Your Points of Power.

The very short version is that we all have five types of power:

Position power—having the title or authority to make certain decisions such as to hire or fire, to go or no-go, or to establish budgets
Task power—having control over a task or job and doing it well
Personal power—having interpersonal and leadership skills, passion, inspiration, or a positive personal vision of the future
Relationship power—being connected or friendly with others
Knowledge power—having relevant experience, expertise, or credentials

Standout, it sounds as if you are exercising a great deal of task power but are not aware of and developing the other kinds of power available to you. Once you know where you want to go with your job or career, you can choose to put some time and energy into increasing additional kinds of power.

It wouldn’t be a bad thing to get some input from your boss on how they see you and what might be possible for you. They may see your amazing qualities and agree to groom you for more challenging work assignments.

Instead of simply doing your colleagues’ jobs, you could spend time helping them and building trusting relationships with them. It’s possible they are feeling your judgment, so you may need to change that by finding things you admire and respect about them.

You might consider developing relationships with people outside your team by volunteering on committees at work. Or you could spend your extra time and energy deepening your expertise; for example, taking classes to earn an advanced degree or certification.

If you really want to stay where you are but need appropriate ways to excel, there are plenty of organizations out there looking for volunteers. Or you could start your own side hustle.

It is a beautiful thing to be competent and committed to excellence. I would never suggest that you try to dim your light or diminish yourself. It is also true that high performers can feel like a threat to people who are coasting, distracted, or simply less gifted, but usually only if they behave like arrogant jerks.

My experience working with very gifted high performers has shown me that the ones who put relationships first, highlight the gifts in others, and stay humble tend to build supportive fans who cheer them on rather than enemies who seek to tear them down. The best definition of humility comes from Ken Blanchard: “Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less.”

Use all of that brain power and energy to find the best in others and find ways to help them shine. You’ll be surprised at how magical it can be.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Feeling Lonely at Work? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 27 Sep 2025 11:20:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted and moved to a new team. I was very excited—first to make more money, and also to learn a new aspect of the business.

Six months later, I’m a bit disillusioned. Both of the things I was excited about are good, but I hadn’t anticipated the loss of my work friends. I found out that last week my former team all got together, and no one thought of inviting me.

I like a couple of the people on my new team, but they are all older and married with kids so the whole socializing thing is way different. I’m single with no kids, so I have very little in common with the people on my new team.

It has gotten very lonely. There is not much small talk; it’s all business. I’m thinking about asking if I can go back to my old team, but that seems like a step backwards.

Thoughts?

Lonely

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lonely,

This sounds hard, and I am sorry. I’ll share a principle that I hope will serve you in this instance and in the future. Your quality of life—and, research shows, the length of it—will be vastly increased if you have a strong community of people who love and care about you. Not “work friends,” but people who will remain close over the years, even as your job changes and your career grows.

Your job is to start building that community right now.

I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t have friends at work. You absolutely should—but they can’t be all you have. By all means stay connected to your old pals, tell them how much you miss them, and request directly that they include you in future get-togethers. To stay top of mind, message a couple of your favorites on a regular basis just to check in and say hello. In the meantime, start building relationships with people on your new team and outside of work.

You got lucky with your last team. It’s going to require a little more intention and effort to establish connections with the newer team members. The key to doing that is to find shared interests—hiking, Roblox, brewing beer, chess, dogs, plant propagation—anything you care about or would like to know more about. Just because people are married with kids and older than you doesn’t mean they don’t have lives. You just need to ask questions, pay attention, and find out what they care about. You might also think about joining volunteer committees at work to meet other people.

The same rules apply to finding connection outside of work: find a meet-up, start a club, go to community events that hold a little spark for you. It will take time, and you will strike out a bit, but keep at it and you will find your people. You might also reconnect with old friends. “Staying in touch on social media” means not staying in touch. Text. Call. Make plans for evenings and weekends.

Ask people questions about themselves. Remember what they tell you and follow up when they tell you they are going to a game or a concert. Learn their children’s names and ages, and ask about them. Even if you don’t care at first, the more you learn, the more you will. People tend to care about people who care about them.

Finally, if you have family members who love you, check in with them regularly. Make the time to FaceTime and catch up. Do Wordle every day with your favorite cousin. So far, it sounds as if you have naturally found people you like and have things in common with. But like almost everyone, you have reached a moment in life where you need to get purposeful and creative.

Going back to your former team is not a solution. Creating a network of relationships that will sustain you over the long haul is.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Struggling to Be More Strategic? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 20 Sep 2025 10:56:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am an EVP in a mid-sized service business. I created the role, as I was put in charge of two business units that had been quite siloed but shared some overlap. Part of my job was to create consistency in their approach to developing new business, data collection, and execution.

I have accomplished most of this assignment. Now I need to stay out of the way and let the leaders under me run their teams.

My boss tells me my job now is to find ways to grow my area strategically and get out of the weeds. My problem is I don’t know how.

I have realized that when I am not ticking items off my list, I don’t feel like I am working. I feel like a loser. How do I know I am adding value if I can’t point to all the things I have accomplished in any given day?

Uneasy

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Uneasy,

You have articulated one of the biggest sources of confusion and distress that strikes those in the transition from operational to executive leadership. Your entire career has been built on solving problems and getting things done—and all of a sudden there are other people doing those things. To add to the mix, there really isn’t anyone who can tell exactly what you should be doing, so it is your job to figure it out. None of the things you have learned to do well are required of you anymore. You are now going back to being a beginner, but with a lot of visibility and pressure. No wonder you feel uneasy.

I can certainly share some thoughts with you, but I would also suggest that you assess your network of friends and former colleagues who have made this transition and elicit thoughts from them. The more ideas you gather, the easier it will be to identify the ones that make sense for your exact situation.

The Blanchard point of view about the distinction between levels is that the job of strategic leaders to is to define and re-enforce the vision, build and nurture the right culture, and keep everyone focused on the key imperatives. Operational leaders are responsible for ensuring proper behavior on their teams, making certain that the way things get done is just and fair, and verify that processes and systems are maintained so that goal execution is smooth. You can find the research that supports these ideas here.

So, the questions to ask yourself are:

How might I go about finding out whether the organization’s vision is clear for everyone in my business units?
Do I have my finger on the pulse of the culture of every team that reports to me?
Am I 100% certain that every single person under me is aware of what is most important and how to utilize that information to prioritize tasks, use their best judgment, and make good decisions?

One senior leader I worked with developed the idea to visit all of the sites in his units regularly and simply talk to people. His request of every person he spoke to was “Teach me something about your job that I may not know.” He was blown away by how much he learned and how well he got to know people, but most importantly by the insights his visits generated.

Another client I worked with, a comptroller who was being groomed to be the next CFO of a multibillion dollar conglomerate, asked his CEO “How will I know I am doing a good job?” The answer was, “The number of times your phone rings.” This was a long time ago, before email and our constant communication via online platforms was a thing. It took him a while to figure out that if his people, customers, and colleagues in other companies were calling him for input, brainstorming, and advice, that meant he made himself available and knew what was going on in his organization and in the world. That was the job.

One CEO I worked with recently described (with delight) his CHRO as the person “Who sees all and knows all.” Another senior leader I worked with, who complained she never had time to get out of the details and think about things from a higher level, starting going for walks to do exactly that: think. It took her a while to get comfortable with the fact that she was literally getting paid to think.

It is totally normal to try different approaches and to be uncomfortable in this transition after decades of being rewarded for checking tasks off of your list. It takes a lot of discipline to get out of the way so your leaders can blossom in their own new roles, but as long as you stay aware of what is going on and intervene when appropriate, it will pay off.

Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Afraid Your New Leader Is Running the Company Into the Ground? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 13 Sep 2025 10:56:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a mid-sized global accessories brand. I was head of PR for many years but wanted to scale back when I had a kids. Now I serve as brand ambassador and influencer.

The organization has been growing rapidly. About a year ago, it was sold and a new president was hired. In the last year I have watched this person edge out longtime senior people, replace them with her people, and make decisions that are inconsistent with the brand.

The culture used to be all about hard work but also fun and caring, and now it has devolved into one of fear, competition, and power grabbing. I know this because I still have a lot of good friends working full-time in the company.

This change has affected me personally, but that isn’t my immediate problem. Here it is: I am longtime friends with many board members and am closest with the chairman of the board. I think the new president is making serious mistakes—and that if it hasn’t already started to affect profitability, it will soon. I am worried she is doing irreparable damage to the brand we all worked so hard to build.

Should I approach the chairman? Talk with a couple of board members first? Or keep my mouth shut until someone asks me?

The whole thing makes me so sad. I want to do something but I don’t know what makes sense.

Sad Bystander

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Sad Bystander,

I am sorry. Change is hard. New leaders are often seen as interlopers and their methods, to the extent that they differ from past ones, are automatically suspect. I am not saying you aren’t right, but you might consider taking everything you hear with a grain of salt and giving things a little time before you raise the alarm.

I hate to say it, but it is normal for new leaders to bring in people they know and trust, as difficult as it may be for those of the old guard that remain. I hear that you and many others have a strong emotional attachment to the way things were in the past, and that your sense of loss is painful. You are right to put considerable thought into what you choose to do about it.

Here are some questions to consider:

What do you stand to lose or gain by sharing with board members what you are experiencing and hearing? If you do have something important at risk, that is telling; and if you have something to gain, it may affect your credibility.
Have you heard enough damning things to be considered a whistleblower? Are you ready and willing to deal with the consequences of ending up with that reputation?
If you are challenged to share your sources, do you have permission to name names from people who have spoken to you?
Are you 100% clear about what you would share, and do you have the documentation to back it up?
Do you have enough of a relationship with the new leaders to influence them? There might be some value in talking to some of them and sharing that people are suffering from a lack of being included. Here is a blog you might share if you feel there is an opening: 3 Pitfalls Along the Journey to Change and How to Avoid Them.
You might consider sharing this article with people who complain to you: Four Practices for Adapting to Change.

Here is the thing. Most chairs and board members tend to trust the leaders they have hired. They pay attention to the numbers and aren’t that open to what might be perceived as gossip or just (expected) griping.

Based on the little you have told me, here is what I would suggest: start documenting everything you see and hear. Excellent records of your observations and the effect of decisions in the marketplace will make anything you want to share much more convincing.

I like the option of speaking to board members you have a relationship with. It will help you to get the lay of land and to decide if there is any possibility that you will be taken seriously. That is probably the safest way to go for now.

In the meantime, continue to do your job to the best of your ability and encourage your friends to do the same. With any luck, the ship will right itself and all the worry will have been for nothing. On the other hand, you may be dead right and your bringing your concerns forward will avert disaster. Take careful notes, keep your ear to ground to listen for an opening, hope for the best, and be ready for the worst.

Good luck.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Been Labeled as a Highly Sensitive Person? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 06 Sep 2025 11:50:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have been working for a new boss for about six months. I think she is very organized and personable, and her whole team (me included) likes working for her.

A while back, I had a rough time with the leader of another team. I won’t go into detail about exactly what happened—there were mistakes made by people on both teams. The short version is that he yelled at me and then abruptly signed off the video call. I was astonished, and I barely made it to the bathroom before bursting into tears. Unfortunately, my boss walked in just as I was getting myself together and I spilled the whole story. She told me not to worry about it, that the guy is a known jerk and is probably going to get fired soon because he yells at everyone and I should just let it go.

All fine. Then a week later, my boss pinged me and asked if I had a minute to chat. I went to her office and she asked me if I thought I might be an HSP—highly sensitive person. She went on to explain what it is, and I went back to my desk to look it up.

She might be right.

Here is the thing: I don’t love the label, and I really don’t love that she knows this about me. It seems awfully private to me, and now I feel like I am being judged.

How do I fix this impression with my boss?

Maybe an HSP

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Maybe an HSP,

Ah. Yes. The label. What is this obsession we have with labeling everything? It can get awfully tiresome. It can also help us—all of us—to understand ourselves and deepen our insight and appreciation of others’ experience.

The only reason I know anything at all about HSP is because I worked with a client for whom the “diagnosis”—also provided by a colleague—was life-changing. All of a sudden, for her, everything became clear and she finally had an explanation for how she was different from others. She was able to stop judging herself and start taking care of herself. She manages expectations of others by asking for time to think things through before giving an answer. She asks colleagues with explosive tempers to not yell. She got soundproofing for her office. And she is a C-level executive of a Fortune 500 company, so I don’t think this situation has held her back. She learned how to ask for what she needs to be at her best, which is something we teach in our Self Leadership programs. Everyone can get better at that.

I won’t belabor what it means to be an HSP; the curious can read about it here. For our purposes, hopefully we can agree that it usually means a person has one or a combination of three specific traits:

They need more time and space to deeply process information than the average person.
They have heightened emotional responses to events.
They have higher-than-average environmental awareness.

There continues to be a debate among experts about whether people who have all three dimensions can be considered neurodivergent; however, most agree that the brains of HSPs do process information differently.

There are many different tests online. I can’t speak to which are research-based or any good, but it might be worth taking one or more just to gain some clarity about the accuracy of the label.

Let’s address your question “How do I fix this impression with my boss?”

To be frank, I think this is the wrong question. The more salient questions are these:

Does the diagnosis fit?
If it does, how does understanding what it means to be an HSP in a world mostly filled with not-very-sensitive people change things for you?
How can you use this information to educate people around you and take care of yourself more effectively?

The only reason to fix the impression with your boss is if you really think you are not an HSP at all. To do that, all you have to do is tell her you looked into it and you don’t think you are—and the day she caught you crying in the bathroom was just a really bad day. Goodness knows, I once had a job in which I was in so over my head and people were so awful to me that I cried in the bathroom almost every day. I don’t think I am an HSP, but I was young. Crying when one gets yelled at might simply be a function of youth. If that’s true, don’t worry—you will almost certainly develop thicker skin over time.

I suspect your boss didn’t float the idea based on one interaction, though. You might consider asking her what made her think you are an HSP. She probably recognized it because she is one herself, or she is close to someone who is.

There is something to be learned here and it is up to you to learn as much as you can. You can also use the opportunity to get to know yourself and your boss better. So in the end you don’t need to fix anything, but you can clarify and deepen.

Nobody wants to be judged or labeled or made to feel their privacy has been invaded. But based on how you described your boss, it sounds like she probably has your best interests at heart, and it’s likely your secrets are safe with her. Shift your focus to understanding yourself and applying your new knowledge to set yourself up for success over the long haul. You will be so glad you did, regardless of what label applies.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Spouse Is Jealous of Your Job and Your Success? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 30 Aug 2025 11:30:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

This isn’t so much a work question as a “my work is affecting my relationship” question.

I met my husband in grad school when we were both studying to work in the same field. He got an amazing job with a good salary right out of school. I was happy for him and grateful that at least one of us was working, because I struggled to get hired.

I ended up taking a job in an adjacent field. It was for a start-up, which felt risky—but I knew beggars can’t be choosers. A job is a job.

I ended up loving the job. The company kept growing, and I got promoted rapidly. I am now a department head who gets to travel to really interesting places and run teams of wonderfully smart people. I am constantly learning new things, invited to speak at conferences, and I’m making the kind of money I never dreamed of. I know how lucky I am.

In the meantime, my husband was let go from his first job and it was never entirely clear why. He said it was budget cuts but no one else was released, and he didn’t stay in touch with any of his work friends.

He got another job quickly, but he complains constantly about how bored he is, how underpaid he is compared to his colleagues, and how little room there is for advancement.

I have invited him to join me on my work trips, which I think would be super fun. He always declines and says he is going to use his alone time to work on a book he is writing.

I have volunteered to help him with the book, brainstorm ideas, and be a reader for his pages, and he takes that as an insult.

I am beginning to suspect that there is no book. This has been going on for almost a decade now. He has stopped asking me about my work and tunes out when I want to share news with him.

The last time I was promoted, he sulked for a week. When we are out with friends and the topic of my work comes up, he immediately finds ways to change the subject. He also has stopped talking to me about his work, or, if he does, he makes it clear he doesn’t want any input from me.

He never really cared about money, but now that I am making so much, he is spending it in alarming ways: an expensive car, a complex speaker system for our house that seems like overkill to me, etc.

Neither of us were big drinkers when we met, and I don’t drink at all anymore (it makes me feel sick). But he has become a wine connoisseur. He has created a temperature-controlled wine room in our house and filled it with rare bottles at enormous cost.

I would like to save some of our income for the future, but his spending is preventing us from doing that. When I object, he points out that he “carried us” financially when we graduated from school. It was only for six months, but he never lets me forget it. He also points out that I get a lot of first-class travel and other perks from my job, so he should get to enjoy what he likes.

The bottom line is this: I feel that he is jealous of my job and envies my success. He is finding small ways to punish me for being happy when he is not. I feel like I have lost my best friend. It is very lonely. It makes me so sad, I have considered quitting my job to make him happy.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Lost

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lost,

Oh, I do indeed have thoughts. My first thought is: whatever you do, DON’T QUIT YOUR JOB. Please. Please. Please.

My second thought is: GET HELP!

Okay. Now that we have that out of the way, I will try to be gentle—but it is hard because I want to track you down and shake some sense into you.

You are very vulnerable right now, and I don’t want to be mean, but this is going to sound mean. You already have lost your best friend—and you are in grave danger of losing yourself in the toxic soup of your relationship.

Your marriage is in deep trouble, and you need professional help. STAT. I am not a marriage counselor or a couple’s therapist, which is the kind of expertise you really need right now. If there is any way you can swing it, you might attend a Gottman The Art and Science of Love seminar. If your husband won’t agree to do the work that needs to be done to save your marriage, it is already over. And the professional you are going to need is a good divorce attorney.

As a coach, I can share a few principles that may help you find some perspective and apply some common sense in a situation that has muddled your thinking.

There is no circumstance in which making yourself miserable to make someone who loves you happy will work.
If quitting your job and depriving yourself of what feels like meaningful, interesting work that generates a good income does make someone else happy, it means that person does not have your best interests at heart.
If you aren’t generally paranoid and don’t often think others envy you, you should trust your intuition when it tells you someone does. If you are not someone who normally feels like you are being punished, but in this case you feel like you are being punished for loving your job, it is because you are being punished.
Sacrifice, unless it is undertaken for deep spiritual reasons, always breeds resentment. Should you choose to sacrifice your career to save your marriage, it will not go well.

Talk to five people who genuinely love you. The fact that you are so uncertain that you’re asking a stranger to weigh in on this means you already know what those people will say and you have been avoiding the truth for way too long.

Finally—and these truths are some of the hardest to metabolize:

You can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.
You can’t save people who don’t want to be saved.
You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness.

The situation you describe has eroded your sense of self over a long period of time, and you must put a stop to it. And forgive me for repeating this—but for the love of all that is good, do not quit your job.

I am so, so sorry that you are where you are right now. You will cry a lot in the next months as your head clears. But either you will find your best friend again, which is my hope for you, or you will see that the friendship was irretrievably lost a long time ago. It will be hard and it will be painful. But as you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, you will still have a great job.

Love, Madeleine

Not Getting Enough Feedback? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 23 Aug 2025 11:27:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I really like my job and tend to go the extra mile. I had scheduled my quarterly one-on-one meeting with my manager, and then got an email from him that said “Hey, do you mind if we cancel for this quarter? You are doing great and I never worry about you. Just keep it up!”

I guess that is good news, but I need a little more than that. I feel like I am being punished for doing a good job. I don’t want to be a squeaky wheel, but I would like some feedback on, well, what I do all day. What do you suggest I do?

Ignored

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Ignored,

You aren’t being punished, but I can understand how it might feel that way.

I appreciate how irritating it must be when making your boss’s job easier by being a reliable performer gets you a whole lot of nothing. But if you say nothing, you will get more of the same. There is a difference between being a squeaky wheel (aka annoying) and respectfully asking for what you need (aka taking responsibility).

The key to getting the feedback you crave is to make it easy for your boss to give it. You might first acknowledge that you are happy to hear he never has to worry about you. Then you can say that although you would prefer a meeting to check in, you understand he is busy—so it would be helpful if he could answer some questions via email.

The questions can be super straightforward. For example:

Is there anything I should start doing or stop doing?
Is there anything I should do more of or less of?
Is there anything at all you think I should know?

You might consider contextualizing your request for feedback by providing the bigger picture for why you are asking. To do this, you will want to consider your career goals:

Perhaps you have your eye on a stretch goal, such as a challenging or strategic task that would help you build long-term capability.
Maybe you are hoping for some input that would help you see how your contributions affect the team or the organization as a whole.
It’s possible you are wondering if your boss sees you as leadership material and if he could offer some direction on where to focus to develop yourself.

Setting the stage for why you want feedback and what would make a difference for you will help your boss focus.

All of the research shows that almost all employees need more recognition than they get—and that most bosses are clueless about how to provide it. Here are two articles you might enjoy on how to take care of yourself and your needs in a work context: Four Hard Truths About Self-Leadership and Lead Yourself First.

It can feel risky to ask for what you need. But the truth is that no one can do it for you. And it is a lot less risky when you are a great performer, so the timing is good.

Don’t let your boss forget you are a human being with hopes and dreams. Because if you let him, he probably will.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Fired, and Not Sure Why? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 16 Aug 2025 11:45:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am 28 years old and was hired five months ago at a globally recognized tech company. I moved across the country, took on a one-year lease, and furnished an apartment. I made some very solid friends among many of the people who were members of my orientation class.

I was assigned to (I thought) a great team and from the word go my boss hated me.

It was weird. She criticized me in a group setting, which she didn’t do with anyone else. She assigned me twice the normal workload—I know this from talking to teammates. I made a huge effort to do well. I did everything possible to understand what she didn’t like and fix it. But no matter what I did, she only hated me more.

She seemed to be a decent manager, though not very experienced and not much older than me. My teammates noticed it and several of them asked me WTH?

Last week, a meeting was put on my calendar for 4:00 p.m. on Friday with her and someone from HR. I didn’t know what to expect but it wasn’t to hear that I was being fired. No reason was given. Just, “This is your last day—you don’t work here anymore” and a laundry list of what I needed to do in the next hour.

I am in shock. All of my new friends at work are in shock. I have no idea what I did to deserve this treatment. The company has a reputation for treating people fairly—I have heard many stories of people being moved to different teams if the fit isn’t quite right. It is a huge organization, so it seems to me that there is no reason that HR couldn’t have made an effort to find me a different spot.

They offered me generous severance pay, so I am not worried about finding another job, even if the market is tight. I have never heard of being fired for doing something wrong, then being offered severance. How can I learn from this? How can I make sense of it?

Mystified and Freaked Out

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mystified and Freaked Out,

Whoa. What just happened to you is indeed weird. I am scratching my head. No performance plan, no warnings—just boom, you’re out? That might be normal in a startup but for a mature, sophisticated organization, it sounds straight-up bizarre.

There is either some quirk in your former boss, something going on in the organization, or something you did that you are not ready to admit to yourself. I could speculate all day long about what on earth happened. In fact, I did, and here are the possibilities I’ve come up with so far:

You look and sound like someone from her past who bullied or hurt her in some way. I am not kidding. It is a form of transference. If a person has undergone an unresolved trauma and someone reminds them of the perpetrator, it can trigger all sorts of irrational behavior.
Your boss was testing you to see if you would ever stand up for yourself and stop letting her push you around. Some bullies are simply waiting to be called out on their nasty before they back down and start behaving reasonably.
The organization needs to cut staff but doesn’t want to announce a reduction in force, so they are asking managers to quickly and quietly cut people, even if it needs to be someone who has not had performance problems. Although this is an example of terrible management, I have heard of it happening, even at highly respected organizations. The clue in your case is what the severance would have been if your ousting had been part of a reduction in force versus what you were offered.
You somehow engaged in an alienating behavior that you are not telling yourself the truth about—something like signaling disrespect for your boss or the organization, or displaying arrogance about your intelligence or skills. I don’t mean to insult you, but you must ask yourself if it is possible. The way to explore this possibility is to reflect on what attitudes or judgments you might have had about your boss that you thought you had hidden (well enough). The truth is that no matter how well we think we hide it, people always sense judgment and nobody likes it.

You have to assume there was a reason. No one does what your boss just did without one. If you have signed the separation papers and the company has no reason to fear a lawsuit, it might be worth getting in touch with the HR person to see if you can get some feedback. Even if you get feedback that makes some sense, it will still feel unfair and unjustified—but at least the mystery will no longer haunt you.

There is one other perspective to consider. This is way out there, so bear with me. What if you simply weren’t meant to be in that job, in that company, and your destiny has something way better in store for you? I know it sounds absurd and may go against your worldview, but here’s the thing: I have heard so many clients and friends talk about something that they thought was the worst thing that could happen to them turning out to be a stroke of luck in some unanticipated way.

At the very least, you have learned how not to manage people. If or when you are in a leadership position, you will never treat another person the way you were treated.

I am sorry this happened to you. Sometimes the world just throws random stuff our way. We can’t control everything that happens to us; we can only control how we respond to it. Hopefully, with some help from HR or through your own reflection, you will find a way to make sense of it. The key is to use the experience to build resilience and character.

Wallow and feel sorry for yourself for a while. Lick your wounds. Then pick yourself up off the floor, chalk it up to being a human being—which is hard—and move on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Working From Home While Others Aren’t? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 09 Aug 2025 11:38:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a junior partner in a law firm and the expectation is that I work. A lot.

Many of the partners work virtually in the summer, but I usually go into the office because it is easier for me to get things done there.

My in-laws bought a house at the shore a few years ago. In the past when we have spent a week with them I’ve taken vacation time, which means I check in for a couple of hours a day. My husband is a schoolteacher and athletic coach, so he gets most of the summer off.

This year, my husband and his family convinced me to try spending an entire month at the shore, taking one week of vacation and working from there the rest of the time.

It is a disaster. Our kids are very good about boundaries around work time, which we practiced during Covid. The problem is my in-laws. Both are retired and seem to have forgotten what it means to have a job.

My mother-in-law knocks and then walks into the bedroom (where I work) a couple of times a day to ask questions about meals, laundry, where the kids’ sunscreen is, etc. My father-in-law texts me constantly about the dinner menu, if he can borrow my car (his works fine, he just likes mine better)—pointless things for which he does not need my input. They both try to lure me away from work for “just one hour at the beach, it is such a beautiful day” or “the kids were hoping you might join us; we know you have to work, but…”.

I thought I had been crystal clear about the nature of my work and the kind of focus it requires. It is almost as if they are testing me or they resent how much I work. They tease me in the evenings about being a “big-shot attorney” and being “so important” because so many people need me. I have spoken to my husband about it, but he is not very sympathetic and tells me to just let it roll off my back.

At home, when the kids are in school or day camp, I have everything dialed in and things go smoothly. If the grown-ups would behave, I think it could work at the shore, too. But right now I am losing my mind.

I am considering going back to the city and letting my husband and kids stay and enjoy the rest of the time, but I am sure I’d never hear the end of it. I am at the end of my patience. I want to say something to my in-laws, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it in a way that won’t ruffle feathers. They obviously already think I am too serious and over-focused on my work. They seem oblivious to the fact that it is my salary that pays our mortgage. I can’t help feeling like if I were a man, they would never behave this way.

I wish I had never agreed to this. Please, I am hoping you have some good ideas for me.

Losing My Mind

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Losing My Mind,

This brave new world of blending work and play is still in the experimentation phase. Your situation sounds difficult and frustrating—but more to the point, you are feeling judged, which just adds to the yuck.

This might be a moment in which you can use the classic three choices:

Do nothing
Do something
Leave the situation

It sounds like doing nothing could result in your blowing your top and saying something you’ll regret. No matter how good you are at self-regulating, it would be a serious test. Your husband’s advice to “let it roll off your back” is not realistic.

You almost certainly have to do something. If what you do doesn’t work, ending the experiment is probably a good idea. The only way to go at this is head-on. Dropping hints will only create drama.

Here is a potential framework to build on:

Call a family meeting. Include your kids if you like, especially since they seem to respect your work time.
A little appreciation goes a long way, so mentioning how much you appreciate your hosts, being able to be at the beach, all of the meal organizing, etc., would be a good place to start.
Explain that:
- you are having a very hard time staying focused;
- you are, in fact, resolute about your job, which is a requirement of your job role;
- you like your job and hope to be successful in it;
- you don’t think you are more important than anyone else, but you take your work commitments seriously;
- you have had your vacation time;
- you agreed to work from the shore as an experiment, and it isn’t working for you.
Review the arrangements you agreed on at the start. If you didn’t have any, come up with a set of clear agreements you can all abide by. I think it is fair to ask that you not be interrupted unless there is an emergency, and that you will be fine with whatever decisions are made about meals, who uses your car, etc.
You can acknowledge that your family members mean well and that you appreciate their wanting to include you in the fun, but that it ends up feeling like pressure.
Be clear that if the family cannot respect your work time, you will be forced to go home.

Stay matter-of-fact and neutral. Do your best to leave out whatever judgments you are feeling, your suspicions about gender bias, and the point about your salary. Leave those battles for another day and stick to setting up rules of engagement for right now that your in-laws can abide by.

If they just can’t do it, then you’ll do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

Will such a meeting ruffle feathers? You bet it will. But better to ruffle some feathers and try to find a workable solution for the next few weeks than to say something you’ll regret or storm back to the city in a huff.

Family is tricky enough to navigate without adding the kind of complexity you are attempting. Give your in-laws one solid chance to keep up their end of the deal so you can all enjoy evenings and weekends together. With enough clarity, lots of goodwill, and a little luck, you might find a workable solution for many years to come. Or you might not, and that’s okay, too.

Breathe deep. Be clear. Be kind. Be firm.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure Your New Dreams Will Make You Happy? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 02 Aug 2025 12:21:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I read Feeling Trapped with interest and it scared me. I have had several jobs in retail and have been promoted to manager in each one, only to become disillusioned with the owners.

I also just ended my marriage and moved to a new city for a fresh start.

My dream is to be an entrepreneur. I am ready to set some big goals for myself, get super focused, and work hard. I have a great idea and even a potential investor lined up.

Here is my question: How do I know that I am setting the right goals? How can I ensure that achieving my goals will make me happy? The idea of busting my butt for twenty years only to end up disappointed is terrifying. If that is going to happen, why bother? Any insight you can share would be helpful.

Anxious Goal Setter

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Anxious Goal Setter,

You aren’t going to like this. Ready?

Research shows that humans are remarkably bad at predicting what will make them happy. There is an entire field of study devoted to what is called affective forecasting, which are the predictions we make about our future emotional states. We tend to significantly overestimate both the intensity and duration of future emotions, a phenomenon known as impact bias or durability bias. You can find a lot more detail about that here. Even Feeling Trapped—the writer of the letter you mention—is probably already (a month or so later) feeling very different than he might have anticipated.

You have probably heard the saying “We plan and God laughs.” I used to think that was meant for me because things never go the way I think they should, but it appears to be true for almost all of us. There is simply so much in life that is out of our hands.

There are some things you can do, though. Here are some principles to keep in mind to avoid having terrible regrets.

Focus on what matters most

Make sure the goals you set are aligned with what matters most to you—not to your parents, significant other, or community. Stay focused on the end you have in mind. Don’t invest a lot of time and effort in the means to that end. In other words, if you want to be an entrepreneur so that you can be your own boss and realize your vision, go for it. If you want to be an entrepreneur to make a ton of money, forget it.

Not that you can’t get rich being an entrepreneur (although it is statistically unlikely), but you’ll be happier if money is the cherry on top of the sundae of something you want to accomplish. If you want to make a ton of money, do something that will definitely make you money.

The way to know what you really want is to ask yourself: What will I have when I achieve the goal? And what will I have when I have that? And what will it mean when I have that? This classic coaching question, asked about seven times, will help you clarify what you really want. Go for that, whatever it is.

Stay mindful and agile

Values do change—and what matters most right now may matter less in the future. Find a way to check in with yourself on a regular basis and ask: Am I still engaged? Am I still having fun? Is this resulting in what I wanted?

You don’t need to pivot or bail at the first sign that you may be on the wrong track. The more actions we take to move toward our goals, the more feedback we get from the universe. Sometimes the message is unmistakably clear, like “Keep going, you’re on the right track” or “Stop and try something else.” But it can be hard to know for sure.

My rule of thumb is that you have to really pay attention when you get three instances of the same message. You can’t let yourself become so mono-focused on achieving your goal that you ignore what is right in front of your face. Staying alert to reality can also help you recognize subtle opportunities.

Analyze your patterns

There is a chance that you have a pattern of having high expectations and then being disappointed. If that is true, you can find clarity by working with a therapist who can help you pinpoint the pattern and suggest ways to interrupt it.

Create daily structures that feed you

There is the big picture, and then there is the minutia of everyday life. Make sure, no matter what goal you set or how hard you work, that you build things into your life that sustain you—time with loved ones, exercise, a hobby, a pet. These are the small things that will ensure you enjoy your life no matter what happens with your goals.

Recognize what you can and can’t control

The Serenity Prayer, known to people in recovery but relevant to all, goes like this: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” It doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not, the general idea is useful.

Finally, the research on happiness shows that happiness can be a choice. Genetics, environment, and life experience certainly contribute to one’s ability to create a happy life, but we all know people who have everything there is to have and are still miserable.

According to Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden-and-build theory, positive emotions broaden perspectives, which in turn build lasting psychological resources such as resilience, creativity, and social bonds. Ever-increasing happiness isn’t just about momentary pleasure; it’s about choosing mindsets and habits that enable long-term personal growth.

All this to say, it might be a good idea for you to study happiness and develop habits that will ensure you enjoy the day to day and end up being thoroughly satisfied with your life, no matter what other goals you set. Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson, The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, and both Authentic Happiness and Flourish by Martin Seligman are all oldies but goodies that will really help you right now.

You can’t let your anxiety keep you from taking action. The universe honors action. Taking action will generate feedback. Feedback is information you can use to decide on your next actions. Doing nothing is as much a choice as doing something, but it isn’t a choice that will generate energy or provide information.

So go ahead and be anxious, but don’t let it stop you from taking the next step. Take care of yourself, surround yourself with good people who love you, have a little fun, and work hard. Will you make some mistakes? Sure. Will you learn from them? Undoubtedly. In twenty years, a wise and happy you will look back and be glad you took the plunge.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Trouble Managing Feelings of Overwhelm? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 26 Jul 2025 11:37:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am an experienced manager. I really thought I was capable and prepared to deal with pretty much anything that shows up, but right now I am feeling a bit at loose ends.

Our global manufacturing company is going through relentless change, which is normal. But the constant changes in the news about tariffs is causing chaos. I am usually able to provide clarity about our strategy and how it affects each person’s day-to-day job, but lately it has been a lot of “Just do your best—we have to wait and see.”

For the past couple of months, my regular one-on-one meetings have been mostly helping people manage their feelings of overwhelm—to the degree that I am sick and tired of the word overwhelm. It is hard not to roll my eyes when the first thing people say when we meet is “I am feeling totally overwhelmed.” I have run out of ways to help people in that state, partially because I feel the same way myself.

I would be grateful for any ideas you might have for me.

Over the Overwhelm

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Over the Overwhelm,

You are not alone. Many very experienced managers are struggling right now. I think it is because life is complicated even when all is going well. So when the world seems out of control and our businesses face relentless challenges due to uncertainty, our sense of stability can be dramatically impacted.

The usual tools we use in normal times are not helping as they have in the past:

Prioritizing responsibilities
Basic time and task management techniques such as breaking down tasks into smaller steps and blocking out time to accomplish tasks that require focus
Establishing proper boundaries where appropriate
Learning and using mindfulness or meditation tools
Optimizing the work environment by de-cluttering and using apps to stay organized
Implementing recovery and reset rituals such as micro-breaks and after-work activities that move people away from their screens

It sounds as if you offer an empathetic ear by allowing people to vent and process. You are right to curb your urge to roll your eyes, although that response might be an indication that you could use an empathetic ear yourself.

Working with clients, I have noticed that it isn’t just work that contributes to people feeling at the end of their rope. It is the pile-up of difficult life circumstances as well. If this is the case, you might introduce the Wheel of Life exercise, which can help people identify all the different aspects of their lives that are contributing to their feeling so out of whack. The Wheel of Life tool is a classic coaching tool that has been around forever—if you Google it, you will find multiple explanations and examples.

You can also use classic coaching questions to help your people gain some clarity and get the help they need. Examples are:

“What kind of support would be most helpful—emotional, logistical, or tactical?”
“What’s one thing you can do right now that would make today feel a bit more manageable?”
“What’s your biggest energy drainer right now?”

In addition, you can challenge people, albeit kindly, in a few ways:

To be mindful of the language they are using to describe how they are feeling. The more we repeat things, the more real they become. People who are truly overwhelmed have been so swept away by events that they cannot function normally. If a person is still functioning, “I am overwhelmed” might be better expressed as “The noise and complexity feel like a lot right now.”
To be more kind and compassionate with themselves and suspend any judgment they might have about how they feel. It might be helpful for a person who is saying “I should be handling all of this better” to re-frame that as “This is a lot to handle and I am doing my best.”
To recognize the reality that just because it feels like the building is on fire doesn’t mean it is. You all still have jobs, you are all contributing to the success of the organization. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, so all there is to do is continue to show up to work and do your best.

You can be a role model for perspective and sanity. The more you take care of yourself, the more compassion and common sense you will have to offer your people. Do whatever you need to do to stay centered. Go for a walk, breathe, do yoga. Stop watching the news. Go play with puppies at an adoption event, or attend a monster truck show. Call your best friend just to say hi. Play golf or bake cookies. Do whatever you can to gain equilibrium yourself and to build enough reserve to be generous.

And finally, remember: as grim as things feel right now, this, too, shall pass.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Feeling Trapped at Home and at Work? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 19 Jul 2025 10:19:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have had a great deal of success. My problem is now that I have achieved my goals, I realize this isn’t what I thought it would be. I am 38, married, with two young kids and another on the way and a massive mortgage (albeit at a low rate compared to today’s rates). I wrote two pages with all the details, which is what clarified the crux of the issue.

It feels like my wife and I are going in two different directions. My wife is delighted to focus on the kids and not work outside the home. I feel trapped and disappointed. Maybe more to the point is that I am bored out of my mind.

We just finished a massive renovation on our house—which cost twice what we budgeted—and now my wife wants a pool. We live in the Midwest so we wouldn’t get much use out of it. I just see it eating up any savings and reinforcing the bars on my cage.

I have tried discussing this with several people and each person has a different reaction. They range from “Shut up, you have no idea how lucky you are” to “You made your bed, now lie in it” to “Quit the job, sell the house, and buy an RV.”

What advice do you have for me?

Trapped

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Trapped,

My advice will sound like none of the above. Yes, you are lucky but that doesn’t mean you aren’t miserable. Sucking it up isn’t going to work in the long term; it will lead to seeking to numb your feelings, which will only exacerbate your problems. And running away never solved anything for anyone.

Here is my advice in a nutshell: Get new goals.

You are not the first person to get to the top of a ladder only to find that it got you to the top of the wrong wall. You just did it really quickly. I think you have two separate issues here: the first one is your brilliant career, the second is the lack of communication between you and your wife.

In your current job you feel trapped, disappointed, and bored—a feeling so yucky that it is clouding your ability to troubleshoot. It sounds like you think you need to jump ship completely and start over, but you don’t think you can because your wife is living her best life and is depending on your ability to pull in a big income. Let’s take a look at how you might shift your work situation. You may not have to blow the whole thing up.

You say this isn’t what you expected. So what exactly did you expect, and how is the reality different? Is there a possibility of a lateral move that might change that reality? What is missing? It might help if you can identify a core need that isn’t being met. Is it a sense of meaning or purpose? Is it the opportunity to make a significant impact? Is it the chance to continually learn and deepen your expertise?

Once you have a sense of what was keeping you interested that has been lost, it will help you to creatively brainstorm how you might find new activities within your job or your organization that will scratch that itch. You may realize that to go to the next level you need more training or even an advanced degree. Whatever it is will involve a certain amount of risk, and your self-image as someone who crushes it may take a little heat.

As you start visualizing new goals for yourself, it is critical that you discuss how you feel with your wife. The mortgage, unexpected expenses, and your wife’s vision for more of the same are part of what is making you feel trapped. You can’t just go along with it to make her happy, only to let the resentment build. Resentment in a marriage is never, ever good. It sounds like you and your wife made a deal, you are concerned that you may need to change that deal, and you are afraid to rock the boat by bringing it up. But rock the boat you must. People change, circumstances change, life throws us curve balls. You are either going to figure out how to face what you are dealing with together, right now, or you will continue to grow further apart until you stay together miserably or split up.

I highly recommend the work of John and Julie Gottman, respected experts on marriage. Their website is loaded with resources for couples; tools to help you navigate the inevitable bumps on the road of true love.

You are panicking a little right now, Trapped, but you are going to be okay. As has oft been said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” You are probably going to live a long time and have multiple career chapters—that’s what keeps life interesting. And it will be a lot more fun if your marriage continues to deepen and grow at the same time.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Do I Really Have to Constantly Praise People? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 12 Jul 2025 11:01:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people since I was first promoted to supervisor in my first job while I was still in college. I am now a senior director in my late 40s. I manage a couple of business units for a large financial services company in Europe.

In the last few years, my firm has been providing management/leadership training to everyone who has direct reports. It is all mandatory. Some of it has been okay (not a total waste of time), but some of what is being taught just seems like complete hogwash to me.

Here is my question to you: How important is it to constantly praise people? I am getting the impression that we are supposed to praise people for simply doing their jobs. I always thought that praise should be reserved for when people go above and beyond or overcome a real challenge.

I have been making an effort, but it just feels wrong to me. When I was coming up, none of my bosses ever praised us for anything, let alone for simply doing what was expected. My bosses still don’t praise, and I think it would be strange if they started.

I feel like this is a very American thing, like the way you people smile all the time. I am interested to hear your thoughts on this topic.

Suspicious

PS: I realize you work for a company that does training, so I thought you would like to know we are not getting training from your company.

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Suspicious,

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this concern, and I think you have a fair point. Your comment about the smiling made me laugh because I moved to the US from Europe when I was fifteen and I found the smiling to be downright bizarre. I got used to it, though, and trained myself to do it out of sheer cultural necessity. Smiling, like praise, may seem to be an “American thing” but it doesn’t change the fact it can positively impact one’s own mood and well-being. Studies have shown that smiling can trigger the release of mood-enhancing hormones such as endorphins and serotonin, while also reducing stress hormones such as cortisol. Smiling—and praise for that matter—can make individuals appear more approachable and trustworthy, which may foster positive social interactions. There are many situations in which people may judge Americans and find us wanting, but smiling more and recognizing the value of praise really aren’t among them.

I also understand your position that goes something like “I never got any praise and did just fine, so I don’t understand why this generation coming up should get any.” My response: just because people can get used to something doesn’t make it right. And just because that’s the way things have always been done doesn’t mean changing is a bad idea.

My father-in-law, Ken Blanchard, is one of the pioneers of changing business and leadership practices to bring out the best in people. In fact, his biography coming out this fall is titled Catch People Doing Things Right. His key points, which are outlined in his best-selling book The One Minute Manager®, are that when people do something wrong it is probably because either they weren’t crystal clear on what the task was and they need clarification, or they didn’t know how to do it the right way and they need redirection. When people do something right and their manager notices it, they are much more likely to repeat the behavior. This may seem overly simple—but when put into practice, it is astonishingly effective.

I don’t know what you were taught in training, but research shows that people who work for you are going to be more likely to do their best (instead of the bare minimum) when you simply pay attention to them. They are also more likely to stay in their jobs—and you may already know that the cost of replacing a competent performer is astronomical. This isn’t about being nice; it is about showing people that you see their efforts and you notice them as human beings. Praise doesn’t involve insincere flattery. Praise is when you truly focus on someone, listen, and share positive feedback to make it clear that you are paying attention. If you only observe your people so that you can correct them, you essentially train them to avoid interacting with you. The last thing you want is for people’s hearts to sink at the sight of an email or text from you. Don’t you want your people to be happy to hear from you?

If the praise you are giving feels strange and empty to you, find things to point out that matter to you and that you think will matter to the individual. If someone gets you something you need before the deadline, you can point out that it was helpful to have it early so that you had extra time to review it. If someone does something for the first time, you can point out how hard it can be to do something new and praise their willingness to try something for the first time. Even when someone is simply doing their job, you can express confidence in their dependability. The more you do it, the easier it will get.

For more on praising, please see an excellent blog here.

Here is another little tip that isn’t widely shared: it will help you if you find out from each person what they like to be praised for and how they like to be recognized. Everyone is different, and people have secret pride about ways they perform that you won’t know unless they tell you. This way, you will know for sure how to praise each individual in ways that are meaningful to them. I used to praise an employee for doing something well that I hated doing because it was hard for me. It turned out that it was easy for her, and the praise was easy to deflect. The thing she really liked to be praised for was a different thing that she did so well she made it look easy—but it actually took a lot out of her. Our whole relationship shifted when I started noticing it.

Now to circle back to the main point: as managers, to praise effectively, we need to get to know our people and pay consistent attention to them. Does it take extra time? Indeed it does. Does it require more of your bandwidth? Again, yes. I can’t promise that it will make a measurable difference in your business results, but I would bet good money that it will. You’ll never know until you really commit to this process over a significant period of time.

And, hey, maybe smiling a little more will also make an impact. Just a little. When you mean it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Ask Madeleine: Best of 2025

David Witt — Sat, 05 Jul 2025 11:03:00 +0000

Editor’s Note: Madeleine is on summer break this week, but don’t fear! We’ve rounded up the five standout themes from the first half of the year, complete with top examples you won’t want to miss. From navigating toxic bosses to setting coaching goals that actually stick, Madeleine addresses it all with wisdom that’s equal parts practical and powerful.

Check out the top themes here, then dive into the full columns. Be sure to come back every week—you never know when the advice you need is just a scroll away!

1. Leadership Transitions and Succession Planning

Madeleine frequently addresses the complexities of leadership transitions in “Not Sure When to Let Your Boss Know You’re Leaving?” She offers guidance on timing and communication strategies for departing leaders, emphasizing the importance of succession planning and organizational continuity.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-when-to-let-your-boss-know-you-re-leaving-ask-madeleine

2. Navigating Toxic Work Environments

In “Am I Working for a Toxic Leader?” Madeleine discusses strategies for setting boundaries, maintaining professionalism, and deciding when it may be necessary to seek employment elsewhere. She also provides insights into recognizing and managing toxic leadership.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/am-i-working-for-a-toxic-leader-ask-madeleine

3. Coaching Practices and Professional Development

Madeleine addresses a common concern among professionals new to coaching in “Not Sure What Your Personal Development Coaching Goals Should Be?” She offers practical frameworks including Pierce Howard’s model that encompasses Flow, Fit, Goal progress, Relationships, and Altruism.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/not-sure-what-your-personal-development-coaching-goals-should-be-ask-madeleine

4. Managing Change and Uncertainty in the Workplace

Madeleine looks at the challenges leaders and employees face when navigating organizational changes and external disruptions along with the associated emotional and operational impacts. In “Need to Interrupt the Downward Spiral?” she addresses a situation where a company is experiencing significant stress due to industrywide changes and personal tragedies among staff.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/need-to-interrupt-the-downward-spiral-ask-madeleine

5. Workplace Culture and Generational Perspectives

In our final top theme for 2025, Madeleine explores the dynamics of workplace culture and generational differences. Her column on “Tired of Your Friend Complaining about ‘Entitled Workers’?” challenges stereotypes about younger employees and encourages understanding and maximizing generational strengths.

https://resources.blanchard.com/blanchard-leaderchat/tired-of-your-friend-complaining-about-entitled-workers-ask-madeleine

Madeleine will be back with a new column next week. Got a question for her? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well-intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Life Transition Has You Asking Big Questions? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 28 Jun 2025 11:26:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a director in the finance department of a national restaurant/foodservice company. I have always liked my job, brought a lot of creative problem-solving to my team, and enjoyed hosting events to create bonds among people in my organization.

My last kid just graduated from high school and left for a six-week trip abroad. My two kids in college have summer jobs away from home. I thought I couldn’t wait to finally have the kids all leave the house so I could have more time to myself and more time to work—but now that it has finally happened, I seem to be adrift. All I have is time, and I don’t know what to do with it.

It feels so strange. I don’t recognize myself. For the last twenty years I have been in constant motion. Even though I’ve loved being a mom, I’ve resented the never-ending grind. But now that I don’t feel the clock ticking, I can barely focus on work.

Ever since Covid, my entire team has worked from home. I am happily single but never felt lonely until now. Maybe I’m just really sad—the empty nest thing—because I have so been looking forward to this time. But it feels like all of a sudden I have ADHD or something.

Have you ever heard of anything like this? Do you think there is something wrong with me?

Weirded Out

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Weirded Out,

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going to be fine. I promise.

Humans vastly underestimate how destabilizing it is to change our daily routines. For twenty-plus years you were on the clock, and all of a sudden you have a surfeit of time. It’s as if you had loud music playing 24/7, you learned how to dance to it all day, every day for twenty years, and someone suddenly turned the music off. The silence is so deafening it can be hard to think. You developed an entire set of skills, disciplines, and practices that made you feel productive, accomplished, and competent. Now, all you need to do is…start all over again.

The working-mom fantasy of having more time to work is common; and, like most fantasies, the reality is often a letdown. Because, let’s face it, you probably already work plenty.

One general principle that might be helpful to understand is this: just because a big change is desirable and makes you happy doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to grieve the chapter that is coming to a close. All the big, happy life transitions (graduating school, getting married, starting jobs, having children, buying homes, moving to a new location), no matter how welcome, require leaving all kinds of beloved things behind. What that means is just because you are thrilled to have made it to end of the working-mom marathon doesn’t negate whatever other emotions you may be having.

Here are a few ideas you might consider to help you through this big transition:

Take some time off. Go for long walks, take some yoga classes, meditate, get a massage. Anything you can do to clear your head so that you can hear the soft voice inside that is offering clarity about your heart’s desire.
Maybe avail yourself of your company’s EAP to do a short course of therapy to unpack all of the feelings you are experiencing. Identifying, naming, and feeling them will be a relief and will help you to re-focus on what is in front of you.
Take a quiet moment to write down all the things you have been putting off for so long. Jettison the things you don’t care about and prioritize the ones that still matter. Choose one thing that is appealing and make a plan to go after it. Learn pickleball, get a puppy, discover ballroom dancing, train for a marathon, find a cooking class. Whatever makes your heart beat a little faster.
Make a list of the people you care about who’ve dropped to the bottom of your priority list and make it your business to reconnect. Commit to either rebuilding those relationships or building new ones.

I would urge you to take it slow and start small. You don’t want to cram your life so full that you immediately go back to your old rhythms. Just because it might feel comfortable doesn’t mean it is right for you. It took you years to shape your former daily rhythms and it will take some time to experiment and find new ones. You will be able to recognize yourself in a new form soon enough (perhaps just in time for one of your kids to boomerang back home again).

Just kidding. Kind of.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Dealing with a Disorganized Boss? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 21 Jun 2025 11:15:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

My boss is driving me nuts. I work in corporate communications at a complicated global corporation with a fast-paced, high-pressure environment. I am often given assignments with tight deadlines on top of my regular day-to-day work.

My boss will send me emails with assignments, using a request format that I thought was smart when I started. If only my boss would pay more attention when she fills it out.

The request calls for details about the audience, key messages, preferred tone, urgency level, and timing. I make the effort to weave in the company values and I put a lot of thought into each draft.

Lately, my boss has had an issue with every single piece I’ve written—but it is always because she left out something critical. Her comments contain some variation of “Oops, I forgot to mention such and such; could you redo this and weave that in?”

This throws off my schedule for the day and creates a last-minute fire drill. I feel like (1) she must have forgotten how much I have on my plate; (2) she doesn’t care enough to put thought into the original request; or, on my worst days, (3) she is trying to sabotage me.

I like the company and my co-workers, but I now dread my boss’s feedback. I have completely lost faith in her. I don’t really want to try to find another job, but I find myself fantasizing about doing just that.

How can I get her to cut it out?

Just So Annoyed

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Just So Annoyed,

I hear your frustration, and I can relate—but you aren’t going to like this, so put on your seat belt.

My experience is that people who quit their job to escape an unresolved communication issue will encounter a new version of the exact same problem in their next job. You can certainly choose to jump ship, but this won’t be the last time you have to deal with an imperfect, distracted boss so you might as well use this opportunity to learn how to deal with it.

The question, as I understand it, is: how can you get your boss to give you all the information you need the first time so that you can deliver exactly what is needed?

First, it might help you to find a bit a grace for your boss by putting yourself in her shoes. I suspect this is a recent problem, as you noted that this behavior has shown up “lately.” It is possible that she also has too much on her plate, or perhaps she is wrangling with some personal problems. Regardless, the more she feels your judgment and annoyance, the higher the chance that she will make errors when working on a brief for you and eventually will start assigning the tasks to someone more easy-going so she can avoid your ire. That is a career-limiting eventuality that you probably want to avoid because, if you do decide to leave your position, you want to make sure you do it in good standing.

Once you make the choice to help your boss give you what you need in a timely manner, the next step is to figure out how to do that. One idea is to schedule a quick chat, which will give her the mental space she needs to capture all of the details before you start the work. Repeat what has been requested, and simply ask “What else?” or “Is there anything missing?” Many people think out loud, and when they become accustomed to working with someone super competent, they can start to believe (or at least hope) that you can read their minds.

If you can’t get fifteen minutes on her calendar, you might change your work style and spend less time making the first draft perfect, knowing it will need a second pass. If you go with this option be sure to mention that, in light of the recent need for revisions, you are switching up your approach and will polish the piece once you are sure that all points are captured.

Finally, I recently read somewhere that anyone who isn’t using AI in their work is almost certainly going to be replaced by someone who is. I’d like to think that isn’t true, but I suspect it is. The kind of work you are doing is exactly the kind of thing AI can help you with—so I highly recommend that you learn how to leverage it. Of course, you should check your company’s policy and use only the AI the company allows. I have spoken to many people who have avoided AI because they feel threatened by it, but that is also a career-limiting attitude.

Instead of getting mad at your boss, try a collaborative approach. Experiment with how you can help her give you what you need to do the best possible job you can. Helping her to help you will build trust—and it won’t go unnoticed. Change your work protocols to accommodate your boss’s absent-mindedness, and leverage technology to take time and effort out of your tasks. The world is only spinning faster, so anything you can do to make things go more smoothly for yourself, your teammates, and your boss will serve you well.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Just Been Asked to Take Over the Company Blog? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 14 Jun 2025 11:30:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I recently joined a marketing team for a not-quite-startup in the technology space. It has been going well.

My boss recently asked me if I would take over writing a weekly blog for our website. I didn’t say “no” right out of the gate—I asked if I could look at what has been done and think about it.

I have reservations. I feel like blogs are old news (no offense) and we should be focused on video on social media. We do have someone doing that, but I think I could do a better job. Also, I don’t think I can replicate the way the previous person did the blog. I would have to come up with a new approach, but I don’t know what it would be. And I am extremely concerned about getting writer’s block, which happened all the time when I was in school.

How do you deal with it? I don’t see how I can come up with something new every week. I think saying “no” might be career-limiting, but the whole thing scares me. Would love your thoughts.

Yikes

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Yikes,

I take no offense. Video is in; the written word is out. I can’t argue with you there. However, you somehow found this blog, so that tells you something. Your department must be tracking the metrics on the blog, and they probably wouldn’t bother keeping it if there weren’t some engagement. Maybe you can find out more about the demographic that reads the blog. I’ve always assumed it is people over 40, but I’ve been wrong about that. Many people find video too slow and can read much faster than people talk, so they will skip video.

There is a lot to unpack here. I will start with how to approach it with your boss, and then deal with the writing aspect.

First, good on you for asking your boss if you could think about it! So many feel pressure to respond right away, but that is often self-imposed. What if you were to keep up the thoughtful approach and negotiate a trial run for, say, a three-month period? This will give you time to find your feet. After three months, you may decide that it isn’t for you or that you enjoy it and are good at it. You may find out you can comfortably manage only every other week, and ask to share the responsibility with someone else.

You are right that if you were to take on the task, you would have to find your own voice, angle, and, of course, what the heck you are going to say. It is, in fact, daunting, but the only way to do it is to, well—do it.

There might be some value in thinking about what you want your brand to be. There is an opportunity to represent your organization, of course, and presumably that brand work has been done. But if your name is attached to the work, it will serve you to think about your own values and purpose. You will want to develop a consistent tone that gets connected to you and how you are perceived. There is also a chance to develop yourself as an expert and maybe even a thought leader.

So—what interests you about what your company does and how people use its products? What is going on in the industry? What new research is being done? You may find that you have all kinds of things to say. What will make writing a little easier, besides discipline, is having a strong and consistent point of view.

I think it is fair to share with your boss that you have some ideas for the social videos. You probably know better than to trash the colleague currently in charge of it—but might there be a way to dovetail the blog with the video? I am just making this up, but why not try to create something brand new? Maybe you could create short videos that go with each blog. You will have more ideas than I will, so seize the opportunity to get the company to change things up and experiment.

Now let’s talk about writer’s block and the relentless pressure of a weekly column. I will tell you the truth: the only thing I think more about than my weekly blog is what I am going to make for dinner. I think about it in my sleep. I never don’t think about it. But I have also developed a ritual and a routine, which I learned from working with a client who was once responsible for the #1 technology newsletter in the pre-internet era. He was nearly driven mad, so we worked diligently to develop a sequence of habits and practices that kept him on track and eliminated the devastating emotional toll of procrastination and the intense cramming at the end of the month.

Here are some tips:

In his book Put It In Writing, Albert Joseph contends that a lot of what stops writers is getting tangled up between the “what” to say and the “how” to say it. When the writer separates the two – the point that needs to be made and exactly how to make the point – everything becomes easier.
Keep a document where you can jot down ideas as they occur to you. You think you will remember, but you won’t. If you are really stuck at crunch time, hopefully there will be something in your idea log that sparks. One advantage of an advice column is that the ideas come from the readers, but it can take a while to get a decent flow of interesting letters going.
If you are stuck, go for a walk, dedicating the time to the writing task and recording your thoughts as you go. Nobody even notices anymore when people walk along talking at their phone, so you don’t have to worry about looking like a lunatic. Let your word app transcribe your voice recording and see what you have that you may be able to work with. Walking almost always does the trick. In fact, research shows that getting outside in nature and moving increases creative problem-solving capacity by a staggering 50 percent.
If you already have a good idea but can’t get the jumble of points to flow, try mind mapping. You can find a step-by-step primer on how to mind map here—but you don’t need software to do it. Just a blank piece of paper will do—old school and cost free!
To generate ideas, identify the people in your organization who seem to be up to interesting things and ask if you can interview them about what they are paying attention to, what they are struggling with, or what they have learned recently. This approach has the added benefit of meeting and developing relationships with more people in the company, which is always good, never bad.
Find a reliable thought partner. Some people don’t know what they are thinking until something pops out of their mouth. You may have someone in mind already, or you may have to test out a few likely candidates.
Finally, if the company blog has been around long enough, go through the archive to see if you can find anything that could use an updated take. Things in technology change fast, and adding to a conversation that has already been started can be valuable.

The only way to find out if you are up to the task is to try. Share your reservations with your boss and build yourself an out if you find it just isn’t your jam. There are a lot of opportunities that come with success, though, and you may be really glad you took the chance.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

People Aren’t Stepping Up for a Senior Leadership Role? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 07 Jun 2025 10:19:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I manage R&D for a large medical device company. I am at the tail end of my work life. I wanted to retire at the end of this year, but our executive team is encouraging me to stay until I feel comfortable that someone on my team can step into the role.

Right now, I am not seeing a likely replacement. The job requires a wide mix of skills and activities. Although I have shared development ideas with my direct reports, I don’t see anyone doing anything differently.

I just sense that no one really cares much about the job or has the ambition to do anything other than the bare minimum. How can I light a fire under these people?

Where Is the Spark?

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Where Is the Spark?

It might be you, my friend. It sounds like you have made some suggestions that your folks may not quite know what to do with. And they may not know why they should bother.

Getting your people fired up to develop themselves for a senior leadership role requires you to intentionally and systematically tap into their dreams and aspirations, understand their identity—how they see themselves, and convince them of their agency—the extent to which they are empowered to go beyond where they think they can go. It’s up to you to create an environment where each of your people sees what’s possible, why it matters, and how they can grow into it.

Here are some ideas for how you might approach creating such an environment:

1. Share a Vision of What Leadership in Your Organization Can Be

You can do this with your entire team, in small doses.

Describe what great leadership looks like in your organization—not just in competencies, but in impact.
Share examples of leaders in your company who are admired. Why are they effective?
Talk about the difference leaders can make at a senior level. Tell stories. You might say something like: “Leadership here isn’t about position—it’s about shaping direction, driving culture, and building something bigger than yourself.”

The challenge with this idea is that you will also be held to the standards you talk about.

2. Spot and Call Out Potential

People rarely see leadership potential in themselves unless someone points it out.

Tell individuals specifically what strengths or behaviors you’ve seen in them that signal leadership potential.
Make it personal and credible: “I see you as someone who could be a strategic leader here because you consistently…”

Don’t wait for them to ask. Plant a seed anytime you see something a person can build on.

3. Connect to Personal Purpose

Deep motivation comes from alignment with identity and values. Who is each team member, at their core? How do they see themselves? What matters most to them?

You might ask: “What kind of impact do you want to have?” or “What problems do you care most about solving?” or “What interests you most about what we do here?
Once you get some answers, you can connect to ways that senior leadership might offer them a bigger lever to engage in activities that mean the most to them.

4. Share Responsibility

Growth accelerates when people feel responsible for something bigger than their job. Look at what you do daily and figure out what you can delegate. Start out small, and build.

Assign stretch responsibilities that align with senior leadership competencies, such as cross-functional work, strategy development, or mentoring others.
Let them lead change, not just manage tasks.
Frame it: “This is a great chance to build the skill set senior leaders need.”

5. Make Development Visible and Structured

If development feels fuzzy or unsupported, it can easily fall by the wayside—which is what has been happening for your people.

Build or recommend a clear pathway: rotational projects, leadership coaching, mentoring, strategic courses. Build on strengths or identify specific gaps they can work on.
Use individual development plans (IDPs) tied to specific leadership competencies. If your organization already has these, use them. If it doesn’t, create the ones you think are most critical. Start with one or two and be careful not to overpower people with too much, too soon. The key is to start with low-hanging fruit. What is a small thing that might be possible and would make a big difference?

6. Celebrate Progress and Model the Way

People need to see development as a rewarding investment; otherwise, it just feels like extra work.

Acknowledge each person’s accomplishments and growth in public settings. This reinforces motivation and can inspire others in the group to rise as well.
Share your own development journey, including struggles. This normalizes growth and makes leadership feel attainable. It would require you to be vulnerable, which could be uncomfortable. But it will humanize you and remind your people that you weren’t always the boss.

You will learn a lot about your people as you try some of these suggestions. The obstacles will become much clearer. You may uncover irrational fears that you can allay. You may find that some of your folks are already overwhelmed by their workload and don’t have the bandwidth to take on anything else. You may uncover some cynicism; e.g., you may hear that the organization is perceived as very political. Cynicism is data that can help you pinpoint assumptions about falsehoods that you can dispel, or about realities you hadn’t noticed or considered important. You can help everyone shift their mindset and support them in navigating obstacles.

This will be a lot more work for you—and, of course, for them. But if they know you care and are paying attention, I guarantee a few will rise to the top. And then you can retire!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure What Your Personal Development Coaching Goals Should Be? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 31 May 2025 12:47:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

Our company is providing group coaching for all managers at my level. I have never worked with a coach before, but they have given us a bunch of information so (I think) I am comfortable with what coaching is and what is expected of me.

My one area of confusion is this: they have asked us to come to the first session prepared to share our goals with the group—not just our work goals (those are clear to me) but also our professional goals.

I am not sure how to decide what those might be. Ever since I started working, I have been hyper-focused on doing a good job. That has brought me this far. I like my work and I like being good at it, but now I realize there might be more to focus on.

I thought you might have some ideas. What kind of goals do most managers in organizations work on when they work with a coach?

Where to Begin?

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Where to Begin,

Oh boy, do I have ideas and am I ever delighted to share them with you.

First I want to reassure you that it isn’t unusual to get super focused on doing a good job. And that isn’t usually a problem—until it is. For many people, it never is. The sweet spot for coaching is when people are either intrigued by the idea of going from good to great or inspired to challenge themselves to go for something that feels ever so slightly out of reach. So it sounds like this timing is perfect for you.

As you start thinking about your own personal development goals, the first step is to learn what your organization is hoping to accomplish by providing you and your peers with group coaching. Presumably they are seeking some kind of impact. Maybe they want all of their managers to align their behaviors with organizational values or to develop some pre-defined leadership competencies. Is there anything they have already provided that evokes a potential vision for yourself—something to aspire to?

In the absence of any direction from your organization, the next stop would be your boss. I imagine you have been getting feedback from them—possibly a skill that needs developing or a behavior to try on. If no pointers have been shared, you might ask your manager for a one-on-one meeting in which you ask questions such as:

Based on what you have observed, what roles should I be aiming for? What should I be focusing on to be a good candidate?
Is there anything you see that would help me add even more value to you, my team, or the organization?
What do think is possible for me?

It is entirely possible your manager isn’t used to this kind of conversation, so be patient. It is also possible your manager won’t have anything useful to share with you. That would be sad, but it wouldn’t be unusual.

Once you have exhausted your search for input from the outside, you can do some reflection to see what bubbles up from the inside. In The Owner’s Manual for the Brain, Dr. Pierce Howard shares a useful framework for shaping a satisfying life (pg.868):

Flow: total absorption in the task at hand
Fit: work that builds on your strengths
Goal progress: the pursuit of that which is personally meaningful
Relationships: friends and friendly acquaintances that appeal in some way
Altruism: service to others

You might consider that any goal you set for yourself will be most engaging if it meets at least some of these criteria—the more the better. As you reflect, you can also practice visualizing what a great day at work might look like in five years. Visualizing the future is not a natural activity for many people, and it takes some practice, so don’t be discouraged if you don’t have a crystal clear vision right out of the gate.

Ask yourself: how many direct reports do I have? Am I leading individual contributors or am I leading managers? How much time do I spend in meetings? How much time do I spend doing my own work? What is the nature of the work? What kind of problems am I solving? Am I traveling to meet with people or to job sites, or am I at a desk most of the time? What kinds of people am I interacting with? What do I bring to the table that adds value or makes me a unique contributor?

Another way to gain insight into your heart’s desire is to identify whom you envy. Envy can be useful in that it gives us information about what matters to us. It helps us understand that we really want something in a way that maybe had not been clear. If envy reveals something you automatically think you can never have, that may be true, but it may also be an assumed constraint that you can overcome.

Hopefully, this will be enough to get you started.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Team Lead Seems to Be Inappropriately Dependent On You? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 24 May 2025 13:44:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a great team. We do good work together, and we seem to always find a way to hit our milestones and deadlines. My problem is that our team lead seems to be inappropriately dependent on me.

He is pretty much AWOL most of the time and I am the only person on the team that he has regular contact with. He asked me to create a report to send him every week outlining where the team is with key projects. He sends me to almost all cross-functional meetings in his place, and I report back with updates on the agenda items, what decisions were made, etc.

Whenever anyone on the team has a problem, they hit me up on Slack and I am generally able to help them out. When I do feel the need to escalate, I send an email to the team lead and hope for a response, though I rarely get one. I usually end up using my best judgment and sending him an email telling him what I decided.

It took me a couple of months to notice just how out of contact he is with the rest of the team. I went for drinks with a couple of team members the other night and the topic came up.

It is now obvious to me that everyone on the team sees me as their leader and that nobody really knows what happened to our lead. We all feel like he just kind of fell off the planet. I am just not sure what to make of this.

I don’t really mind. I enjoy being helpful and I am able to get all of my work done, so the extra time isn’t a problem. But I worry that I am letting myself be taken advantage of. I also worry about what is going to happen when it comes to performance reviews, which are coming up soon. I know who on the team puts the time and effort in and who does the bare minimum, but I don’t feel like it is my job to be calling that out.

I am afraid my lead is going to ask me to handle the performance reviews and I need to be prepared. I think if I am going to do my boss’s job, I need to be paid more and be given the title. Ultimately, it seems unfair to me and to the team.

I have thought about bringing this up with him, but our infrequent 1×1’s are always rushed and packed with so many urgent things, there is never enough time.

Any suggestions? Thanks.

Missing Team Lead

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Missing Team Lead,

I’m sorry—this situation sounds frustrating and upsetting. As someone with a high personal need for clarity, this would drive me insane. You don’t mention when it started or if something changed. Whatever happened to cause your manager to go missing in action, he should have asked you to take a larger role. He should have reached some clear agreements with you about how you would step up and negotiated how the added responsibility might be appropriately acknowledged and rewarded. It is really just that simple. You have definitely been put in an unfair position, and so far you have been a good sport about it. The question is what to do about it.

The choices available to you as always, variations on the classic:

Do nothing.
Do something.
Remove yourself from the situation.

As you think this through, your first step is to decide for yourself just how much ambiguity you can live with for how long, and identify what you really want. If you simply seek clarity, that might be easier to achieve than you expect. Or perhaps you simply want acknowledgement. If what you really want is a promotion, or even a bump in pay, that might be a little trickier. But if you don’t ask, the answer is always no, so getting more comfortable with asking for what you need will serve you well.

You really can do nothing and prepare to stay mum about anyone on the team. At some point your manager will either reappear, resign, or be fired—at which time hopefully you will be promoted to the role you have been doing.

The most obvious “do something” is to have the hard conversation with your AWOL boss. A model you might use to prepare, that has been extremely helpful to many of my clients, is Conversational Capacity. The author, Craig Weber, proposes that we all need to practice a mix of curiosity and candor. You might practice curiosity by asking your manager what is going on with him that is causing him to be so detached from work. You could practice candor by stating your position and how you arrived at it. You can read more about this here. Be clear about what you are experiencing, and express your concerns without blame or judgment. I recommend you practice with a friend to get both the words and the neutral tone right.

Another option would be to speak to your boss’s boss about it—but that depends entirely on your company’s culture. Only you can know if that approach would yield the result you want. If you have a good relationship with your boss’s boss, it could work. Again, avoid blame and judgment.

Removing yourself from the situation would mean trying to find another job, which would probably be overkill. But you could just stop stepping up and see what happens.

Once you decide what you really want and what you are willing to do (and risk) to get it, the choice will reveal itself. You sound level-headed and competent. I suspect you will find your way.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Passed Over Repeatedly for a Job? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 17 May 2025 14:15:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I read your blog from last week and it struck me that I could use some tips from you about the problem you skipped in your answer to the letter writer.

I, too, have been passed over for a promotion. It happened at my last company, which is why I left, but I am having the same problem in my new job.

I have been here for three years now, and despite doing very well managing a couple of teams and getting “exceeds expectations” on every performance review, the last time I interviewed for a job at the next higher level they brought someone in from the outside. From all reports the person is mediocre at best.

I got great feedback after the interview, and my own manager (a peer of the new hire) was apologetic. You may tell me to ask for more feedback, which I have done, but I haven’t heard anything I can use. It all seems to be positive.

I am very frustrated. I know I must be doing something wrong, but I don’t know what it is. I thought you might have some insight.

Passed Over. Again.

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Passed Over. Again.,

I am very sorry for your frustration. I’m also sorry because, of course, there is no way for me to know exactly what is going on without more detail. I can only share possibilities and hope you can pick something out that might be useful.

In my experience, there are two types of factors that come into play when a seemingly ideal internal candidate is passed over for a senior-level job. First, there are external factors that have nothing to do with you and over which you have no control. Then there are individual factors that have everything to do with you and how you are perceived. I will outline both and hopefully something will resonate for you.

External Factors: These are the things you have no control over but you might be able to influence in the future. These include a need or desire for:

An innovative approach – Even companies that claim to be committed to hiring and promoting internally sometimes yearn for a new perspective, or fresh eyes, as it were. It is very easy for companies to become too insulated and lose their edge if they are not hiring from a wide field and also from the competition.
Expanded network – Some critical positions require a person who has a wide network of relationships inside and outside the industry. This most often true for sales and highly technical roles.
Increased diversity – Less of an issue for many US-based companies than it was even six months ago, many organizations believe building a more diverse senior leadership will help them in the long run. Research certainly shows this to be true.

Finally, sometimes you are up against old-fashioned nepotism. People like to hire people they know well. It’s just human nature. So if the choice is between you and the EVP’s bestie from grad school, there really is no competition. Most annoying, though, is when you lose out because the hiring manager feels beholden to a person or family member. It happens a lot in politics, of course, but it actually happens everywhere all the time. This kind of thing can be so covert that almost no one is aware that it’s happening.

Individual Factors: This list will be longer, although is not exhaustive. The questions to ask yourself as you review these possibilities are:

Have I ever received feedback about this but didn’t pay attention to it?
Could this be true of me?
If this were true for me, what might I do to remedy it? Am I willing to do it?

The individual factors that contribute to anyone being passed over more than once for a job they feel eminently qualified for can be broken down into three main categories, which are all connected.

Poor or Insufficient Internal Networking

Lack of visibility – If leadership doesn’t see or recognize your contributions, they might be overlooked even if you are super competent.
Weak internal networking – Promotions often go to those who build strong relationships with key decision-makers and people who have influence, not just those who do good work. This truth is often unwelcome because most of us wish it weren’t the case. If this rings a bell for you, you can complain that life is unfair because success is all about who you know, or you can get over yourself and make it your business to get to know people. This may sound harsh, especially if you are extremely shy or introverted. I am sorry for that. If you need help with how to go about building and nurturing a solid network, you can find my article about relationship mapping here and more tips here.
Organizational politics – Favoritism, alliances, or internal politics can skew promotion decisions away from merit. There isn’t a whole lot to be done about this, but building a lot more relationships will help.
Risk-averse leaders – Managers may favor a sure thing even if another candidate shows more promise. If there is a choice between promoting someone who has donethe job elsewhere and someone who may be able to do the job if given a chance but is as yet unproven, many will go with the safe choice. It can be tough to combat this tendency, but it can be done. How? You have probably heard that to get a new job, you have to do the job you want in addition to the job you have. This is another fact that is hard to stomach, because who wants to do that much more work? Ambitious people is who. And wow, is it tricky, because how on earth does that work? How do you take on projects or tasks that aren’t in your job description without seeming overly pushy or stepping on toes? It does demand finesse. It requires you to identify things that need doing but aren’t being done, as well as the support of your manager. What tends to work well is volunteering to take on non-official (and usually thankless) work such as organizing culture-building events, enrolling other volunteers, and making the extra work fun and interesting for people.

Lack of Compelling Executive Presence or Other Intangible Qualities

Perceived lack of leadership potential – Someone may be great at their current job but not able to demonstrate the executive presence, strategic thinking, initiative, or influence needed for a higher-level role. This one is particularly thorny because these qualities are rarely broken down and explained to someone who is told they lack them. The best resource that details what these terms generally mean, with great ideas for what a person might do to improve, is FYI: For Your Improvement. An oldie but a goodie, this is easily one of the most dog-eared books I have on my shelf. It’s ideal for go-getters and the coaches who work with them.
Mismatch with company culture or values – You might be technically qualified, but not aligned with your organization’s leadership expectations or communication style. Have you researched the company’s leadership competencies (if any exist)? Can you reel off the company’s values and point to how every one of your accomplishments reflects one or more of them?
Soft skills gap: Strong communication, collaboration, or conflict management skills are often valued more than technical skills at higher levels. If you don’t have a chance to demonstrate these types of skills in your current job, ask your manager to keep you in mind for projects that will allow you to do so. If you do use these skills in your job, it is possible that your manager is unaware of how you have been tested and have risen to the occasion. In that case, it is up to you to point out ways you have used skills as part of your regular performance review.

Inadequate Attention to Personal PR

Unwillingness to toot your own horn – I get it. Humility is a very attractive trait, but the truth is that you have to toot that horn because it isn’t anyone else’s job to do it for you. So, as stated above, it might be time to rethink how you approach your performance reviews. As someone who managed people for over 30 years, I can attest that the individuals who fared better—many of them quiet high performers—made sure when it came to performance review time that I was crystal clear about every little thing they had accomplished within the period. I mean every obstacle they had overcome, every goal or task they had achieved, and every skill they had worked on.

You might wonder if this is fair. Probably not. But every manager has a full-time job in addition to managing people. If you make everything look easy, they might be forgiven for thinking it was. I have seen some extraordinary excel spreadsheets and I can tell you, they were persuasive.

Limited business impact – Candidates who don’t tie their work to broader business outcomes (e.g., revenue, efficiency, innovation) may seem less promotable. Business impact can be fiendishly difficult to pinpoint and may require some creativity on your part. You have to find a way to define and articulate your and your team’s impact and make sure everyone knows about it. Again, this might be a column in your spreadsheet.
Unclear self-promotion – People who don’t articulate their goals or advocate for themselves can be overlooked in favor of those who do. Again, I know, yuck—who wants to have to promote themselves? Mostly people who annoy us, and we don’t want to be like them. But there are ways to do it without being smarmy. I would refer you back to the book FYI for reasonable tactics that work for you instead of against you.

Another thought is to identify the people around you who successfully self-promote and observe how they do it. I currently work with one woman who somehow makes everyone love her and want to work with her. I am still not quite sure how she does it, but I can tell you it has a lot to do with building relationships and making sure people know she cares about them. Which brings us back to networking. Thus, the virtuous circle.

Whew. That’s a lot, huh? But here’s the thing, Passed Over. Again., you don’t have to address all of these ideas at once. A couple of these things will strike you as possibly true for you and potentially doable. Start with those and see where they take you.

I would love to work in a meritocracy, my friend, but I have yet to find one. Humans are complicated and merit is simply the door opener. Everything else is relationships. You know you have value to add, and it is your job to collect as many people who see it as clearly as you do, in an organic and graceful way.

If extreme external factors aren’t at play, and if you start now, I guarantee you won’t be passed over next time.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Waste and Inefficiency at Work Driving You Crazy? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 10 May 2025 11:10:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a midsized company. When our CTO retired I thought I would be in the running for the job, because I have been with the company the longest, have kept my skills current, and have lots of ideas that I regularly share with our CEO. Apparently I wasn’t even considered, and a new CTO has been hired without the job being posted.

I won’t lie—I absolutely resent that I wasn’t given at least a chance. But that’s not my issue. My issue is that the company has some serious problems.

We are paying for some legacy systems that nobody uses. No one really knows who initiated the contracts or why. It is costing us needlessly. Also, we have a couple of IT support people who literally smoke weed all day and play pass-the-buck with support tickets. We could be getting so much more out of this team and we could easily get by with fewer people.

Our CEO is clueless. He left it all up to the former CTO, who had one foot out the door for years. The waste and inefficiency drives me crazy.

How do I surface all of this to the new CTO without it seeming like sour grapes? I don’t want to rat people out, but I also feel like I’m the only one who puts in real work days—and that’s getting old.

Thoughts?

Watching the Train Wreck

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Watching the Train Wreck,

This all sounds really frustrating. There is a whole potential conversation about what played into your being summarily passed over for a promotion, but you didn’t ask about that so I will leave it be.

I think there are ways to surface issues without calling anyone out. It is just hard for you to see it because you are so angry. I’m not saying you are wrong for being angry, you just can’t let it get in your way.

I suspect there might be a situation where you surface problems to your manager without sharing your ideas for how to fix them. I have heard many managers and leaders say “don’t bring me problems without ideas for how to solve them.”

There is no reason not to make a list of the legacy systems nobody uses and share them with the new CTO. If you shared this with your former CTO and nothing was ever done, either he didn’t care or he was getting a kickback. Either way, this situation is bad and needs fixing.

You could volunteer to chase down the contracts, see if the original time frame has expired, and potentially cancel—just be 100% sure that you are correct in your belief that nobody uses the system. You may not know who still depends on what, and historical data could be lost if you haven’t fully done your due diligence. Take on the project and get it done. Keep track of how much you are saving the company and make sure your new boss knows about it.

Regarding your slacker colleagues, you are 100% right that ratting anyone out is a bad idea. Nobody likes a rat. It’s just human nature. But there has to be a better way of managing support tickets so that the work is more evenly distributed and dodging is not an option. Without naming names, you could share that the current process is unreliable and allows for too much leeway for team members to play the system. Maybe come up with a few ideas for a process that might work, and volunteer to experiment to find one that is equitable. You must know of better systems—especially if you’ve stayed up to speed with changes in your field of expertise.

What your new CTO will experience is someone who is honest (without being judgy) and eager to initiate change for the better. Hopefully, your input will be well received.

If it turns out that the new CTO is as disengaged as the last one, your best bet may be to go work with people who care about efficiency and professionalism as much as you do. But give the new person a chance. You never know; it could be great.

No sour grapes. Just candor, ideas for solutions, and enthusiasm.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

New Job Might Be a Toxic Workplace? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 03 May 2025 11:17:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a professional office manager. I happily managed a medical practice for many years until I was let go when it was acquired by a large national entity.

I recently went for an interview to manage a new practice after having several promising interviews. I arrived early for the interview and was sitting in the waiting room when I overheard one of the doctors speaking to a PA, a nurse, and the desk staff. He was just awful. He called people names and was overbearing and condescending.

It turned out that he is the managing partner, and my interview was with him. He had no idea I had been sitting and waiting for a while, and he could not have been more charming. I started to get the idea that he really wanted to just hire me on the spot because they keep losing their office managers.

They have offered me the job. The pay is competitive and the benefits are fine. I am just not sure I can deal with this person being my boss. And I don’t think it would be fun to manage a staff that is so browbeaten.

At my last office, the doctors were kind and treated the staff with respect and consideration. I didn’t even realize what a difference that makes until I got a shocking view of the exact opposite.

What do you think? Jobs that fit my skill set in my area aren’t that plentiful. Should I just bite the bullet? I have money saved, so I am not desperate for a job, but I also wonder if I am being too picky. Are my standards too high?

Thanks for any ideas you may have for me.

Too Picky?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Too Picky?

No. You aren’t too picky. You are right to carefully assess the quality of the work environment you are considering. There is so much research showing that incivility in the workplace affects the quality of life and even the health of workers. You can read an example of some here.

Here is the thing. You are basing your initial assessment on one experience. You don’t actually know if the doctor in question behaves that way all the time. Maybe he was having a terrible day. And what about all the other doctors?

You might think about getting in contact with some of the staff members and asking what it is like to work in the office. That will give you a lot more information. If your first impression is corroborated, that will tell you what you need to know. If you still aren’t sure, you might suggest a three-month trial period. If the practice lead and the other doctors are awful all the time, you can leave and tell them why. So it isn’t all or nothing. You might have an opportunity to influence and make the practice the kind of happy place you were accustomed to.

Your instincts are good, Too Picky. I just don’t know that you need to make a snap decision. Explore the opportunity a little more. Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I hope you find the right place!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Job Offer Seems Too Good to Be True? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 26 Apr 2025 11:50:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am hoping you might have some insight for me. The problem isn’t mine but my wife’s.

She has a great job with a company where she has been promoted several times. During Covid, when everyone went to virtual work, we took the opportunity to move closer to her family. Her parents were eager to help out with our kids.

When things went back to normal, my wife started going into the office twice a week. The commute was a bear but it was working.

Now her company is demanding that everyone be in the office five days a week. Commuting every day is just not sustainable. We could move back closer to her office but it would mean uprooting the kids and losing the extra help from her family. Still, that’s what I think we should do.

However, another company has been pursuing her rather aggressively. They have promised that she can work from anywhere, which is the deal I have. They are offering a huge bump in salary and an amazing benefits package.

Despite everything my wife has told me, I have a bad feeling about it. I can’t really explain why, but it all just seems a little too good to be true. Every time I point this out, my wife accuses me of not believing in her and not thinking she is worth the kind of salary they are promising her, which is not the case at all.

How can I find out if the company and the offer is on the up and up? I would much prefer to stay put, and it would be great if my wife didn’t have to commute anymore, not to mention the big salary increase. I can’t put my finger on what feels off to me. The whole debate has turned emotional and I feel at a loss as to how to get to the right decision.

Big Decision

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Big Decision,

You and your wife are a functioning unit where both parties have to work together to grow both careers and children. So make no mistake—this is indeed your problem, not just your wife’s.

It seems that you have two big issues here. The first is that your wife doesn’t seem to trust that you have her best interests at heart, and the second is that the job offer seems too good to be true.

I am no marriage counselor, but it seems odd that your wife is getting defensive about your doubts instead of taking them at face value. It could be that her judgment is clouded by her desire to stay put, eliminate her commute, and make more money. But if she is doubting your motives, there could be some repair work that needs to be done. Perhaps she feels undermined by you or has the impression that you don’t think she is very smart. The two of you are going to have to have some frank conversations to get to the bottom of this. If you want to enlist some help, I am a huge fan of John Gottman. The Gottman Institute offers a ton of resources to help couples improve their relationships. It can’t hurt to check it out, and it might help—not just in this instance, but for the long haul.

The second issue is that the job offer seems suspect to you. Right now it is just a feeling, so the next step is to get all the facts. Here are some ideas to get your research started. Maybe one of them will help you to pin down what feels off to you.

Research the company.

Company website: Does it look professional and up to date? Are the contact details legit (email with a company domain, physical address, phone)?
LinkedIn presence: Is the company listed on LinkedIn? Are employees with real profiles working there? Might your wife be willing to contact a few of them and talk to them about what it is like to work there?
Online reviews: Check Glassdoor, Indeed, or Google Reviews for employee feedback.
Business registration: For U.S. companies, you can check the secretary of state’s business search. Other countries have similar registries.
Talk to people you trust and get other opinions.

Inspect the communication—if your wife will allow it, of course. Or you can share these recommendations with her.

Email domain: Legit companies don’t usually use Gmail/Yahoo/etc. for hiring. Look for an email like recruiter@companyname.com.
Grammar and tone: Scams often have poor grammar, generic greetings (“Dear Applicant”), and overenthusiastic language (“You’ve been specially chosen!!!”).
Urgency or pressure: Be wary if they’re pushing you to act fast or not ask questions.

Examine the job offer and contract.

Is the job description detailed and specific to the role? Real job postings usually include tasks, skills required, and expectations.

The principle here is that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. If you truly believe that your wife is wearing rose-colored glasses, you must approach it delicately. Ask good questions and remind her at every turn that you think any company would be lucky to have her.

Changing jobs is tricky and stressful. It really does make sense to do all due diligence before making the leap. Worst case, your research yields some real concerns and you avoid a disaster. Best case, this opportunity could be a stroke of luck for the whole family! I sure hope so!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Offhand Comment Has You Feeling Like an Imposter? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 19 Apr 2025 11:01:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

My daughter told me I have “imposter syndrome.” I’ve done some research and I don’t think I have that at all. I think it’s something else. But I am definitely struggling with something.

I have an unusually high IQ, graduated high school two years early, and attended a top university on a full scholarship. I was offered a spot in a top graduate program that I completed with honors. I have been in senior leadership positions for over twenty years. I’m not bragging, just trying to set context.

About 18 months ago I was tapped to join the executive team of my organization, a global publicly traded company. When I told my best friend, she laughed and said, “Oh, they are nailing their DEI quota by having a black girl on the team!”

I just can’t get it out of my head. It’s true that the team consists of me, a lot of white guys, and one Indian guy who oversees IT. I hate that anyone thinks I have my job because of my sex or my race. I get along well with every other member of the executive team. The CEO and the chairman of the board call me all the time to get my take on the economy and our strategic plan and position. And yet—what if I did get this job as a token? Is that imposter syndrome?

I have never once doubted myself until now. It is distracting and it worries me. And with the way things are going, now I am also worried that the need to have a diverse executive team is no longer an imperative, and that I will be summarily fired when I least expect it.

Am I nuts? I am hoping you can provide some perspective.

Token CFO

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Token CFO,

You aren’t nuts. And you aren’t suffering from imposter syndrome or tokenism. It seems what you might be struggling with is the weight of a bunch of yuck and fear that other people are projecting onto you. And when it’s people who love you and (in theory) want the best for you, it is harder to interpret and to insulate yourself from. This, to me, is simply an example of the dark side of success, which is seldom talked about. It would make sense that the people who love you most would be nothing but supportive, but that is rarely the case. When someone achieves great heights, it can be threatening to loved ones and evoke all kinds of unexpected fears:

Fear that you might become such a big shot that you don’t have time or space for them
Fear that you might have huge success only to be bitterly disappointed
Fear that you will develop an overly inflated view of yourself and your personality will change

And that’s just for starters. None of these fears are conscious—if they were, you wouldn’t have to put up with this nonsense.

Let’s look at this rationally. It sounds like you are comfortable with that.

I asked my pal Betty Dannewitz, our resident expert on imposter syndrome, to weigh in, and she confirms your assessment. She says:

“Imposter syndrome is defined as believing you are inadequate and incompetent despite evidence that indicates you are skilled and quite successful. TCFO doesn’t have imposter syndrome, but what her best friend said is giving her feelings of imposter syndrome. The doubt was planted and that is unfortunate.”

Betty goes on to say: “Remember that feelings lie most of the time. So, regardless of how TCFO is feeling, the evidence proves she is competent and capable and they want and need her in that position. She said herself that they call on her for perspective and insight. If she were a token, they would have already checked the box and moved on. In fact, based on the evidence, she is an asset. Believe the data, not the doubt.”

The thing about imposter syndrome is that it can become a catch-all term for any reasonable doubts we may have about ourselves. And who doesn’t have occasional doubts? I have met a few people who truly never doubt themselves and I will admit that they kind of scare me. A little doubt is healthy. It means you are self-aware and you are focused on continual improvement.

Let’s talk about the token thing. As Betty noted, the evidence suggests that your friend’s quip is simply untrue. Betty also opened her response to me with “Nice friend, huh?” which echoed my thought exactly. But let’s remember that the remark came from a dark place that has nothing to do with your reality.

I can understand how you might be worried in this current climate, but there is no reason to look for trouble where none exists. And here is the question I always ask clients if they worry that they were given an opportunity for reasons other than pure merit: What if it were true? What if you got the job because your father is friends with the CEO? What if you got the job because they needed to fill a quota? What if you got the job because someone wants something from you? So what? Because in the end, if you want a job and someone gives it to you, all there is to do is a good job. To prove yourself worthy of your good fortune (if only to yourself). To rise to the occasion, bring your best, and crush it—which you are apparently doing.

Doubts are normal, my friend. Doubt is simply a facet of fear, and fear can be useful. Doubt and fear only become a problem when they stop you from taking smart risks, doing your best work, and fulfilling your potential. You can treat your doubt like a character in the story of your life and talk back to it when it takes up too much space in your head. One of my clients named her doubt Tina—short for Doubtina—and she used to say things like, “Oh, Tina showed up big time this week. We made a detailed list of all her concerns, and it was clarifying. I definitely saw some areas that I could pay more attention to. Then I sent her on her way.”

You can be kind and forgiving to your daughter and your friend, knowing they probably mean well. Just because they are afraid—of losing you or for you—doesn’t mean you have to be. Just keep building those relationships and being your brilliant self.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Need Help Advocating for Yourself? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 12 Apr 2025 12:21:00 +0000

Hello Madeleine,

I am 44, a devout Christian, on the autism spectrum, and working on my PhD at a seminary. From the day I came here I have had one job: I work at the campus post office. The pay is horrible, but I have a Patreon so I don’t need as much as others. I mainly like to interact with the students, especially in the hope of meeting a lady someday to remarry.

Generally, I get along pretty well with my boss. She helps me in many areas with social relationships. Working with me I think has really informed her on autism.

Some time ago, I told her I wanted to learn how to count the money we receive at the end of the day. I was extremely nervous doing this, fearing I would fail, but at the same time I wanted to impress. I always had her check my work before submitting anything. One day, the account came out $200 over. We don’t know what happened, but I wasn’t allowed to help anymore.

Then we hired a new girl. Did she get to do that? Yep. Did it stab me in the heart every time? Yep. Now that girl is gone and we have hired another new girl. I heard my boss tell her that no one would handle the money but my boss. Then a few weeks ago, I saw the new girl being trained on it.

It devastated me. Not only that, but this girl and I have clashed repeatedly. She is a Miss Manners type who is highly extroverted and expects me to answer questions that I consider small talk. I never respond. I work with her only on Wednesdays and I dread them. Last Wednesday was the worst—I could hear her counting the money in the back and it caused me terrible pain.

I don’t want to be here when that girl is here. Every time I see her, I feel ashamed and get another reminder that I am seen as incapable.

My philosophy is you should never give up on someone who wants to learn. I have been given up on, and it hurts. I know I can do the job, regardless of what anyone says. I know I can. It’s data entry. I do that regularly. If I can’t do a simple job like that, I might as well quit PhD work right now because that’s a lot tougher.

I am talking with my therapist about this and writing out a response. Until then, what can I do? My therapist says there is a triangulation in relationship now. I go to work and I feel like the outsider.

I don’t think this is malicious at all. My boss has even said it’s not personal, but I wish it was. I would rather be told “You’re not doing the money because I don’t like you” than “You’re not doing the money because I think you’re incapable.”

I know this might sound like a small thing compared to many other business struggles, but for me, it’s huge, and it’s something I’m considering as I look ahead to my career as a teacher. I never want to give up on a student who wants to learn.

Devastated

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Devasted,

Thank you for sharing your experience, I think it will resonate with many people. The first thing I want to say is that this does not sound like a small thing. I think it is painful and distracting for everyone when their boss (1) passes unilateral judgment and writes them off as limited; (2) does not communicate openly when an error is made; and (3) blatantly favors other employees.

This is your job, a significant part of your life, and it’s about being seen, heard, and respected as a human being. I might even go so far as to say that it is huge. I also think if something like this happened to anyone, including me, it would be incredibly upsetting.

My first instinct when I read your letter was to go to my books and reach out to colleagues who are neurodivergent for their perspective. One in particular had this to say: “They weren’t told they made a mistake—they were shown, silently, when someone else got a chance that they didn’t. And that silent message effectively told them: I don’t trust you.

“As someone on the autism spectrum, I can relate to this. We typically experience social interactions differently, sometimes more directly, sometimes more deeply, sometimes with a heightened sensitivity to fairness, consistency, or unspoken rules.

“And it’s not a flaw—it’s a way of perceiving and processing that is valid and valuable. But it can also make situations like this one—where there’s ambiguity, unspoken judgment, or subtle shifts in trust—feel especially painful or confusing. It’s not just about what happened. It’s about what wasn’t said, and the space that leaves for hurt.”

This made perfect sense to me. I agree that when the error was made, it doesn’t sound like any effort was made to discuss it or to go back and figure out how it happened.

Mistakes are to be learned from, not punished. Your boss simply ducked responsibility as the person supervising you to get to the bottom of what happened and make sure it would never happen again.

I share your philosophy that no one should ever give up on someone who wants to learn. And I agree that if you are pursuing a PhD you must have enough going for you from a brain power standpoint to master the task in question.

You say that working with you has “informed her on autism,” but clearly not enough. I am speculating here, but I suspect that the reason she dodged telling the truth about the error is that she was afraid to get it wrong. Little does she know that her dodge has caused a much bigger issue, which is almost always the case—for anyone.

I understand that you would probably prefer to walk on coals than have the hard conversation with your boss. But I also know learning to have difficult conversations with colleagues and bosses—and, in time, with your students—is going to help you in the long term to advocate for yourself when people don’t understand how your brain works differently from theirs.

If having the conversation is simply too daunting, which I understand, perhaps you can write your boss a note explaining how this whole situation has affected you and ask for a second chance at mastering the task. If you go this route, refrain from blaming. Simply explain how you feel and that you are committed to constantly learning and improving—and the only way you can do that is with her feedback and support.

Almost everyone who works with others needs to learn to advocate for themselves, which helps bosses and coworkers understand what their strengths and communication preferences are. It can take time, sometimes years, for most people to increase their comfort level with this.

Let’s talk about the new girl (TNG). I think your strong allergy to her is based on two separate things:

she is oblivious to your difference and her apparently natural behavior feels like an attack to you, and
she was given the task you want.

The first thing you can do something about, and the second thing is not her fault, but your boss’s. I can’t speak to the triangulation issue as that is outside of my expertise. But I will share that it probably isn’t fair for you to blame the new girl for your boss’s poor communication and avoidance of her duty as your boss to be clear with you.

You can continue to try to avoid TNG, or you could practice advocating for yourself with her. The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn’t go well and you will be totally justified in seeking to avoid her.

I asked ChatGPT to help me with an example of what you might say (based on what you shared in your letter) or what you might put in writing to give to her. This is what it came up with.

“Hi! I’m on the autism spectrum, which means I process information and social interactions a bit differently from other people. I really appreciate clear, direct communication—things like being specific, saying what you mean, and avoiding sarcasm or vague hints. I also tend to be very introverted, so I can feel overwhelmed or drained in high-energy, fast-paced social settings or when interacting with very extroverted personalities. Slower-paced, one-on-one conversations help me stay grounded and engaged. I may need a bit of time to respond or ask for clarification, but I truly value connection and appreciate your patience and understanding.”

Of course this may be all wrong, but you get the gist. I got this idea from my daughter who had surgery on her vocal cords and couldn’t talk for an entire month. She created little note cards to help others understand and navigate her limitation. She would hand them out when she needed to interact with people, and they were very understanding and kind.

Finally, and I would never do this if you hadn’t shared that you are a devout Christian, I will remind you that Jesus spoke often about giving grace to others—through forgiveness, compassion, and mercy—even when it’s hard. While He didn’t often use the exact word grace, His teachings and actions were all about extending it. Jesus urged us to forgive generously:

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” (Matthew 18:21–22 NIV)

I in no way want to minimize the pain you have endured by pointing out that the real opportunity here is for you to practice and get better at advocating for yourself by explaining to people how you are different from them and teaching them how to get the best from you. It may be the hardest task you assign yourself, and you may spend the rest of your life mastering it. But the combination of giving people grace and getting good at helping them understand you will make an appreciable difference in all areas of your life.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I just have to tell you that I once had a job in a flower shop where I had to count the money in the register at the end of the day to make sure it matched the total on the register ticket and it was a nightmare, so your predicament strikes very close to my heart.

The only way I could do it was to close the shop and go in the back room and not let anyone talk to me until I got it right. My boss always wanted to chat during this time, and she could count and chat at the same time, so she called me an idiot. TO MY FACE! People still used that language in the 80s. I thought I was one, too, at some level. I barely made it through school because of math.

It turns out that I have a learning disability called dyscalculia, but nobody knew anything about that back then. I only mention it because I had a lot of mean teachers, some of whom accused me of being lazy or willfully stupid. Nevertheless, I managed to run my own business, get a master of science degree, and I now keep the books for my family. So, keep the faith!

About Madeleine

Not Sure When to Let Your Boss Know You’re Leaving? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 05 Apr 2025 11:44:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior leader in a highly specialized digital publishing organization and I have about 14 direct reports. Organizationally, I’m third in seniority. My plan is, by the end of 2025, to transition out of this role and into my own coaching and consulting business. I’d be working with some clients, but primarily in an adjacent field.

I am currently working on building up the coaching business on nights, weekends, and off hours. I’ve been able to grow what had been a side hustle into what looks to be a successful final chapter for me (I’m 60 years old) without it affecting my productivity in my current role. My boss is aware that I do this coaching and consulting work, but at this point he is not aware of my plan to transition into coaching full-time in early 2026.

My questions are: when is the appropriate time to tell my boss I’m planning to exit, and how do you recommend I share the news? I want to give him adequate lead time as I think this news will create some significant disruption, and I would like to be involved in handing off the baton to whomever is next to step into my role. But I don’t want to risk my boss overreacting and ending our relationship before I am ready to go.

Thanks for your wisdom. I just want to be—

Smart

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Smart,

First, congratulations on creating a successful side hustle while working full-time. That takes a lot of focus and energy, and it is a huge accomplishment. And welcome to the coaching profession. I hope it brings you all the fulfillment it has given me.

I am struck by how thoughtful you are about your transition out, as you clearly have the success of your company at heart. Your question is interesting on many levels, and it is hard to give you a definitive answer without knowing your company’s culture and your boss. But just the fact that you are concerned about what to me sounds like an irrational overreaction is a clue that your boss values loyalty over proper planning. So, not to be annoying, but as a coach you will recognize the approach: Given what you know, what advice would you give a friend in your position?

I have such a high value for clarity, communication, and planning that it’s hard for me to get my head around a boss who wouldn’t appreciate the heads up, welcome your help in preparing your successor, and wish you Godspeed when you are ready to go. In fact, most leaders I work with would appreciate knowing what someone they depend on is thinking about the future. But you do have concerns, and they come from somewhere, so I encourage you to heed them.

It is the norm in most companies to encourage senior leaders to create a succession plan and actively develop their successors. It doesn’t sound like that is true in your company, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still do exactly that. I urge you to identify any likely candidates among your 14-ish direct reports. Once you’ve got your short list, you might delegate parts of your job or assign these folks tasks that will ensure they learn and develop. At least one or two of them will show evidence that they can take on your job.

The rule of thumb for senior executives is 60 days’ notice—ideally, 90 days for a super smooth transition. If you are really worried that your boss will fly off the handle and retaliate, I would suggest that you wait until you are ready to go and offer a range of transition time from two weeks (which is standard) to 60 days. That way you take care of yourself, you don’t run the risk of being ejected before you are ready, and you can flex as needed if you are asked to craft a sensible transition. Be ready with recommendations and your supporting reasoning for likely replacements. That would be the sane, responsible thing to do, and you’ll be able to hold your head high no matter what happens. You may or may not get to participate in the passing of the baton—that will be up to your boss.

I wish you continued stamina and lots of luck in this next chapter you are creating.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Confused by a Direct Report’s Poor Performance? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 29 Mar 2025 11:48:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a fairly new manager, and I really like managing. My issue is that a young woman I hired a few years ago either cannot or will not meet expectations.

She excelled at the job during her six-month probationary period, and then went off a cliff. She has been on one performance plan after another. She often will improve in the area under scrutiny, but something else always suffers.

She seems to accept feedback and seems to be eminently clear about what needs to be done. She doesn’t miss meetings, but she just can’t seem to hit a deadline no matter how much support I offer or how much I have stressed the importance of the deadline.

It is confusing because she was so great at first. It is obvious that she can do the job. I can’t tell if she is simply lazy or maybe has personal problems she doesn’t feel comfortable mentioning.

It would be easy to simply let her go. The problem is that she has endeared herself to everyone on the team and many people across the organization. I know many people will be upset with me. I feel like I’m a failure and people will hate me.

Task Master

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Task Master,

It can be so confusing when someone provides credible evidence that they are able and willing to do a job only to stop performing for no apparent reason. I caution you against the impulse to use the L word. Not because it isn’t possible that your low performer (LP) might be lazy, but because she will intuit any judgment you have about her character—and it has probably already made her feel unsafe about telling you the truth about what is going on. So let’s start with giving LP the benefit of the doubt. It will vastly increase your chances of success here.

I think you have two challenges: the first is to pull out all the stops to get the bottom of what is going on, and the second is to stop trying to win a popularity contest. Let’s tackle them in order.

I know you say LP went off a cliff right after her probationary period ended, but there is a good chance that something else changed for LP at around that same time. We can speculate all day long, but you are never going to find out unless you set aside the time, explain what is at stake (her continued employment), and make sure she feels safe enough with you to be candid about what is going on.

The list of things that might be affecting LP includes but is not limited to the following:

Personal Issues

Health problems (mental or physical)
Family issues or caretaking responsibilities
Burnout or exhaustion—especially if she had been overperforming
Life changes—divorce, loss, moving, financial stress

Workplace-Related Issues

Conflict with coworkers or you
Feeling unrecognized or undervalued
Perceived unfairness (pay, promotions, workload)
Toxic work environment or sudden shift in culture
Micromanagement or loss of autonomy
Lack of challenge or feeling stuck

Motivational Drop

Loss of purpose or disconnection from the work
Mismatch between her values and company direction
Boredom or lack of growth opportunities
She checked out because she’s job hunting

Change in Role or Expectations

Role drift—maybe the job morphed into something she didn’t sign up for. Even a small change can be destabilizing.
Overload—expectations increased without support. These may have been so small that you thought they wouldn’t make a difference, and you may have even forgotten about them.
Poor communication about priorities or goals.

Leadership or Management Changes

New manager, new policies, or new direction could cause a shift in behavior, especially if trust was lost. This seems like unlikely based on your letter.

I am hoping this list gives you some ideas about what you might be missing.

Prepare carefully for your conversation: stick to questions, be open and curious, and refrain from being defensive or explaining your own position until you have brought all the issues to the table. Essentially, go into it ready to listen to learn something new. Once you have done that, your path forward will become clear.

Now. Let’s talk about your concern that people will hate you if you can’t find a way to help LP get back on track and you let her go. This is one of those things that makes being a manager so tricky: you are always balancing the needs of the organization, the needs of the team, and the need to create the best possible environment for each individual to thrive.

But here is a truth that may help: team members know when someone is a low performer. And as much as they may like the person, they inevitably will come to resent them. Why? Because our brains are wired to constantly look for and fight against unfairness. There is always that little voice in the back of our heads that wonders “Why am I killing myself over here when so-and-so is slacking off?” And when the manager of the team allows a low performer to get away with doing poor work, or not as much work as everyone else, the team members will eventually lose respect for the manager.

So if you do your due diligence, create a safe space to understand what is going on, use the information to help LP get back on track, and still can’t get her to where she needs to be, you must let her go. Some folks may be bummed about it but they probably won’t hate you. If you do it appropriately, are careful about how you share the news (meaning you don’t say anything derogatory about LP), and stick to the facts, people will almost certainly respect and appreciate the decision.

If it is any consolation, this kind of scenario is the bane of all managers no matter how experienced. You stand to learn an awful lot from it, painful though it may be.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

A Long-Time Direct Report Is Manipulating You? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 22 Mar 2025 10:45:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have owned a boutique specialty consulting firm for over twenty-five years. My founding partner died a few years ago and left me her share of the business, so I am the sole owner.

I am working with a broker to find the right buyer for the business. I don’t expect to get much for it, but we do have a small, dedicated clientele, a stellar reputation, and very little competition, so it should set me up with a reasonable retirement.

My problem is that I am being heavily pressured by an employee to include her in the proceeds of the sale. She started as our receptionist/administrative assistant and worked her way to being our office manager. She keeps dropping hints that she expects a share.

Over the years, she often asked to become a partner in the business but could not contribute investment funds—and, honestly, never brought enough value for us to seriously consider it. In fact, she has not been that great an employee. She has often taken leave for health reasons she declined to disclose and never presented doctor’s notes. She has had multiple dramas—a spouse with a serious gambling problem and wayward children who seem to need endless bailing out of one problem or another. She seems to be cursed with terrible cars that break down even when brand new. There is always an excuse for lateness, and poor task completion.

We provided her with many opportunities over the years to take on more responsibility (marketing or accounting duties, for example), but she always dodged them, claiming to be overwhelmed with her existing workload. Our attempts to gain clarity on said workload were met with stonewalling or diversions.

My partner and I often talked about letting her go and finding someone more reliable who might one day be a likely partner, but we always felt a little sorry for her. To complicate matters further, I really like her as a person—she is funny and fun and has a big heart.

I am simply not inclined to turn over a big chunk of cash when the business is sold, and I don’t know how to tell her. I am afraid she will quit and badmouth me all over town or even sabotage me in some way. I have asked a lot of smart people for their take but am on the fence about this. What are your thoughts?

Over a Barrel

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Over a Barrel,

Here is a principle I learned from our family business consultant, the Wharton Professor John Eldred: All relationships with employees start out as contractual and over time inevitably become emotional—especially for people who are relationship-oriented, which you undoubtedly are. I have had about twenty years to observe this principle play out in our own company and with many friends who have founded small businesses and many clients who work in even the largest of organizations. So, please forgive me in advance for what is going to sound cynical.

Your office manager (OM), who is clearly appealing enough to have made you override your rational assessment of countless breaches of trust, is manipulating you. She may or may not be aware of it, and ultimately it doesn’t really matter. There is a strong bond between the two of you, and you may even love her when it comes down to it. You know that she almost certainly needs the money. It is these feelings that are clouding your reason.

But here is the thing, Over a Barrel—unless your OM does something that adds an extraordinary amount of value in the last chapter of your consultancy (for example, she brings in the right buyer or prepares a compelling presentation deck that you couldn’t have done yourself), it doesn’t sound like you owe her anything other than a fair severance package. It doesn’t even sound like you could in good conscience provide her with a glowing recommendation, though I suspect you would if a potential employer were to call you.

The hinting is not acceptable, and you do not have to take the bait. Just smile when she does it—but don’t nod your head. She is poking you to find out what she can expect when you do sell, and the only thing you are responsible for is making sure she knows she will no longer have a job once you have sold. If you figure out how you want to handle severance pay, you can certainly share what she can expect. If you tell the truth about what you have already decided and properly manage her expectations, you are behaving ethically. Once the deal is done, you are certainly at liberty to give her whatever feels right to you.

If you spill the truth in advance, whatever bad behavior you anticipate will probably happen regardless of what you choose to do. From the sound of things, OM blames everyone but herself for anything in her life that goes awry. Whatever you do choose to give her won’t be enough. But again, anyone who knows the two of you will pay no heed to any bad-mouthing she does—because based on what you have said, I guarantee she has no credibility.

In The Power of Ethical Management, the book Ken Blanchard wrote with Norman Vincent Peale, they outline what they call “the ethics check.” It consists of three questions you can ask yourself to make sure you can live with your decision:

Is it legal?
Is it fair?
How will it make you feel about yourself?

In your case, employment laws where your business is based will dictate what is owed to employees when you sell or close your business. Then, based on your OM’s contribution to your success, what feels fair to you? And finally, how will you feel if you give in to the manipulation—resentful, perhaps? Or if you go scorched earth and share none of the bounty—guilty, perhaps? If people around town hear how you behaved, will you be able to hold your head high?

I wonder what the smart people you consulted advised. Presumably they have more insight into the situation, and I can only assume that they all think OM has been taking advantage of your good nature from the get-go.

Good luck with finding a buyer, and when the time comes, happy retirement!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Return to Office CEO Has Worn You Down? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 15 Mar 2025 10:13:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a global company that had a very flexible work-from-home policy before Covid happened. I have been managing hybrid teams for more than 20 years and have never had trouble with performance.

We got a new CEO last fall, and he has a very strong belief (despite all the research that says otherwise) that people simply don’t work as hard when they work from home. One of his opening moves was to institute a full-time return-to-office plan that started in January.

I’m lucky. I have always come in three days a week, and I have a short commute. But about half my people had just enough time to move back, or simply move, so they could keep their job. I had to replace people who didn’t want to move, or couldn’t, and we lost some excellent talent in the process. The disruption has been epic. It all feels like a waste of time, energy, and focus.

Now that everyone is getting into the groove of coming into the office, there is a new problem no one seems to have anticipated: We don’t have enough room for everyone! People are sharing offices and cubicles, which is tricky since almost everyone is on conference calls all day. There weren’t enough headsets to go around and people had to bring their personal ones from home. There aren’t nearly enough conference rooms, and if you have one reserved and someone else gets there before you, it is a standoff. People can’t hear themselves think.

There aren’t enough parking spaces, so people are late because they must drive around looking for a spot. There aren’t enough restrooms—people have mere minutes between meetings only to encounter a line, so many are forced to step out in the middle of meetings. The cafeteria was not remotely prepared to manage the volume, so lunch hours had to be staggered and regular meetings moved. Not only are we not more productive, we are way less so.

My boss has assured me that all of these issues are being worked on—but in the meantime, no flexibility has been offered to help alleviate them. Everyone, myself included, is in a constant state of annoyance. The whole policy has been an unmitigated disaster.

I just don’t know what to do. I hate inefficiency. I hate policies that are out of touch with reality. I hate to see my smart, hardworking people struggling with stupid rules. As a senior-level manager, I have taken great pride in walking the fine line between taking care of my people and supporting senior leadership, but I am really struggling to do that at this point. I have completely lost respect for the CEO, who is oblivious to reality and blathers on about how great it is to have everyone together. He thinks he appears tough, while everyone who works for the company seems to agree that he is just stupid. More to the point, my team’s morale has nosedived and I can’t do anything about it.

I have run out of the energy needed to hold the company line and not betray that I am 100% opposed to the way things are being handled. I feel like I can’t support my boss, who is cowardly and keeps acting like everything is fine, or the executive team he reports to—and it makes me feel like a traitor. I have headhunters calling me constantly and am starting to take their calls, but I feel like I would be letting my team down. Can you think of anything I could do to turn this around?

Done

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Done,

There is nothing quite as dispiriting as a new CEO who imposes new rules based on opinion versus facts and causes needless chaos for their people. It sounds like you had a good thing going and it has all been blown up. I do wonder how the whole company is doing, and if the new CEO is doing enough good things to offset this one really stupid thing.

Do I have any bright ideas for you? I wish I did. I read your letter several times, trying to spot a silver lining or creative ways you might approach the situation. You might check with your team and see what viable tactics come up—carpooling, bringing lunch from home, ways to share space that make sense. The bathroom situation is way beyond me. But I don’t think this is what you are looking for.

My suggestion is that you read what you wrote and ask yourself these questions: Whose permission do I need to find a better leader to work for? What is keeping me from finding a better situation—and taking my best people with me?

The principle here is that a leader is only a leader if people follow them. You feel like a traitor, but it doesn’t sound like your CEO has done anything to earn your loyalty. So, really—what is keeping you from voting with your feet?

Your team will be fine. One of them will probably be delighted to take your job. You won’t be betraying anyone or letting anyone down by remembering that the only people you owe anything to are yourself and a leader worthy of your respect that you choose to follow.

I could be totally off base here. If that is the case, it will probably have the effect of helping you see the silver lining and find the wherewithal to stay the course where you are. The key is that it will be a conscious choice and you won’t feel like a victim.

I wish you effective and efficient policies that make going to work and doing work fulfilling again.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Need to Interrupt the Downward Spiral? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 08 Mar 2025 11:38:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work in a company that directly supports several industries that have been affected by the changes that are being made in Washington—financial services, supply chain, manufacturing, etc. Many of our contracts have been put on hold, which is clear at least. In some cases, though, when we try to contact our partners to find out what is going on, we get no return calls or emails. We aren’t sure if people have been laid off or what services they are still expecting. The bills we sent them months ago are going unpaid.

My team is in chaos. Everyone is in a state of dread, expecting our entire business to fail. This seems even worse than COVID; I can’t put my finger on why, exactly. Some of my people’s spouses have been laid off from their jobs. One person lost her parents in that awful plane crash on the Potomac, which I know has nothing to do with the changes at work but it casts a pall. I do get how some people feel like the world is ending.

Thankfully, we still have plenty of work, but I can’t seem to get people to stay focused. How do I stop this spiral and help everyone get back on an even keel?

Negative Spiral

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Negative Spiral,

I am so, so sorry for the distress you and your people are going through. You are not alone—I have heard similar anguish from many people in many sectors. Big change is always destabilizing and scary. Our brains are not built to respond rationally to uncertainty.

I have a few ideas that may help, but first I will caution you to adjust your goal to “get people back on an even keel.” My Spidey sense tells me things are going to get more tumultuous before they settle, and whatever was an even keel (a.k.a. normal life) will end up being a new normal. My point is that, just as with COVID, it will take years for everyone who is affected by all the changes in regulations to find their footing.

As a leader, job one for you is to stay calm. Your people will take their cues from you, so if you can demonstrate that the sky is not, in fact, falling, that will help.

Another thing you can do is listen. Let people share their distress and help them brainstorm how they might respond to their misfortunes and changes in circumstance. You can’t fix anything for people, but you can listen with empathy and let them know you care. No one wants to hear “everything is going to be okay” until they have had a chance to share all the reasons they don’t believe it. You will find it takes more time than you want it to take, but you will immediately experience the value of it.

Perhaps your company has an Employee Assistance Program that your people can take advantage of. Many EAPs will provide at least some appointments with a therapist so that people can fully express their distress and potentially learn some coping strategies.

Finally, it may help if you share that despite the uncertainty with some contracts, there is still “plenty of work.” An approach I have seen to be very effective is when leaders share, clearly and succinctly:

What I know for sure (today);
What I believe will happen (based on experience); and
What I don’t know and we will all have to wait and see.

This is a slightly modified version of listing what is within our control, what is somewhat within our control that we might be able to influence, and what is most definitely outside our control. The “sphere of control” exercise might be a helpful framework for some of your most deeply affected folks.

It is much more likely that sailors will weather a storm when their captain appears to believe they all can. It sounds like you do believe your organization will be okay, so it can’t hurt to share that reassuring point of view with your people.

Finally, after every conversation in which you listen and reassure people, you can redirect their focus on what they can do in the next hour, today, and this week. Research shows that switching from ruminating, which can deepen and strengthen negative thoughts (and requires that the brain be in the default mode network), to focusing on and accomplishing a discrete task that requires full concentration (which requires the brain to be in the task positive network) interrupts the downward spiral. It’s because these modes are mutually exclusive—the brain cannot be in both modes at once. This is why, when we become paralyzed by our negative thoughts, it can help to simply make the bed or perform administrative tasks. There is a reason that humans often have the instinct to stay busy in the face of challenging and unpleasant emotions.

For the foreseeable future, it is possible that the best you can hope for is to help stop the spiraling and keep people at least semi-functional. Stay calm and optimistic yourself. Stay focused on what is working and what can be done.

You will be a hero.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Having Trouble Balancing Urgent Versus Important? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 01 Mar 2025 14:59:04 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people for over a decade and now manage several businesses. There are constant fires that need to be put out. I spend hours on the phone trying to get to the bottom of what the problems are. Sometimes, after I have put in time, it turns that what seemed like a huge issue just isn’t.

I can’t tell if this is just the job, or if I need to get better at identifying whether something is simply noise or a real problem that keeps us from meeting our deadlines. My biggest concern is that I will misjudge and let a critical issue slide.

How do other leaders deal with this?

Tempest in a Tea Pot

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Tempest in a Tea Pot

It is both: it’s the job and it’s something you need to get better at.

What you’re describing is a classic challenge for high-level managers: balancing urgent issues with truly important ones. Some problems feel massive but end up being inconsequential, while others sneak in as minor concerns and derail progress if left unaddressed. The people who master this aspect of leadership enjoy their work a lot more than those who don’t.

It sounds like you might benefit from implementing a structured approach for triaging issues more effectively. Here are some ideas:

Create a Decision Filter: Develop a reliable system for assessing the impact of a problem. Questions you might ask yourself include:

Will this problem directly affect revenue, compliance, or key deadlines?
Is it recurring or a one-time issue?
Does it require my input or can someone else handle it?
What is the worst-case scenario if it isn’t addressed right now?

Empower Your Team: If you’re spending too much time on the phone chasing down problems, it could mean your team isn’t equipped to handle certain issues independently. Possibly you have trained them to depend on you instead of requiring them to consider possible solutions before escalating to you. Consider implementing a clear escalation process where only specific, high-level concerns reach you.

Data-Driven Analysis: Keep a log of these fires. You may be able to identify patterns, which would point to certain processes that need refinement or proactive solutions.

Set Communication Protocols: Instead of reacting to every issue immediately, structure how your team communicates problems. For example:

Categorize issues (critical, important, low priority). Define exactly what needs to be escalated and what you expect your people to deal with on their own.
Have daily or weekly problem-solving huddles. This may help to develop a shared understanding and language for what is a real problem and what might be interpreted as a temporary inconvenience.
Require that your team members submit a written report before you agree to a meeting, so that you can see the full scope before reacting. Sometimes the discipline of having to explain a situation in writing can help the person identify a solution for themselves.

Time-Box Your Problem-Solving: Instead of getting dragged into long phone calls, set a limit; e.g., “Let’s discuss this for ten minutes. If needed, we’ll escalate further.”

If you have any peers you trust, it could help to ask them how they deal with this issue. You may get some great ideas that relate directly to your business.

This is definitely part of the job; but if you’re constantly firefighting, it might indicate that you need to stop allowing your folks to use you as a sounding board, duck responsibility, or be overly dramatic. As Ken Blanchard has said, “Leadership is what happens when you’re not around.” So the more you can train them to think things through, assess risk, weigh the options, develop a community of thought partners, and make good decisions without needing your help, the more you are developing your people.

I wish you smoother sailing!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Tired of Your Friend Complaining about “Entitled Workers?” Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 22 Feb 2025 11:35:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I thought you might weigh in on an ongoing debate I have with a friend. We met in college, have been working at different companies, and were promoted to management at about the same time.

He believes his direct reports are lazy and will do the bare minimum if he isn’t constantly breathing down their necks. He (a millennial) frequently complains about how entitled Gen Z’ers are. I am having a totally different experience. I see the people on my team as amazingly smart. They go the extra mile and sometimes they work even harder than they need to.

My company provides a lot of training to managers and unlimited access to tons of resources on management and leadership. My buddy’s company provides no training at all. I am pretty sure there is a connection here.

I don’t want to lord it over my friend, but I do think learning basic leadership techniques has helped me to get things off on the right foot and get the best from my people. I am convinced my friend’s negative attitude is part of the problem, but I hesitate to point that out to him. I am finding him less and less fun to hang out with and am getting tired of biting my tongue. I don’t want to become just one more thing he complains about.

He wasn’t always so doom and gloom. Maybe his direct reports really are awful. I just can’t help thinking he at least partially to blame for his predicament. But what do you think?

Biting My Tongue

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Biting My Tongue,

I think I hear a couple of different topics in your letter. The least direct one is “how does this happen?”, another is “do leaders affect workers motivation” and finally, “should I try to influence my friend?”

So—how does this happen? I think your friend’s attitude is the result of a combination of personal outlook, lack of curiosity, and working in an impoverished company culture. Research supports two arguments: a company that invests in its leadership will end up with better leaders, which results in an empowered, motivated workforce; and a company that promotes people because they are solid individual contributors (a standard, if misguided, norm)—without training them to be at least technically proficient managers—is going to end up with, well, people like your friend.

A culture in which people adopt a growth mindset and thrive doesn’t happen by accident. It takes a great deal of intention and relentless work. So the lack of training isn’t your friend’s fault—but neither is there anything keeping him from taking responsibility and seeking help on his own. I would submit that he has been ground down enough to invest in being a victim of circumstances, which, in turn, has contributed to the reality he is experiencing.

Which brings us to your friend’s general outlook. Most likely, your attitude about workers was fairly optimistic to begin with and has been further developed by good training. It is entirely possible that your friend might stick to his original attitude regardless of training opportunities. This difference in your attitudes is beautifully described in the work called Theory X and Theory Y. These contrasting theories, postulated by Douglas McGregor, represent different assumptions about employee motivation.

Theory X holds that employees dislike work and need strict supervision, while Theory Y assumes that employees are intrinsically motivated and seek responsibility, preferring a more participative approach. Anyone who takes on the responsibility of managing people will either consciously or unconsciously subscribe to one of these theories or the other and will treat their direct reports accordingly.

This is an old pair of theories, and many others have refuted or built on them since this work was first published. I only mention it because you seem to be a student of leadership, and it appears that you and your friend are operating on these exact diametrically opposed theories. You can enjoy a deep dive on this topic here.

You asked my opinion, so here it is: I don’t think anything involving human beings is ever that black or white, because each individual is different and will be motivated by vastly different things. I also know—because research shows it and I have observed evidence over 35 years of managing people—that a leader’s attitude toward their people 100% affects employee engagement.

So is your friend part of the problem? You know it. Is it common sense that if you believe people are untrustworthy, and treat them as if they are, they will know it and won’t even bother trying to prove you wrong? I think so. Your friend has produced a self-fulfilling prophecy and suffers from confirmation bias, which is when humans seek evidence for what they already think is true.

One theory I have been testing for over twenty years is one of Ken Blanchard’s most enduring ideas: everything will go better if we catch each other doing things right. Not that as the person in charge we shouldn’t re-direct when something isn’t right, but that the more we focus on what is working, the greater the chance people will be inclined to repeat the winning behavior. This is true of animals and people. The more we focus on the positive and expect the best from people, the more positive things will come to our attention. I am sure you have been seeing this as you continue to have success with your folks.

Should you try to influence your friend? I appreciate that you are tempted to show your friend the error of his ways, but also that (so far) you have the wisdom not to. My experience is that most people are not willing to change a mindset they have committed to—at least not until the misery they are causing themselves becomes unbearable. And, even then, many aren’t willing.

The more salient point may be hard to hear: you are going to have to either influence your friend or stop hanging out with him. Fond as you may be of your friend, being around him has become a bummer. You can suffer his company or you can tell him the truth: he is no fun, all he does is complain, and you don’t enjoy being around him. He will no doubt be insulted to the core and maybe won’t speak to you again. If, however, he trusts you and has the wherewithal to listen, you can ask him some questions:

What if there were a way to shift things so that work weren’t such a misery for you?
Do you really think your people are so different from you? Are you lazy, unmotivated, and entitled?
Do you remember how much the boomers complained about the millennials? How is Gen Z so different from us, and how might we capitalize on their strengths?

Maybe asking some decent questions—in essence, planting seeds for him to consider—will be just the ticket to get your friend to shift. Maybe not. Not all friendships last forever, and that’s okay.

I hope this provides food for thought.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Am I Working for a Toxic Leader? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 15 Feb 2025 12:19:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I read your last blog with interest. My boss and I have worked together for four years and, generally speaking, I have done well with her. She shows appreciation for my work and has been warm and supportive of my career aspirations.

However, there are moments when something she does or says puts me into a tailspin that takes me a long time to recover from. It often is an offhand comment. I have spent a fair amount of time talking colleagues off the ledge for the same thing.

We all put up with it because she is brilliant and we learn so much from her. She challenges us to do great work, which we are all proud of. But she is A LOT, and we never quite know what to expect from her.

We have nicknamed her “Toxy” and have made a game of finding examples of toxic leaders on IG and debating which kind she is. At times I have thought about seeking a job elsewhere, but I feel like I may be learning how to navigate her. Also, there are enough great things about the work and the company that make it worth staying.

I hope you can explain this phenomenon and advise me on what I might do to manage it even more effectively.

How Toxic Is Too Toxic?

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear How Toxic is Too Toxic?

First, thanks for making me laugh—your nickname for your boss is darkly funny. It’s also sad. I am sorry for you, your colleagues, and your boss.

I dedicated my first coaching company to helping creative geniuses, which included people with unusually high IQs and many others who were extraordinarily gifted in some way. One of the first things creative geniuses need to do is learn how the world looks to people who aren’t them. This can be an insurmountable challenge for some. When these people become leaders, they are often oblivious to the effect the combination of their personality, their high standards, and their increased power has over others. It can create a difficult environment.

Now let’s define toxic. When we talk about toxic leaders, we usually mean people who create a harmful, destructive, or abusive work environment. Toxic leaders tend to prioritize their own power, control, or personal gain over the well-being of their team or their organization.

It would actually be a lot easier if leaders who unwittingly create a difficult or even toxic environment were, indeed, 100% evil. Unfortunately, what is more often the case is the leader is simply 100% human—that is, flawed—and lacks awareness of their impact on others. To confuse matters further, a leader’s personality traits will be interpreted differently by each individual on their team. A boss who is perceived as a bully by one person might be perceived by another as simply tough. A boss who seems controlling to one person might be seen by another as caring a lot about accuracy or quality.

It sounds to me like your boss is mostly guilty of being inconsistent, unpredictable, and unconscious of how her behavior affects people.

There is a distinction here between an actual, full-fledged, toxic leader—someone who has consciously chosen to win at all costs no matter the collateral damage—and a flawed leader who inadvertently creates a toxic work environment.

Here are some common traits of a toxic leader:

Manipulative and self-serving: They use deception, favoritism, or power plays to maintain control.
Micromanaging and controlling: They don’t trust their employees and constantly interfere with their work.
Emotionally abusive: They belittle, humiliate, or gaslight employees. They remember mistakes and bring them up in perpetuity. They seek out ways to make others doubt themselves.
Blame-shifting: They refuse to be accountable and often scapegoat others.
Lacking empathy: They disregard the feelings, concerns, or professional growth of their team.
Playing favorites/nepotism: They reward loyalty over competence, which leads to unfair treatment.
Encouraging a toxic culture: They tolerate or even promote workplace bullying, competition, and fear.

Some examples of toxic leadership styles include but are not limited to:

The bully, who uses intimidation and fear to control employees.
The narcissist, who cares only about their own success and recognition and believes they are the only one whose feelings matter.
The incompetent leader, who has little knowledge, skills, or experience, but lacks the humility required to listen to others or learn anything new.
The workaholic martyr, who expects others to sacrifice work-life balance like they do, refuses to push back on unrealistic expectations from above, avoids responsibility for prioritizing (because everything is urgent), and behaves like a victim.
The passive-aggressive leader, who undermines employees subtly rather than addressing issues directly, and avoids giving useful feedback.
The unpredictably moody and explosive leader, who keeps everyone around them guessing about their emotional state, walking on eggshells, and avoiding interactions for fear of being ambushed.

So here is my question to you: do you think Toxy has any of these traits? Does her consistent style fit any of the profiles? If the answer is yes, encourage your teammates to keep records of inappropriate behavior or egregious incidents for eventual reporting to HR—and, of course, do the same yourself. You also may want to explore your options for another position.

If the environment Toxy has created still allows you to do your best work, there is a chance she isn’t truly toxic, just difficult. You may consider two specific things:

Learn to set boundaries. If something she does sends you into a tailspin, wait until you have calmed down and then tell her. Use “I” language; e.g.: “When this happens, it throws me for a loop.”

The keys to setting boundaries with anyone are:

Strike when the iron is cool. Meeting strong emotion with your own strong emotion will not yield the desired result.
Get clear on what you want.
State your request and describe it clearly and concisely.
Acknowledge the person when they meet your terms, or be ready to calmly point out when they don’t.

Next time you find yourself in a tailspin, try to figure out what triggered you and formulate a request to avoid such a trigger in the future. You may be able to help your boss understand the impact she has on you, which is possibly not her intention.

Practice taking nothing personally. It sounds like your boss throws everyone on the team off their game, so her behavior probably isn’t actually personal to you. She almost certainly does the same thing to her friends and family. This means it isn’t about you, it’s about her.

The best description of this truth can be found in the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. He says: “What others say and do is a reflection of their own reality, not yours.” If you feel yourself spinning out, ask yourself this question: “Am I taking this personally? And if I am, what might be different if I stopped doing that?”

This might be something you can help your teammates do as well.

So there you have it. Either your boss really is toxic—in which case, fight back, involve HR, and get out as soon as you can. If she is simply complicated and thorny, give her the benefit of the doubt and gently teach her how to get the best from you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

New Boss Is Playing Favorites? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 08 Feb 2025 16:34:10 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I’m dealing with a very weird situation. I’m on a large cross-functional team made up of leads and managers. Our leader is the new EVP of operational excellence. He seems to really like some of the members of the team and really dislike others. He regularly forgets to include the people he dislikes in critical meetings and decisions. He makes snarky remarks when someone he dislikes floats an idea, only to compliment the next person who says practically the same thing.

He has created a division between the liked people and the disliked people. It is subtle, and I’m not sure I would have noticed it if one of my best friends at work wasn’t on team reject. When she pointed it out, I couldn’t unsee it. I feel lucky to find myself in the in-group, but can also see how the situation is headed for disaster.

I lead teams myself and can’t understand what this new guy is up to, why he is doing this, or how he hopes to succeed. He also does other things that make no sense, but this particular thing is the worst of it.

What would you do in this situation? I am at a total loss.

So Confused

______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear So Confused,

Getting operational excellence right is hard enough without shenanigans like this. One trait of a toxic leader is to play favorites. It destabilizes teams by destroying trust. There is a good chance your new EVP is totally unconscious of what he is doing and the effect it is having. In my opinion, this is the behavior of someone who needs to have power over others and achieves it by keeping people nervous and jumpy. If he bullies some people and not others, it automatically creates a reflex in the not-bullied group to stay on his good side, and slowly silences everyone.

It sounds like this person is not your direct boss, nor the boss of your friend who has been relegated to the out-group, so it may not affect your performance review if this cross-functional team doesn’t accomplish anything. But that may not be true for your friend.

You have a few choices here, but none of them are attractive.

You can do nothing, which will inevitably impact the relationship with your friend.

You can get together with your friend and brainstorm what the two of you could do to change the situation. You might consider recruiting a few more team members from both the in-group and the out-group to engineer some kind of revolt. If you could manage to pull the whole team together, you could include HR to conduct an intervention of sorts. It would only work if the entire team was on board and unanimously demanded that everyone on the team be treated with respect.

You might consider going to the EVP and pointing out what you are observing—but that could be a career-ending move. People who need to have power over others usually aren’t keen to get feedback from anyone, especially not from someone they see as a subordinate. It depends on how much power he has and what kind of trust he has built with his peers and his superiors. Along those lines, you might practice standing up for people he is snarky with—but again, it’s possible all that will accomplish is to get yourself relegated to “team reject,” as you call it.

Look at the situation from all angles with as many of your team members as you trust. If a majority of the team agrees to stick together, you might have a chance to shift the ugly behavior. At the very least, you can probably ensure that nothing gets done, and let it reflect badly on the EVP. Does it appear that I’m condoning subversive behavior? I guess I am, because if people don’t stand up for themselves and each other, leaders like your EVP end up getting promoted and wreaking more havoc from an even stronger position.

Document every incident you remember and start keeping a running log of unacceptable behavior moving forward. This way, you will have a leg to stand on should the situation escalate. It would probably be up to your friend to take this whole mess to HR and to her boss. You might also mention the situation to your own boss, if you trust them.

The more you can get the team to stick together, the better chance you have of getting the EVP to change—or better yet, getting him removed.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

CEO Is Derailing Your Communication Plan for a Change Initiative? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 01 Feb 2025 12:49:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work in communications in a multi-national, publicly owned company. I report to our CHRO with a dotted line to marketing. My job is to make sure our messaging is consistent across all our countries.

Our CEO and his executive team recently rolled out a complex strategic vision for the next five years, which included a small but significant reorganization and some new plans. I created the initial coms plan, which my boss took to the executive team. They made a few tweaks and signed off on it. I was so proud of the plan—I used research about change management to create it.

The big vision and the plans were announced at a town hall meeting. It went fine. Some people were freaked out, but that was to be expected. The next week I delivered the follow-up script and deck to the executive team for the FAQ meeting that had been scheduled, only to be told it had been canceled and that I should reschedule it for a month out. I complied, only to have it canceled again. I asked what date might work and got crickets. I have had it on my 1×1 agenda every week, but my boss cancels often as there are always more pressing issues. In the meantime, the entire coms plan is now a full quarter behind. In my last meeting with my boss, he informed me that the CEO doesn’t really see what he is trying to make happen as a “change” and doesn’t see the need to continue focusing on it. Our CEO apparently said, “If we keep talking about it, it will just encourage people to complain more. I want people to just get on with it.”

I get multiple emails a day from department heads asking when the FAQs are going to be ready, along with other questions I don’t have answers to. It is not my place to send anything without my boss’s say so. I feel completely helpless to influence what is looking to me like a train headed off a cliff.

I have been working in companies long enough to know anything that’s different from the status quo is a change, and change needs to be managed carefully and supported with lots of information and conversation. How can I influence my boss to influence the CEO? I am so frustrated.

Helpless

_______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Helpless

Yours is not the first CEO to be a technically brilliant, gifted strategist who is utterly clueless about how humans operate. Nor is he the first who fails to listen to the people hired to help them accomplish their goals. Is it ego? Self-regard? Hubris? Who knows?

Your CHRO should know better than to allow what is certainly a huge change to go unmanaged. I hate to say it, but it is on his head if the whole thing flops miserably. Cold comfort, I know. But you did your job. You created the plan—it really is not your fault if it is ignored.

You must ask yourself what is within your control here. What if you were to suggest creating a site on the company’s intranet in which you can post the FAQs? Perhaps you could create an email address where people can send questions, just so you can show your boss that the problem is escalating. Instead of waiting for a 1×1, email him to suggest these things, and let him know that unless you hear otherwise, you will go ahead. That way, you take care of people who need answers and you have covered your tail in case your CEO gets upset. There is a good chance he won’t even notice.

Part of me wants to suggest that you write a letter to your CEO explaining that sharing suggestions for what he can do to vastly improve the chances that his people will “get on with it”. But I know in my heart that it will probably not result in anything positive for you. If you thought it had a chance of working, you would have already done that. Continue to surface the issue with your own boss until he tells you to stop. Maybe you could send him a letter outlining the best practices, with supporting research and statistics making the case that he could use with the CEO. But you must guard against being too attached to an outcome.

I am sure you have plenty of other work to do, so figure out what you can do without burning a bridge and let it go. If you continue to nurse your disappointment, it will only end up hurting you.

You might, of course, consider finding work at a company where the leadership is better and you think you can make an impact. There are some decent leaders out there—just not very many.

You can’t take it to heart when people in power refuse to listen to reason. Just do your best. That’s all you can do. Chalk it up to experience, try to find the humor, and move on.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Disappointed with Your Work Situation? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 25 Jan 2025 12:21:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I took some business and leadership courses in college and graduated with a degree in accounting. Last spring I got a job in the finance department of a mid-sized manufacturing company. I like the work and I am learning practical stuff.

What surprises me most is just how bad the management is. Not terrible, per se—just non-existent. Our CEO never talks to us and neither does our CFO. And my boss seldom tells me what he expects from me.

I am pretty scrappy. I’ve made friends in the department and I know who to go to for what, so I am figuring it out. We have team meetings, but there doesn’t seem to be a reason for them. We just talk about problems that come up and how to solve them. These meetings usually devolve into complaining sessions and feel like a waste of time.

My boss has told me to put time on his calendar to have one-on-one meetings with him. We have had a few, but they are awkward. He usually seems distracted and it is obvious his heart isn’t in it. He asks me how I’m doing and I use the time to ask questions. I have very little incentive to make these meetings happen. To be honest, I dread them and could easily find other ways to get the answers I need.

I can get my job done in about 30 hours a week and I’m toying with investing the other time in a side gig, although that doesn’t really feel right. I feel like I could and should be doing more here but I have no idea what it would be. I’m afraid if I were to surface this concern, my boss would pile on so much more work that it would stress me out.

I guess I thought leaders in businesses that do well would actually lead more. How can I get more value out of my current experience?

Disappointed

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

I appreciate how disappointing it is to have believed that out in the big wide world, professionals knew what they were doing. I, too, have suffered from this many times. The bald truth is that when companies do well, it is usually because their product or service is in high demand and the mechanics required to make it all work are barely adequate. More often than not, the long-term vision and strategy are left to chance and the people who make the organizations run are an afterthought, if they are thought of at all.

The question is: what do you do now? Your options are the standard three that we all have when any situation isn’t working for us.

1. Keep Things as They Are

You could maintain the status quo and just enjoy your extra time windfall. Is it dishonest to use time at work to do other things? Many managers feel that if the employee is getting their work done properly and on time, it’s all good. Others want to know if the person has the capacity to do more or different work. The signals your manager is sending you seem to be in the no-news-is-good-news category.

Another thought: there may be a cycle in the company that you aren’t aware of yet. Perhaps there is a busy season when everyone is slammed. There might be some wisdom in taking a wait-and-see approach.

2. Make an Effort to Change Things

This option involves a little more dedication, but might be good practice for the future. It would involve taking full responsibility for getting something out of your one-on-one meetings with your boss. Most people don’t realize the original idea behind one-on-ones is that they are for the employee and need to be driven by the employee. How? Write down what you think your goals, tasks, and commitments are. Keep a running record of everything you do between meetings as it relates to each goal, commitment, or task, so that you can update your boss on your progress. You may discover you aren’t doing everything your boss expects you to do. You may also discover you’re doing some things your boss doesn’t expect you to do, which may enhance his opinion of your performance. It may also provide context for the questions you ask. For more detail on how to supercharge your one-on-one meetings, you can find an e-book here.

All the effort you put into preparing for one-on-ones will provide both you and your boss much needed clarity—and will be especially useful when performance reviews roll around. This may shift how you and your boss are relating.

3. Leave the Situation

In my experience, when people jump ship without making sincere efforts to change the situation they are in, they end up with almost the exact situation in their next job. I am not saying this is all your fault, but you are part of the equation, so figuring out the part you are playing in the state of things can’t hurt.

If nothing changes, eventually you will get bored and it will be time to seek better leadership and more growth elsewhere. You’ll know when it is time.

I am sorry you are feeling disillusioned, but now you know the truth: people are, for the most part, just stumbling along trying not to screw up too badly. It is the rare human who sets sights on becoming a good person and a great leader, and it appears you might be one of them. So—YAY.

Keep on growing!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Need Ideas on How to Be a Better Leader? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 18 Jan 2025 13:11:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I was recently promoted from team lead to manager of a whole department. I am very good at the processes and systems piece, but worry that I am lacking the leadership piece.

I have a ton of books and have taken several courses, but now I am overwhelmed. If I were to work on just a few things this year to be a better leader, what should they be?

New Leader

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear New Leader,

It is overwhelming, isn’t it? I guess this makes sense, since becoming the best leader you can be is a lifelong endeavor. It is good that you have mastered the systems and process piece, because anything you decide to implement to be a great leader will become a part of those.

The question is always where to begin. It is tricky for me to try to tell you, because I don’t know what your strengths are or what needs work. I can only proceed with some of the qualities and behaviors that come up again and again when people talk about great leaders they’ve had, and recommend that you pick one or two to start with and go from there. You will have to define for yourself what it means to be a good leader and then build your skills and habits to reflect that. I define a leader as “one whom others choose to follow,” and that can mean so many different things.

Make sure everyone who works for you knows exactly what they are supposed to be doing, what a good job looks like, and what their priorities are. This sounds so obvious, but it is shocking how many people don’t really know what is expected of them at work.
Remember that you are the weather system for your department. Practice self-regulation to be consistent; don’t let your moods dictate how you respond to people. Your direct reports shouldn’t have to constantly observe you to figure out how to navigate how you are feeling at any given time.
Be fair. You will like some people more than others, but you can’t play favorites. Apply the same rules and values in the same way across the board.
Pay attention to people’s strengths and weaknesses so that you can vary their workload. Some things should be easy and fun, and others should provide a challenge.
When someone screws up, be kind, resist placing blame, and get to the bottom of where things went off track. Take full responsibility even if you think it wasn’t your fault. It will make your people feel like you have their back, and they will be more likely to come to you in the future before a mistake is made.
Build relationships with your peers and stay connected with everything that is going on in your organization so that you can be strategic when you need to. Pay attention to what others in your industry are doing so that you can keep your eye on the bigger picture.
Ask for feedback—what you can do more of, less of, or start or stop doing. Listen carefully when you get feedback, ask for more detail if you don’t understand it, or simply say thank you. You don’t always have to act on it, but at least you will know what works and doesn’t work, and with whom.
Tell the truth. I don’t mean you have to be brutally honest all the time, but don’t pretend someone has done a good job when they haven’t. Point out what worked, what didn’t, and how it can be improved upon. Don’t make promises you can’t or don’t intend to keep. And if you aren’t sure what to say, don’t say anything. It is impossible to take back something you wish you hadn’t said, but often possible to loop back around and say something you wish you had.
Be trustworthy: do your best, don’t gossip, pay attention to people, and show you care by being responsive and following up. It is much harder to regain trust once you have lost it, so do everything you can to build and maintain it. And this is hard, but try to remember to take nothing personally.

These are just a few ideas plucked out of a massive body of leadership research. Don’t try to implement all of these at once. Start with one that feels manageable and see how it goes. If you aren’t sure, just choose one at random.

You’ll get really good at one of these leadership dimensions, and then things will get more complex and you will have a chance to revisit and refine. It will feel never ending, because—it is. Good luck on your leadership journey!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Do I Really Need to Set a New Year’s Resolution? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 11 Jan 2025 13:24:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

It’s the new year. All my friends and colleagues are talking about New Year’s resolutions. I got nothin’.

I am plugging away at my work goals, but they don’t change much. I like my job. I am good at it. I am not gunning for a promotion. I go to the gym and eat right. I pay my bills. I stay in touch with my family. I like my friends, and we get together and have fun. I am fine with everything else in my life.

I am just questioning the obsession with constantly needing to set new goals to get better. Is it me? What am I missing?

Bah Humbug

____________________________________________________________________

Dear Bah Humbug,

You’re fine. You can give yourself permission to enjoy the life you have created for yourself, which sounds very nice, indeed.

This “New Year, New Me!” time of year is a chance for people who want a change to tap into the collective psychic energy for inspiration and motivation to do something difficult. Maybe it’s something they’ve tried to do in the past and haven’t had success with.

There is no law that says you have to be constantly improving starting the first week in January. You’ll know when you are ready for a change, and it might be in June of 2027.

My point is that it will be there for you when you are ready.

Love, Madeleine

PS: For those who are resolved to make change now, here’s some advice I gave an earlier reader: Not Sure about New Year’s Resolutions? Ask Madeleine

And for those focusing on work goals, check out some advice I shared in a recent article: From Vision to Achievement: How Clear Goals Drive Performance

About Madeleine

Ask Madeleine: The Top 5 of 2024

David Witt — Sat, 28 Dec 2024 11:49:00 +0000

2024 was certainly a time of change. Readers of Madeleine’s Advice for the Well-Intentioned Manager continued to adapt, grow, and improve their skills to bring out the best in others. From navigating hybrid work complexities to tackling burnout, Madeleine’s insight and practical advice made the road a little easier.

Here is a countdown of this year’s top five most-viewed columns. Madeleine will return on January 4 with a new year of questions—possibly yours?

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Working from Home and Feeling Left Out? Ask Madeleine

A remote worker reached out with a familiar concern: as the only remote team member, they felt left out of important conversations and worried their contributions were losing visibility. Madeleine’s advice? Be proactive—schedule regular check-ins, and suggest inclusive practices for your team.

Daily Back-to-Back Meetings Have You Fried? Ask Madeleine

“Help!” wrote a reader stuck in an endless cycle of meetings. Madeleine empathized, noting this is a common issue in today’s hybrid work environments. Her solution? A step-by-step plan to reassess priorities, block focused work time, and diplomatically decline unnecessary meetings.

m39, Essen, NRW, Deutschland, Business

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Not Sure How to Address Burnout? Ask Madeleine

Helping people cope with stressors is a good start, says Madeleine in her third most-read column of the year. But it is far preferable to address the origin of the stressors that cause burnout in the first place. Madeleine shares some recommended resources and strategies.

Naughty boy with his father businessman at office

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Hired the Boss’s Son? Ask Madeleine

Regretting a hiring decision? A reader sought advice after realizing the boss’s son might not have been the best fit for the team. Madeleine offered two pathways—depending on the reader’s level of influence and job security—to address the situation constructively.

Team Member Is Overusing PTO? Ask Madeleine

In 2024’s most-read column, a manager sought advice on handling a team member’s excessive PTO usage. Madeleine suggested a compassionate yet firm approach: initiate a conversation about the impact of their choices and explore ways to balance individual needs with team dynamics.

Do you have a question for Madeleine? Send an email to madeleine.blanchard@blanchard.com. Please note: although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each email personally. Questions will be edited for clarity and length.

Wishing you a Happy New Year filled with growth, connection, and success!

Not Sure How to Get Someone in Their Mid-40s to Stop Behaving Like a Child? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 21 Dec 2024 12:23:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I run a commercial retail real estate firm in a big city in the Midwest. We have some seasoned senior brokers, all of whom have done well working with junior brokers, training them while also benefiting from their help.

The model has worked really well, except in the case of one senior broker. He does very well financially, but has developed a reputation in town of not following through. Also, he sometimes fails to show up for meetings with landlords and even prospective renters.

He has gone through several junior brokers in quick succession because he treats them like trash and does not properly share commissions. He was a lot of fun our first ten years in business, but as the business has grown and we have all matured, he seemingly hasn’t grown up.

I am the owner of the business, but other than overseeing legal compliance and providing basic guidelines, I have been hands-off—not really a boss. I have pointed out some of this person’s more extreme behavior to him, but it is getting to the point of no return. Everyone knows everyone in our town, so people know his antics are not a reflection on me or my firm, but it is getting out of hand.

How do I get someone in their mid-40s to stop behaving like a child? I really need him as a senior broker to develop the juniors so that they want to stay and grow. And I need to stop the gossip about his partying and the impression that our entire firm is filled with people who are not serious about their profession. I should mention that he and I are longtime friends. He has been with me since the beginning, which complicates things.

Man-child Mayhem

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Man-child Mayhem,

It can be hard when you outgrow longtime friends—and when they work for you, it can make things downright impossible. I am struggling with finding a way to say what I want to say without offending you, so please forgive me in advance if I miss the mark. Here goes.

You need to face two essential truths:

You are the boss.
People don’t change until the cost of not changing becomes too high to bear. This applies to both you and Man-child.

Some food for thought based on these two truths:

You may not want to be the boss, but you are. The whole “not really the boss” thing can work as long as everybody behaves themselves, but not so much (as you are currently experiencing) when they don’t. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and that someone is going to be you. Again—you are the boss. The only way you are going to get the Man-child to grow up is to insist on it and enact appropriate consequences if he fails to comply.

There is a chance that he just doesn’t know how to be a grownup. If that is the case, you can give him very clear instructions on what is grownup behavior and what isn’t. And when I say clear, I mean literally put his dos and don’ts in writing so that you can pull up the document when you have to discuss it. Give him a few chances to get used to acting like a grownup at work.

If he does know but just doesn’t care, well, you have a choice. You can choose to tolerate the unacceptable or you can choose to part ways. If you need to part ways, you can certainly share that you hope not to lose the friendship—but you should be ready for that eventuality.

It is up to you. It is your business and your reputation on the line here. Way back when, people in your town were in the know and were able to separate the Man-child from you. But as you grow and he crosses paths with new people, they will absolutely wonder what kind of an operation you are running.

You have grown up—well, almost. You are suffering from the effects of not having completely grown up. Now is time for you to take full responsibility for your business or suffer the consequences. You know what you need from your people and you seem to be getting it from everyone but Man-child. You might consider taking it to the next level by checking out the work of Henry Cloud, an expert on boundaries. His book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships and Being Ridiculously in Charge might give you just the step-by-step direction you need to step fully into being a real boss.

Look, I hate making anyone comply with anything, so if you are having an allergic reaction to what I am saying, I get it. But part of being a grownup means accepting reality. And reality can be a harsh taskmaster.

Have the hard conversation. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Reward good behavior and do not, I repeat, do not look the other way when Man-child acts like an idiot. Give him a few chances and then—if he cannot or will not raise his standards—pull the plug exactly the way you said you would. Your business is at stake.

I’m sorry. I hope I am wrong about this. If you get a better idea from someone else, please share it with me.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Just Realized How Lonely You Are? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 14 Dec 2024 11:26:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a regional business unit for a global supply chain company. During the Covid lockdown everyone went remote, and the organization got rid of the office we had. I like working remotely. And it works well for my team for all the reasons people state: no one misses the commute, there’s much more flexibility to get things done at home, and you only have to be presentable from the waist up. The work part of my job is fine. What I have realized only recently, though, is that I am lonely.

I used to have lunch with coworkers, go out for drinks after work, and chat with people in the hallways. The small talk used to get on my nerves a bit when I was on a deadline, but now I have no small talk at all. Two of my good work friends transferred to regions in very different time zones, so staying connected with them has been a challenge as well.

The Covid shutdown was also the beginning of the end of my marriage. We had both traveled a lot for work and when we were forced to spend 24/7 together, it became clear that we were in denial about how incompatible we were. I started living alone about a year ago. Getting divorced was a relief, but what I didn’t anticipate was the effect it would have on my social life: all my friends are “coupled” and it doesn’t occur to them to include me in their plans. My very best friend just had twins so she literally has no time for herself—let alone for me.

I am an introvert, so doing the things I need to do to rebuild a network feels utterly beyond me. I am only in my mid-thirties and all I do is work, scroll Instagram, and binge Netflix shows. I never dreamed this would happen to me. I am feeling very stuck and sad. I would appreciate your thoughts.

Lonesome

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Lonesome,

I am sorry for how you are feeling right now. There is a little bit of a silver lining in that you have at least admitted to yourself the reality of what is going on and you’ve named how it makes you feel. That is a critical first step to making some changes. I think it may also be helpful to understand that the changes in your circumstances were gradual, and what you are now dealing with is the cumulative effect of that. None of this is your fault, Lonesome—it is simply the result of a whole bunch of events that were out of your control.

However.

You must—absolutely must—take action. I hear you when you say that rebuilding feels beyond you, but rebuilding is non-negotiable. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did it. Why? The research is clear: loneliness will impact your health. You can read Dr. Vivek H. Murthy’s paper, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation.” You will see immediately that you are not alone. The effects of the Covid-19 started a snowballing of isolation that has caught many off guard. It might also be helpful to pinpoint exactly what feels beyond you, so that you can identify what feels doable. If absolutely nothing feels doable, you might consider talking to a medical professional to address what might be mild depression. That would certainly make sense, given what you have been through. This tip is, of course, outside my expertise—but if it resonates with you, there might be something to it.

What to do? Dr. Murthy makes some broad recommendations on pg. 66 of his paper, but I can also share some ideas that came to mind when I read your letter.

Start with what you already have:

If there is no time for small talk online, set up time with coworkers nearby to meet in person. Meet at a coffee shop to work on a specific project. Have regular one-on-ones with your direct reports in person once a month—again, meet at a coffee shop or find an outdoor space if you live in a warm climate. Plan dinners with coworkers. I know social time used to be spontaneous, but now you will have to plan it ahead. If you are worried that you have all lost the skill of small talk, bring along a list of questions to get things going. Rely on your management skill and manifest some get-togethers with people who only see each other online. This is crucial to your well-being—and there is a good chance you aren’t the only one suffering, so, as a leader, it is also the best thing you can do for your people.
You still have good work friends. Don’t let the time-zone thing deter you. Friendships are precious, and the only way to maintain them is to make the effort.
Assuming your ex didn’t get custody of all your “coupled” friends, get in touch with the ones you liked. Let them know you are ready to socialize again and would love to be included in whatever social plans they are making. Pick up your phone and use it for what it was originally intended for—talking to people. Text them, at the very least. You have been out of sight, so you have been out of mind, and that is something you can change. There is no law that says couples can only hang with other couples.
Your BFF has twins? I guarantee she is as lonely as you are. There is nothing as isolating as being at home with babies. Stop by with dinner. Offer to go to her house and hold one of the babies so that she can have one-on-one time with the other one. Go over and help with bathtime. Get her out for a walk with the stroller—it is so much easier to do with two people in case one of the babies melts down or they both do at the same time. If all she can talk about is baby stuff, so what? Smile, nod, and slap an interested look on your face, even if you are bored to tears. I had my first kid long before any of my friends did, and the only friends I still have thirty-five years later are the ones who went out of their way to accommodate my new circumstances. I am forever grateful to them.

Once you have done a few of the above things, you can cast a wider net.

Adopt a pet. If that feels like too much, but you like dogs, go to your local shelter and volunteer to walk one.
Find a way to volunteer for a cause that matters to you or a great need in your community that you can help address. Something that gets you out of your house. There is nothing like being in service to others to get your mind off yourself.
Join a gym—or if you are allergic to gyms, make yourself go for a walk everyday. Just getting outdoors, having a little sun on your face, will change your outlook. At the very least, it will get you off your phone and your couch. If you like to hike, find a meetup near you to join like-minded others. Or use Meetup to find people who share any other interest you may have.
If you are a reader, find or start a book group. If you are a cook, start a cooking club.

Start small, Lonesome. Try forcing yourself to do one thing a week for the first month, then two things a week, until you get to three things a week. Experiment! Not everything will be a smashing success, but you will learn, tweak as you go, and clarify what works well.

This will be hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, but there isn’t. You are at the mercy of Newton’s first law, otherwise known as inertia, which states that an object will remain at rest or in motion unless an external force acts upon it. Objects at rest will stay at rest; objects in motion will stay in motion. It takes a big charge of energy to change your state of inertia, so you will have to apply some will to change it. You will have moments when you want to cancel; when you would much prefer to stay home in your jammies. You will 100% be uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay.

Discomfort won’t kill you, but loneliness will. Get to work. Today.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure Your Luckiness Can Last? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 07 Dec 2024 14:30:24 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am in a quandary. It may sound dumb to you, but I am interested to hear your thoughts.

I am in my mid-twenties and have been blessed with what seems to be almost incredible luck. I am smart enough, and came wired with a lot of stamina, a strong work ethic, a sunny outlook, and an ability to get along with almost anyone.

I am half Puerto Rican, but most people automatically think I am white. I have the advantage of being a minority when it serves me, but haven’t suffered from discrimination other than the kind that comes with being female—and, to tell the truth, even that hasn’t held me back. I grew up with two very decent parents, surrounded by lots of family, and went to an adequate public school where I got a good education. I was able to take advantage of affirmative action to get myself into a top college with solid financial aid and a work study job I liked. I got into an excellent grad school program, also with financial aid.

Now I have a job I love with a boss who cares about me in an organization that I respect. I have groups of friends whom I love and who love me.

What’s the problem, you’re wondering? Well—there isn’t one. I feel like everyone I meet that is my age has problems—childhood trauma, discrimination, mental illness, terrible parents, bullying—the list goes on and on. I feel boring. I wonder what I did to deserve so much luck. I am actually beginning to think it is going to run out at some point, and I’m waiting for that shoe to drop.

Don’t get me wrong, I have worked very hard and have had to overcome some challenges. It hasn’t all been easy. Do you think I’m nuts to worry?

Just Lucky

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Just Lucky,

You’re not nuts. But you need to cut it out, mainly because worrying never helped anyone or anything. Stop worrying before it becomes a habit and you are as anxious and/or depressed as everyone around you. You came into this life with everything you needed to make the best of it, and you have done exactly that. You have indeed been lucky.

What did you do to deserve so much luck? Well, that’s one of the great existential questions, isn’t it? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to terrible people? How does who deserves what get decided? Entire disciplines are devoted to answering those questions—philosophy, religious studies, all of the arts. I have come close to formulating answers for myself, but I don’t think my answers are what you are looking for. In fact, I don’t think anyone can answer them for you, and I would recommend that you run away from anyone who claims to have the answers. At the risk of offending those who are certain of “The Truth,” I encourage you to be suspicious of anyone who professes to know it.

There might be some value in examining the language in play here. What does it even mean to “have luck”? Or to “be lucky”? Research shows it is definitely good fortune to come into the world with kind and happy parents, but you and I both know that plenty of people do not see the value in that good fortune. And plenty of people who are born into disastrous circumstances find ways to rise above them. One might say lucky people cultivate a particular skill in noticing and then taking advantage of opportunities. And lucky people work hard to be prepared for the moment opportunity presents itself. And lucky people use good judgment about whom they take advice from. I suspect you have done all of the above.

You can also examine what it means to “deserve.” The most common usage expresses that someone has earned or been given something because of something they have done or because they have certain qualities. This usage implies that the world is fair, and we all know that isn’t true. Another usage implies that to deserve good fortune, one should be worthy of it. This requires that we have a good answer for what it means to be worthy. That, of course, depends entirely on who you ask, so that might be an interesting research project.

In the end, you will have to decide what it means to you. What would it mean to be worthy of your good fortune? I have spent most of my adult life defining that for myself, and am happy to share it with you, even as I caution you to simply add it to all the answers you get in your quest and come to your own conclusion.

In my opinion, to be worthy means to put a great deal of thought into how one can be a contribution to the world, to leave every interaction or situation the better for you having been a part of it. It is that simple, and of course, on many days, that difficult.

One person who has interesting and useful things to say about how “lucky” people are a force for good in the world is Jennifer Brown. Her body of work focuses on how those with privilege can advocate for and be allies of people who have less of it. This can be a wonderful way to share one’s good fortune. But let me be clear, this is not to imply obligation. Succumbing to others’ ideas of how you should go about being worthy is a recipe for disaster.

Another source of good sense to tap is the work of Don Miguel Ruiz in his book The Four Agreements. Based on ancient Toltec wisdom, Ruiz offers a code of conduct that is hard to argue with:

Be impeccable with your word.
Don’t take anything personally.
Don’t make assumptions.
Always do your best.

Simple, right? But, given our confounding human nature, not always easy. I have been testing these four practices since the book was published in 1997 and they have never steered me wrong.

Your luck is not going to run out, JL. Lucky doesn’t mean that you get to avoid difficulty and problems. Lucky means that when difficulty and problems crop up, you will face them with your stamina, your work ethic, and your sunny outlook and you will be able enlist help from people who care about you. Will difficult things happen that are outside of your control? Undoubtedly. That is just life. But you will figure out the best way to respond when those things happen, because that’s just who you are, and nothing will change that. Don’t go looking for problems because you feel boring. You aren’t boring. You have entirely too much zest for life to be boring. Plenty of problems will come your way naturally, and when they do, you will be prepared.

You are asking the right questions, JL. Keep asking, keep searching, talk to people you respect and admire, find your own answers, and enjoy the heck out of being you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

People Are Holding Back During Innovation Meetings? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Tue, 03 Dec 2024 21:13:40 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a supervisor and team leader in a technology company. We have several products on the market that are doing well. All my projects are in new products—a combination of market research and product testing; and all my teams are cross-functional—project management, software developers, marketing and customer support, and designers. The timelines for going to market keep shrinking and the demand to get high-quality products to the testing stage (i.e., in perfect condition) keeps growing.

I have noticed a shift in my teams. People are getting quieter in meetings, though the volume of general grumbling is growing. I finally asked someone I trust if they have noticed it, and she told me that people have developed a fear of speaking up.

When I asked her opinion about why this is happening, she wasn’t able to point to one thing. I think it may be the constant pressure to get new products to market faster—because to innovate, we have to experiment and make mistakes.

I have spoken to my boss about it and he said the only solution is to innovate faster. I get that, but I also know that getting new things right takes the time it takes. I’m not at all sure what to do to get us back into the rhythm that always worked well before.

I would appreciate any ideas you have.

Faster & Smarter

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Faster & Smarter,

Well, something happened. Is this all your teams? Something is off here. This doesn’t sound like a response to the constant “better, faster, cheaper” refrain that anyone working in business is now accustomed to. People don’t disappear like snails into their shells for no reason.

Your people are acting as if they feel threatened. You can waste a lot of time and energy speculating about what it is, or you can come right out and ask them. Britney Cole, our chief innovation officer, says that Enemy #1 of innovation is fear, so getting to bottom of what people are afraid of is one possible avenue for you. Either they are afraid of something you haven’t registered, or they are afraid of you.

You can meet with each whole team or with individual people, share your observation that something has changed, and simply ask questions:

Did something happen that I am unaware of?
What am I missing here?
Is there something I have done or said that has made an impact I did not intend?
Is there something that someone else has done or said that has resulted in people feeling uncomfortable or unsafe?
Is there something you think I should know about?

Our Fearless Innovation program proposes that leading innovation calls for grace, curiosity, and proactivity, and that the environment as a whole needs to support innovation. Your investigation will reveal that there is something you can do to be a more effective leader, or that there is messaging/feedback from the organization that is causing the dampened spirits.

This article about leading innovation might spark some ideas for you and help you shape more targeted questions. And here is an eBook that details the factors that encourage innovation in organizations.

You may not like what you discover. Either you will hear something about yourself that you need to work on or you will see a larger pattern in the organization that will require you to step up and advocate for your teams. Hopefully, you will uncover enough intel to help you craft a plan to increase the sense of safety and trust and get your teams back on track.

It will take a lot of grace and curiosity. It will require action on your part, which will require grit and courage. If your team sees you being proactive and speaking up, it will give them permission to do the same. And hopefully that will help you all get your groove back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Being Really Smart Is Also Making You Really Annoying? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 23 Nov 2024 11:45:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I don’t quite know how to say this without sounding like a total jerk, but I am really, really smart. It was useful getting through school—I got the highest possible scores on standardized tests without even trying. I have an almost photographic memory, and forget nothing. I got through college in three years and now have a great job in finance and data analysis while going to grad school for data science.

My problem: nobody listens to me.

There are ways we do things that could be done much more easily. There are computer shortcuts nobody here seems to know about that could speed things up. All my coworkers call me “the kid” and tease me constantly about being a know-it-all. All I am trying to do is help them get their work done faster. We have several software systems, but only three of these would be necessary to achieve everything we need. Apparently, no one understood the capabilities of what we already had when they were trying to figure out how to accomplish something new that was needed.

I have tried to share several thoughts with my boss—but he has no time for me and usually has no idea what I am talking about. He has made it clear that I am annoying him.

I am not such an out-of-touch brainiac that I don’t know I need to somehow improve my emotional intelligence. I’ve heard that feedback my whole life. But I am not sure where to start.

I was hoping you could point me in the right direction.

Smarty Pants

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Smarty Pants,

It can be so shocking to find out that smart, highly functional adults can blithely ignore inefficiencies and outdated processes. It is common, so much more than you’d think, until you become aware of myriad ways attention gets hijacked by the way our brains work.

There are so many cognitive biases you are up against trying to get people to make changes that seem like straightforward common sense. As human beings:

We have a strong tendency to focus on getting things done by completing things we’ve invested time and energy in.
We maintain focus by favoring the immediate, relatable thing in front of us, and deferring to doing things the way we already know works.
We notice details that confirm our own existing beliefs.

And that is just for starters. To learn more about the way unconscious cognitive biases affect behavior, you can find a beautifully organized, in-depth map of them here.

I will caution you ahead of time to not use your extraordinary recall to tell people the bias they are suffering from at any given moment, because it will not win you any friends.

I think there are two courses of action here. The first is to learn the basics of emotional intelligence, which I guarantee will serve you well for the rest of your life. The second is to create a plan to apply what you have learned to the situation you are currently in.

The resource to start with to learn more about Emotional Intelligence is Daniel Goleman’s seminal book Emotional Intelligence: Why it Can Matter More than IQ. Goleman’s research outlines exactly why you have received the feedback you have—it is because high IQ and a practically perfect memory will get you so far and no further. His framework makes good sense, as there are skills you need to build your own EIQ that first involve increasing self-awareness and learning how to regulate oneself, then building awareness of others, and then getting better at moderating your own behavior to effectively communicate with people. This is the primer to start with—don’t let the fact that it was published in 2005 deter you.

Once you have laid the groundwork, you will be ready for the advanced course. There are so many great books on influencing others, but my favorites come from Craig Weber. Craig’s approach zeroes in on how to get better at engaging people in conversation by being curious about what they are thinking and then sharing your own thoughts in a way that others will be open to. His methods work for people who struggle with a lack of confidence and shyness as well as people who suffer from alienating others by being the smartest person in the room. His first book will help you to have better conversations, and his second will help you to influence people.

In the end, Smarty Pants, no one is so smart that they are going to accomplish great things by themselves. Not even you. It just doesn’t work that way. But for someone as smart as you are, who can engage the brilliance of others as well, the possibilities are infinite. You won’t be called “the kid” forever—time will take care of that. And as you practice your new skills, people will stop finding you annoying and calling you a know-it-all.

I have heard it said that navigating humans isn’t rocket science and I agree, because it is actually much harder. Humans should only be as straightforward as math and physics. But there are some rules you can learn that will make navigating them more manageable.

Your towering intelligence is a great gift, and, like all gifts, it is a double-edged sword. And you are experiencing its shadow side. I am confident that if you apply your smarts to expanding your awareness of yourself and others, and learn new skills, there will be no stopping you.

Good luck!

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Trouble Managing a Resentful Team? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 16 Nov 2024 13:33:32 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I think I have a generational disconnect going on. I am a millennial (though I was born in 1981, so many people think I am GenX) and I supervise a lot of young people right out of college—classic GenZ people.

I am really struggling with this notion of privilege. When I was a kid, privileged basically meant people who had special advantages and tended to be oblivious about how much easier that made their lives, and how easily opportunities fell into their laps. To me, anyway, it almost always meant wealth.

Now, however, the term privilege seems to be used pejoratively about anyone who has something that somebody else doesn’t have. I feel like the young people I supervise are always looking around for things they see as unfair or offensive.

Just last week, I was explaining that a big project had gone to another group. Someone said the reason we didn’t get it was that the other group’s supervisor has a friend on the executive team. I replied that the choice was made because it is a global project and the other team has a lot more members on the East Coast, which makes the multiple time zones easier to manage. Some people seemed mollified, but others doubled down on their discontent.

My point here is: who cares? There are plenty of projects to go around, and there is no value whatsoever in investing in the whys and wherefores of how decisions get made. I don’t understand the knee-jerk reaction to assume that when someone else gets an opportunity you wanted, it is for a nefarious reason. It seems as if young people automatically assume the game is rigged and they will always be on the losing end.

I keep reiterating the only thing that matters is that we work hard, stay out of trouble, and produce good work. At least in our organization, my experience tells me we are created equal. If we strive to be competent and keep our commitments, that’s what matters.

Am I simply from a generation that is overly optimistic? What am I missing here?

Gen Z Confusion

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Gen Z Confusion,

There is a lot to unpack here: generational differences, notions about privilege, taking offense from—well—pretty much everything. I started doing some research on all of it, went down a massive rabbit hole, and got myself in a muddle. Then, to reboot my brain, I read your letter about five more times. Here is what I have for you.

I don’t think this is a generational difference. I don’t think this is about privilege. I think what you are dealing with are some individuals in your group who have developed the habit of looking for stuff to rail against. This habit is not limited to any one generation. It has probably been part of the human condition since the advent of Homo habilis—roughly 2.8 million years. For every innovative early man celebrated for figuring out how to use a stone as a new tool, you can bet there was someone throwing shade. This insidious habit is a little like pinkeye—extremely contagious and just as nasty.

This might help you better understand what you are dealing with: the behavior you are experiencing is resentment. Brené Brown (whom my colleagues and I call “Auntie Brené” because she is such a font of wisdom) says this about it:

“Resentment is the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.”

Atlas of the Heart, pg. 33

Some of your people are putting a lot of energy into pointing out the ways life isn’t fair. There are definitely those who will swear this is a defining feature of Gen Z, but I can attest that plenty of Boomers did it. It may be more common among the young. As people get older, they tend to develop some equanimity around the sad truth that life is not fair and learn to get on with things. At least the lucky ones do.

The question is: what can you do about it? The key is to identify the people who are infecting the whole crew and keep them from doing it.

You might start with a candid conversation with each of them, individually. As you prepare, there might be some value in understanding the part you play in the dynamic. I understand your question “Who cares?” means you don’t really care and you don’t think anyone else should, either. It is a valid point, and you are the boss, but being right isn’t going to help you here. The more you resist caring, the more resistance you will get from people who think you should care. So step one is to get curious.

You can start with some questions to better understand the grievers’ grievances. They may have some valid ones—and you might find yourself caring more than you expected to. Even if that isn’t the case, simply listening can be perceived as caring and can often diffuse negative feelings. Questions you might ask are:

Do you think there is a lot that goes on around here that is unfair or unjust?
How does this affect you in your day-to-day work?
What do you think can be done about it?
Do you think you should be getting more of something (choice projects, pay, time off, influence) that you are not getting? How might I support you in getting it?
Do you think there is anything within my control that I should be doing something about?
Do you see how your focusing on perceived unfairness might not be useful in group settings?
What might be different if you focused on what is working well for the team instead of what isn’t?

This conversation alone may change the dynamic. If it doesn’t, you can make a request. Ask the most vocal grumblers to stay focused on the positive and keep their complaints limited to conversations with you so that you can troubleshoot them together.

You can also share with your entire team that you have noticed a tendency to over-focus on real or potential negatives, which bogs everything down, and you would like to experiment with how to shift it. You probably aren’t the only one to notice this tendency. You might be surprised by ideas generated by others on the team.

Consider working together to come up with a shared vision and credo for the team. It would be made up of the possibility of excellence and the team’s shared values—essentially what everyone on the team thinks is most important in terms of working well together, doing the best possible job at any given time, and what makes the team especially valuable to the organization. There might be someone on your HR or Learning and Development team who can help you conduct a workshop to do this. If you are on your own, you will find some guidance here. When the whole team has agreed on what behaviors are out of bounds, there is a much better chance you won’t be the only one having to shut down behavior that derails conversations.

Your best bet is to stop worrying about labels and treat each person on your team as an individual with a world view informed by their beliefs and experiences. Meet each person where they are. Influence them by role-modeling fairness, caring, and using any privilege you may have to advocate for those who don’t have it.

You may just win over the doom-and-gloomers to the sunny side of the street.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.

Mature Start-up Running Out of Gas? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 09 Nov 2024 11:22:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am the COO and founder of what is now being called a “mature” startup. We have been around for 12 years but have not yet exceeded 100 employees or reached our revenue or valuation goals. The company still feels like a startup because we have been experimenting with our business model and the pace of innovation, and the constant pivots are relentless.

Some of our business leaders are tired of it. They are expressing attitudes that are not helpful, such as “If we were going to make it, we’d have made it by now,” or “What’s wrong with things the way they are? We seem to be doing fine.”

We are fine, but we have not achieved our full potential—nor are we as profitable as we need to be to attract investors. My original business partner, who is our CEO, has recently taken a leave of absence to deal with a family matter. He was exhausted. The last few years have been a slog and Covid was a massive setback for us. It seemed like the right time for him to take a break.

I am covering for him and struggling with the Eeyore-like outlook among some of my key people. I’ve been working on finding ways to inspire them. We put a lot more focus on self-care than any other startup I know. I’ve given feedback to some who are resistant to change and to what feels (to them) like risky ideas. It does not seem to be making a difference.

I still know in my heart that we are going to figure things out and break through, but I need everyone to be all in for this last push. How do I get my leaders on board?

Just About There

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Just About There,

I’m a battle-worn veteran of a couple of startups myself—and now that I am nearing the last phase of my own career, your situation only confirms to me that startups are best suited for the young. I say this not to discriminate, but simply to point out that when the slog goes on for longer than anyone wants or expects, it can be hard to hold on to the giddy, cockeyed optimism required to stay in the game. The relentless pace of change can be exhausting, and you are going to need to find a way to tap into some of that initial startup energy you had at the beginning if you want to reach your goals.

I have a couple of ideas for you.

Pay attention. Ask your people what specific concerns they have and listen in a way that makes them feel heard. I recently heard someone say “Clear communication is the oil that reduces the friction of living.” If your key people are turning into Eeyores (for the uninitiated, Eeyore is a character in the Winnie the Pooh stories who is depicted as having a bleak outlook on life), they probably need some attention. You may remember that Eeyore’s catch phrase is “Thanks for noticing me.” I wonder sometimes if leaders are afraid that listening and acknowledging people’s concerns means you have to do something about those concerns, when, in fact, simply listening often can make all the difference. You may think you are a good listener, and you probably are when you aren’t worn down by resistance. So if you want some technical tips on how to listen, you can find some here. For tips on managing constant innovation and change, you can access an excellent webinar here.
Tap into personal motivations. It sounds like your leaders have run out of steam. There were specific things that drove them at the beginning, and anything you can do to help them get back in touch with those drivers will help. Maybe it was the promise of a big payout, or the ability to make an impact in the world, or the desire to be part of something cool and sexy. Whatever it was, help them remember it. Or maybe what matters to them has changed. If they are not going to be able to find it in their current role, it could be time for them to find another place that suits them better.
Reclarify and rearticulate the vision. You and your partner had a big vision when you started. It is normal to assume that everyone has heard it and doesn’t need to hear it again, but that is incorrect. People need to be reminded of the big fat WHY all the time. It gets buried under the rough and tumble of the day-to-day slog. So dig for buried treasure, find the stories that will inspire, and tell them a lot more than you think you need to. This will undoubtedly bore you, because the vision is still so clear to you that you forget it is not as clear to others. Do it anyway.
Stop giving feedback and start making clear requests. Feedback is tricky. We think if we do everything right when we give feedback, people will hear it, internalize it, and do something about it. That simply is not true. If you want your leaders to do things differently, you have to make a direct request. It needs to be crystal clear so that you don’t run the risk of it sounding like a suggestion. It is a request. For example: “Even if you disagree with the strategy, I need you to commit to supporting it and to make sure your team knows that you support it—even if you have your doubts.” You can point out specific dos and don’ts if you have examples. The kind of clarity you achieve with a direct request will help your leaders decide if they can commit or if they need to leave. This, of course, means some people may leave. But all you have is your people, and if your leaders aren’t with you, you need to replace them with leaders who are. This is harsh, I know. But it is true.
Catch people doing things right. This is a classic bit of genius from Ken Blanchard and there is literally no situation in which it doesn’t apply. At the end of a long, grueling journey, it can be easy to pounce on every little thing that isn’t perfect. This can lead to an over-focus on pointing out what’s going wrong at the costly expense of directing focus on what is going right. You must make everyone feel that they are winning, even if it isn’t as fast or as evident as you would like.

It really does all rest on your shoulders, my friend. That is what leadership is. If it all goes sideways, everyone will blame you. And if you pull it off, you won’t get nearly the credit you deserve. If everyone could do it, everyone would be doing it, but it is the rare soul who has what it takes.

Put on your listening ears, share the inspiration, find and call out the best in people, and pray the gods will smile upon your efforts. Good luck to you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure if You Should Take That New Job? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 02 Nov 2024 10:29:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I think I know the answer to this, but I thought I would just check my thinking. I work in the arts and have been an assistant to many executive directors. My experience is that once people get into that job they never leave, even when they should.

I have been in my current position for a long time, and I have been promised that I will be offered the executive director role in about eighteen months. In the meantime, I have been interviewing for other opportunities and was just offered an executive director position at another institution.

I would prefer to stay where I am. I love the people where I work and am familiar with the requirements of the institution. Moving to a new place would involve a steep learning curve, but it would also be an opportunity for a fresh start.

What do you think?

Torn

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Torn,

I think you know the answer. Every single person who just read your letter knows the answer.

Because you know that an actual job offer and signed contract is different from a promise of something in “about eighteen months.”
Because anything could happen, and promises are broken a schmillion times a day. Your current executive director could decide to delay retirement. The board could decide to open a search for a candidate. The job could go to the daughter of the institution’s biggest donor.
Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

It’s just easier for other people to see the answer because they have no emotional attachment.

Go be an executive director, and enjoy the learning curve. It will serve to make you better at the job.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Need to Break Off a Relationship with a Snarky Colleague? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 26 Oct 2024 09:47:20 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I was made supervisor for a team at a software company about six months ago. I like the job and the people on my team, and I’m slowly figuring out how to be a decent manager. I feel lucky that I was moved to a different team so I don’t have to manage my former peers.

I have become friendly with the other supervisors—we meet to discuss priorities, stay on top of changes, and share tips. I started meeting with one of them for an occasional beer after work. At first, everything was great. But now that we’ve grown closer, they spend all of our time together gossiping about the other supervisors and trashing the people on their team.

This person talks endlessly about how stupid, lazy, and disrespectful people are. I feel like I am there just to listen to them complain. I want to talk about travel, books, movies, or fun things we have planned for the weekend.

I listen and try to empathize, but they show no interest in helping anyone or in hearing my thoughts. They are so snarky, I am afraid if I cut them off they will spread nasty rumors about me. I can’t remember what personal things I have shared—nothing terrible, but who knows what they might say?

How do I get out of this relationship without setting them off and potentially causing real damage?

Stuck with a Loser

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Stuck with a Loser,

Oh dear, this is a tough one. I am sorry. It is hard when people start out great and end up showing their true colors once the hooks are in. I am always fascinated by people who do nothing but trash others and then wonder why they have no friends at work.

Part of me wants to encourage you to reflect this person’s awfulness back to them and try to get them to see that their perception of people is part of the problem. But honestly, that kind of a hard conversation would be one you make the effort to have with people you love and have a commitment to.

Your only other option is to get away from this person as quickly as you can.

You might start by inviting as many people as will come to join you after work so there is a group you can slowly fade out of. If that doesn’t work, make something up. Am I suggesting you lie? Indeed I am. I suppose some might judge me, but I am nothing if not practical. Find a (fictional) new hobby or volunteer job that requires your attention after work. Every night. Or invent a cousin with a family emergency who needs you to babysit every evening for the foreseeable future. If you can’t stand to lie, or are too worried you might get busted, maybe find a real activity—hiking, yoga, taking a side gig as a personal shopper, or committing to writing a novel. Anything that the person won’t be interested in so they won’t ask to join you. Anything that will be more pleasant than spending time with them.

Of course, you could tell the truth—that you feel like all they do is complain and talk smack about people and you can’t spend time with them anymore. I know that might feel risky, but here’s the thing: if they are saying horrible things about everyone else in their work orbit, they are probably already trashing you when you aren’t around. There is an excellent chance everybody else has this person’s number and doesn’t listen to a word they say.

You don’t owe them another moment of your time—or, frankly, the truth. Just get away from them and try not to worry. Stay focused on doing a good job with your team and cultivating relationships with people who share your values. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Direct Report Has a Chip on Their Shoulder? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 19 Oct 2024 11:57:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a large team of accounting professionals for a company of about 4800 employees. I have worked very hard to create a great team, and I have excellent, dedicated people.

My problem is our payroll manager (PM). He is generally very easy-going and a hard worker. He is a whiz at working with our software provider. He catches errors and has proved invaluable.

The issue is this: PM can be very off-putting when an employee calls with a problem—and when it is an executive with a huge salary, he is at his very worst. We have received complaints from enough people that my boss is on my case now. I have tried to offer him feedback and have recommended that he take a customer service class that is in our online learning library.

Recently, PM said something insulting to a regional VP of sales. I didn’t hear it because I was in a conference room, but we have an open office plan and a bunch of people did hear it. I am just waiting for a complaint to come in. When I approached him about the incident, he admitted that he had been triggered by the VP’s attitude, which he perceived as condescending and abusive.

He appears to resent how much money some people make, and he has told me several times that he thinks everyone in accounting is underpaid, especially him. All of us (including me) are paid proper market rate for people in our profession. It is true that jobs in accounting don’t pay as well as they once did.

I told PM that his growing reputation is not going to help me make the case to get him a raise. He got mad at me, cut the conversation short, and walked -away shaking his head. Since then he has been very cranky with everyone. On one hand, I am afraid he will quit. On the other hand, I kind of wish he would quit, because if he can’t change his attitude I will have to fire him.

I keep trying different angles to help him, but can’t seem to find anything that works. I don’t know what to do. How can I help PM deal with his resentment and stop being rude to our customers?

Want to Help

________________________________________________________________________

Dear Want to Help,

I appreciate your desire to help. The rule I will remind you of right out of the gate is that you can’t save people who don’t want to be saved. In my darker hours, I am almost 100% certain that you can’t save people, period. Though I could be wrong about that.

It can be hard to face the ugly truth that the profession you trained for doesn’t pay as well as others. This might come as a surprise to PM if he got into accounting because he liked it and was good at it, but didn’t research compensation before he made his choice. It can be a huge challenge to offer impeccable customer service to people who are jerks and who make (what might be judged as) entirely too much money. Money is simply a big, fat trigger for a lot of people—certainly for many people who feel underpaid and/or undervalued.

Customer service takes a special kind of person, and I am not sure an online course is going to help someone who simply isn’t cut out for it. If you Google personality traits of excellent customer service representatives, you will find words like empathy, positivity, friendliness, and approachability. I am not saying it is impossible for PM to develop these, but it is probably a long shot.

I do have some ideas for you:

Go super direct. Ask PM if he wants to stay in the job and find a way to make it work. That might speed up what happens next. If the answer is yes, tell him he can be mad and cranky all he wants but it isn’t going to change the requirements of the job, which is that he treat any company employee who needs his help with civility and respect. You can share that he is an excellent technical professional, you want to make it work, you believe in second chances, and you are okay with giving him one last chance—but if there is one more incident, you will have to let him go. If the answer is no, well, you know what to do.
Change the job. If it is at all possible, look into changing PM’s job so he doesn’t have to work directly with customers. Find someone on the team who is naturally kind, caring, non-judgmental, and service oriented to field customer calls. That person can then troubleshoot with PM and get back to the customer. I understand this may prompt a change in job descriptions, which can be a pain in the neck. The practice of re-designing jobs to suit the people in them rather than hiring the right person for the job can wreak havoc, especially in huge companies. It all depends on how confident you are in your ability to find someone who can be good at all aspects of the job.
Let the chips fall where they may. Continue to give feedback and wait for PM to do something that will get him fired. This won’t reflect well on you, but you wouldn’t be the first manager to resort to this option.

Once PM has calmed down, you might consider having a heart-to-heart. If you think he trusts you enough, you can remind him that you are on his side, you care, and you want to set him up to win. You might suggest that he work with a coach or therapist to help him rethink his professional options if he is so bitterly disappointed with the pay—or, at least, to help him deal with whatever triggers him so he can gain more self-control.

It is obvious that you want to help. It makes sense that you want to retain someone who is so technically capable. But, in the end, it will be up to PM to decide if he wants to change. If he can’t—or won’t—there is not a whole lot you can do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Need a Way Out of Your Business Partnership? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 12 Oct 2024 14:53:55 +0000

Hello Madeleine,

I have read your articles, and I wanted to reach out to you.

I have an equal business partner with whom I have successfully run a restaurant for six years. While I have 30 years of experience in the industry, my business partner had no previous knowledge about restaurant operations. I have used my expertise to elevate our restaurant to a high level.

The reason I am contacting you is to seek advice on how to end this partnership. I would like to either buy him out or have him buy me out. I have made this offer to him but he has not accepted either option.

My desire to end the partnership stems from his wealthy background, which has led him to expect me to work harder to generate more profit for him. He frequently complains about the restaurant’s profits, yet contributes nothing to its success. He has a dominant personality that can sometimes be narcissistic, and he often threatens to dissolve the company. He also brings up the need for expensive lawyers to discuss potential agreements, but my goal is simply to have him leave or to receive compensation so I can move on.

I hope to get your guidance on how to make the best decision in this situation.

Aggrieved Partner

——————-

Dear Aggrieved Partner,

I am sorry for your tribulations. This is a tough one. I wish I could wave a magic wand, send you back six years, and have the two of you map out clear agreements about not only what each person would be expected to contribute to the partnership but also how to manage an exit plan.

Since we can’t go back in time, you are stuck with a situation in which you are dealing with uncomfortable conflict and could potentially lose a lot. What agreements did you sign when you first conceived the idea of a partnership? Might you have something in writing? It seems like you brought the experience and the sweat equity while he provided the seed money. How have you been sharing whatever profit gets generated? You say he threatens to dissolve the company—do you have any ownership stake or power at all?

First things first. You must figure out what matters most to you. Is it winning? Is it punishing your partner for being such a jerk? Or is it more important to get out of this partnership with your sanity and reputation intact, or maybe just find a way to reduce your stress? Once you work this out, you will have a clearer picture of how to proceed.

Here are some options for you to consider:

Check the laws in your country about business ownership. Consult a lawyer of your own to see what rights you have based on whatever agreements do exist.
There is something going on that the two of you are not talking about. It seems that your partner (term used loosely) is avoiding the topic of bringing the partnership to a close. Is he perhaps more attached to the business than you realize? There might be some emotional reason that he goes immediately on the defensive when you bring up the topic. The question to your partner might be: “It seems you are unhappy with my ability to generate profit, so I am curious as to why you seem unwilling to dissolve the partnership.”

The more you can communicate with each other, the more likely you will come to some resolution. For this to happen, I will draw your attention to your own grievances against your partner. I am not saying you are wrong about him, but I do think your harsh judgment of him—no doubt formed over years of experience—is almost certainly bleeding into the way you communicate with him. That can’t help matters. Try to remember the way you behaved with your partner when things were first starting and you held him in higher regard. Do your best to shelve your criticisms, well founded as they may be, and change the way you treat your partner. You may think you are good at hiding your opinions, but I guarantee he is feeling them. No one wants to negotiate with someone who hates them.

It sounds like your partner is distracted and wishes to maintain status quo. If you are desperate enough to poke the bear, make it real to your partner. Prepare two options for him in writing:
- First option: He sells you his share of the business for what you think it is worth based on the initial investment. Perhaps lay out a scenario in which you buy him out and pay him a set amount over time.
- Second option: You offer to sell him your share of the business, outlining the value of your sweat equity and what you think that is worth.

Get a lawyer to help you prepare the documents so that they are properly constructed. Your partner might be impatient and annoyed enough to just move ahead and sign one option or the other. Until you do that, he probably won’t take you seriously.

I hate to say this, but if you feel strongly enough about getting out, you may just have to walk away. Everybody in town is probably aware that you are the heart and soul of the restaurant and the one who has made it a thriving concern. There is a very good chance, based on your reputation, that you will find someone who is willing to invest in you again. If there are no legal documents spelling out the agreements, you might be able to find a way to generate a new opportunity for yourself and simply—leave. If there are no agreements in place, there is nothing any lawyer can do about it, no matter how well compensated they are.
The last option I can think of is to find a way to focus on what is working. Park your judgment, let your partner’s behavior roll off your back, and enjoy the good thing you have created.

I am truly sorry, Aggrieved Partner, for your situation. Business partnerships are notoriously fraught under the best of circumstances. They are similar to marriages in that no one wants to consider that they might end, and very few prepare well for that possibility. This one is not unlike a marriage in which no pre-nuptial agreement was negotiated. I suspect you will never make that mistake again. I have seen people simply tolerate terrible partners because the pain and loss of dissolving the partnership (or marriage, for that matter) far outweighs the benefits in the long run.

Once you know what is most important to you, you will know what to do.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Potential CEO Lacks Humility? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 05 Oct 2024 12:02:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am the founder and CEO of a specialty investment services company, which I started—for fun—after retiring from my first career in investment banking. My executive team is amazing. Since we are so specialized and the field is super technical, I have had to find the best and the brightest.

My problem is that I am ready to retire—for real—sometime soon. The guy who is slated to succeed me is a genius but, unfortunately, a jerk. He is perfectly capable of not being a jerk: he is downright warm and charming with clients, but he is horrible to the people he works with. He is extremely smart, has never failed at anything, and has no humility.

I trust him implicitly when it comes to strategy, advising clients, and making decisions. But I am afraid if he becomes CEO, people will quit in droves and the whole company will fold.

I don’t want to see all my hard work go down the drain. How do I approach this with him?

Ready to Go

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Ready to Go,

Head on, my friend! That is the only way. Tell the truth, lay out the crossroads choice that Junior has before him, make some demands, and hold the line.

Is there no one else you can trust to take your place? That is my first question. If the answer is an unequivocal no, you are going to have to bite the bullet and demand to see some change—and soon. And there must be consequences for your successor if you don’t see the changes you need to see.

I do think many people who end up in the investment banking industry are accustomed to having bosses who are whip smart but not very—shall we say—nice. This is based on my own experience working in the field and the many anecdotes I have heard over the decades. It is universally acknowledged that investment banking is a little like trench warfare.

Given that, I wonder what worries you so much about Junior taking over. What does he do, exactly, that you think will cause people to quit in droves? I suspect you have plenty of examples. Use them. You must be specific if you are going to give him feedback and demand change—and even more specific about the exact changes you need to see, so that you can track and measure the changes. You will want to come up with a list of do’s, don’ts, and non-negotiable never ever agains.

The good news is you know he knows how to act like a decent human being because you have seen him do it with clients. He just needs to figure out how to keep it up with his peers and employees.

If you have any stated company values, you might be able to use those to point to the ways Junior is not a role model for them. You could also give examples of his good behaviors with clients that are aligned with the company values that he might use to replace some of his not-so-nice behaviors with colleagues.

Another thought is to share this article with him: Level Five Leadership: The Triumph of Humility and Fierce Resolve. It is based on Jim Collins’ research about the leaders of companies who stand the test of time. An oldie but goodie, it outlines the long-term advantages of humility as an unbeatable leadership trait.

You might also share something Ken Blanchard has often said about humility: “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” People can learn to be more humane, kind and considerate to others. It isn’t easy and it takes practice, but it is doable.

Will this be the first time Junior has heard feedback about what a jerk he is to the people he works with? It may come as a surprise to him. But if he is as smart as you think he is, hopefully he will see the value of making an effort. If you give the feedback and ask for clear concrete evidence that he can change his ways, and you are met with a blank stare or a straight-up unwillingness to even try, you may want to consider closing down the business or selling it to a competitor that has a decent leader who knows how to treat people. I think if Junior knows you are seriously considering both options, he might be motivated to head off those possibilities.

Humility is a tricky character trait to develop. If a person doesn’t come wired with humility, it is usually acquired through facing excruciating life circumstances such as catastrophic failure of some kind. So Junior is going to have to either fail as a leader, or be imaginative enough to see the dire consequences of possible failure. You, in your quest to help him, will need fierce resolve. Don’t take the path of least resistance if you want to retire with no worries.

You obviously think there is some hope for Junior, or you wouldn’t have written. The question is: will you be persuasive enough to get him to rise to the challenge? Leverage everything you know about him, what is interesting to him, and how much he enjoys winning to get him to see the benefits. Your restful retirement depends on it.

Good luck with your last leadership test.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

At a Crossroads with Your Start-Up? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 28 Sep 2024 12:37:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am at a crossroads and don’t know which way to go. During Covid, I got a great idea and started a very cool online business. I did so well that a few people invested in my little company, and for a while it grew like gangbusters. I hired some people to help out and we’ve had a great team for a few years now. We have all made decent money and had a lot of fun.

Over the last year, it’s been hard to compete with all the new entrants into the same space—most have more investment funds than I do. I’ve been approached to sell to a competitor who talks a big game but really just wants me out of the way. If I sold, I would have enough cash to pay back the investors, call it a day, and move on. Alternatively, I could raise more money and try to compete by upgrading our technology, hiring more people, etc.

Over the last year, I’ve been stuck in front of my computer 18 hours a day because of this business. There are so many other things I want to do. I was able to prove my concept and keep myself entertained, but now I’ve really lost interest.

My problem is my employees. I really like all of them and worry that they will feel betrayed if I sell out and walk away. There is no guarantee that anyone I sell to will keep them on, and they are all perfectly capable of finding new jobs, but I don’t want them to hate me. I am starting to feel trapped.

I have made a pros and cons list and discussed this with my nearest and dearest, but can’t seem to make a decision. I am interested to hear what you might suggest.

At a Crossroads

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear At a Crossroads,

I deeply appreciate how much you care about your people, but let us remember that you started your business as something fun and interesting to do. It sounds like at no point did you think “I am going to start a business so I can provide employment to people for the rest of their lives.”

I learned something that has turned out to be true from reading The E Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber decades ago. He said there are three kinds of people who start businesses: the Entrepreneur, the Manager, and the Technician.

The Entrepreneur is the dreamer—the person who spots a need or opportunity in the marketplace and creates something new to fulfill that need. This sounds a lot like you. You created something cool, and are now ready to move on to other things.

The Manager is the person who craves order and is good at creating the systems and processes that will ensure seamless running of the business. They are good at spotting problems and solving them for good. These are the people who tend to buy franchises because they come with a proven concept and systems. Creativity is not required.

The Technician is the person who is very good at a technical skill or expert at delivering a specialized service. Think massage therapist or, as the example Gerber used in his book, someone who makes extraordinary pies.

To create a business that thrives long-term, the person who starts it needs to understand which of these is their type, and find partners or employees who are the other two types. Both Entrepreneurs and Technicians desperately need Managers because there will always be tension that needs to managed. It is extremely rare that a person who starts a business is equally gifted in all three of these required areas.

These distinctions have been extremely useful to me personally, helping me to see that I am a Technician with an entrepreneurial spirit. Essentially, I realized quickly that trying to remain a Manager in a business that is up and running is a terrible idea for me. So I have had a career of starting things (sometimes successfully, other times not so much) and then handing them over to Managers.

This is a lot of detail to explain that, if your entrepreneurial bent were strong enough to keep you interested in solving problems and truly scaling your business, it would make sense for you to stay with it. But it is eminently clear that you have already lost interest. And you have an opportunity to sell what you created to someone who is enough of a Manager to scale and compete.

It sounds like you have a deep core need for variety. Core needs must get met or they will wreak havoc on your life and your business. Why would you saddle yourself with something you are already bored with? In this case, it would be for sentimental reasons—to deliver on a promise that you never even made. That, my friend, is a recipe for disaster.

There are steps you can take to care for your people as best you can. The first step would be to have a chat with each of them, explain your reasoning, and listen to their thoughts. You can express your care and concerns while still sharing what is real for you.

You can, of course, do your best to encourage your buyer to hang on to as many current employees as possible, which I am sure you will do anyway.

Finally, you can put your money where your mouth is. You might consider sharing a portion of the sale price with your people so that they each have a little nest egg, or enough to tide them over until their next opportunity presents itself. Once you have paid off your investors, you can do the math and figure out what makes sense to share with your employees. I think this would demonstrate your commitment and go a long way toward mitigating the pain of the loss and change.

Nothing lasts forever, At a Crossroads. You must honor your own needs and your strong instinct that it is time to move on. You can do that while also respecting your people’s hard work, the fun you all had, and how fond you are of them. You can close this chapter of your life honorably and without regret.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Work Flexibility Coming Back to Haunt You? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 21 Sep 2024 10:34:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have been managing people for decades. With the advent of Covid, I put a lot of focus on getting better at managing hybrid teams. (This blog really helped me.) I have some people who come to the office and about half the group works remotely. I go in four days a week.

I have developed a reputation for being fair, working with individuals to find challenging opportunities and being flexible with work preferences. But lately I have begun to wonder if I am being too flexible, at the expense of the functioning of my team. For example, I have one direct report who has informed me that he intends to move to Australia. He just assumed I would be okay with it. I am not.

I really wish he had approached me with this as a request and not presented it as a fait accompli. I never would have approved this move. But now all the plans have been made—and if I were to say no at this point, it would cause a lot of turbulence. My biggest issue is that we already work with multiple time zones, and adding another one on the opposite side of the world is going to increase complexity. I haven’t even begun the process of talking to HR about the laws governing employment in Australia, and that worries me. This person is a good employee, but there have been some issues with accountability and entitlement. I wouldn’t mind letting him go and hiring someone new for the job.

What I really want to do is ask him if we can roll back this decision, but I worry that he only behaved the way he did because I sent mixed messages. How much of this is my fault? What can I do now?

Not OK

___________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Not OK,

Wow, this is so relatable. As a manager, I often have erred on the side of giving people too much freedom (which is crucial to me) and have suffered similar mix-ups. I applaud your willingness to consider the part you might have played in creating the situation and your desire to take responsibility for it. But, at least from the information you provided, it does seem like your employee took some liberties.

In the blog post you mention, Real Talk About Leading Hybrid Teams, Randy Conley points out that with hybrid teams, it is even more critical to make the implicit explicit. I think that point might be the one to focus on now.

Blanchard just sent out an updated employee handbook that outlines very clearly how employees should proceed if they wish to relocate. It begins with a conversation with one’s manager to obtain explicit permission. I can only imagine that your company has something similar. So there might be a chance that your direct report ignored precise direction.

Even if you don’t have such a handbook, you are within your rights as a manager to have a serious conversation with your world traveler. It is completely fair for you to point out that you would have preferred that he consult you, rather than inform you, before making such a huge decision. It is also fair to tell him that you need to do your homework—both with HR to see if it is feasible, and with your team to see if the time difference will correspond with the team’s workflow. Finally, assuming you have talked about accountability issues already, it is fair to express your concerns about how the distance and time difference will affect this person’s ability to stay on top of his deliverables.

I appreciate your worry that your flexibility has led to a misunderstanding, but I think a line was crossed here, and you can push back. You would need to do so even if the employee were a superstar performer. It is never too late to be explicit when needed. It really is not your fault that your employee jumped the gun. And if you can’t make it work, he will reap the consequences.

Do your due diligence. Decide one way or the other if you can make this work for you and the team. Share your thinking. You can own your part in this situation but you can also insist that your employee own his. If it can work, outline the parameters of how. If it can’t—well, it might be a hard conversation.

Be clear, be direct, and be kind.

You can use this as an opportunity to get ahead of any other non-negotiables you haven’t shared with your team. Examine additional assumptions your direct reports might be making, and make the implicit explicit.

Most people crave certainty, so the more you can give them, the better.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Manager Wants a Piece of Your Commission in Exchange for Helping You? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 14 Sep 2024 11:52:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work for a giant real estate company and have been selling houses in a big metropolitan city for a long time. Over the years, I’ve been heavily recruited and this is my third company. I never wanted to be in management as I really like working with clients. I’ve had terrible managers, decent managers, and everything in between.

My company has always received a percentage of the commission, which is standard. Recently the company made a change—and now my manager will be getting a small percentage of the commission on everything I sell. It is hard to say this without sounding like a jerk, but I do very well and my manager stands to make a substantial amount from this arrangement.

I guess I wouldn’t mind, except I’ve been doing this for a good twenty years longer than she has. Any time I ask my manager for any help at all, she says she is too busy. She either doesn’t respond to emails or she promises to get back to me with answers and then doesn’t. Almost all my questions are related to the inner workings of our organization, publicity budgets, etc. I do all my own research and stay abreast of the changes in local laws, so I learned early not to depend on anyone for that.

I am furious. I’ve done fine on my own for 25 years. Now this little weasel is going to get some of my hard-earned commission for doing exactly nothing. What the heck? I’m certain this change is designed to make managers engage more with their brokers, but it isn’t working.

I was thinking of talking to my manager’s boss (with whom I have a long-standing relationship) but that seems a little whiny. Or I could start looking at other companies that don’t engage in this practice. What do you think?

Working Harder, Making Less

___________________________________________________________________________

Dear Working Harder, Making Less,

This sounds awfully frustrating. If your manager added some value you might be able to come around to this change, but as it stands, the anger you feel is likely to grow.

Senior executives are much more likely to want to help when you have already tried to fix a situation yourself, so I think your first line of defense is to have a candid conversation with your manager. It is human nature that when there is more to do than is possible, we pay attention only to the people who insist on it. Most managers are perfectly happy to leave high performers alone to, well, perform.

This would mean insisting on a time to meet, either on the phone or in person, having prepared your request to create a more effective working relationship moving forward. It sounds as if all you’re really asking for is that she answer your questions or reply to your emails with the information you need. Even if this person weren’t making extra money off you, this would be a low bar.

It is fair to explain that you didn’t mind flying solo before having to pay her for her support, but now that you do, you really need her to help you when you ask. Stick to the facts and keep emotion out of it. Be clear, concise, and neutral. Practice beforehand if you need to.

One of these things is likely to happen:

You can’t even get a meeting scheduled, or
She disagrees that your requests are fair, or
She agrees that your requests are fair, makes promises and becomes more responsive for a short period, and then reverts to her old ways.

Following any of these scenarios, you can then escalate and at the very least get the commission sharing decision reversed. Or start looking at alternatives. Only you will know if this is a trend that is happening among other companies—in which case, maybe you can find another company with a more helpful manager.

Of course the hope is that when you share your thoughts, your manager will see your point and change her ways for good. Ideally, you build a relationship, she takes your calls, answers your emails, and generally acts as if she has your back, which may add enough value that you don’t resent sharing a little money with her. This is best-case scenario.

Real estate is a notoriously difficult business. If you have managed to stay in it, build a reputation, and make a lot of money, you must be good at it. You probably are exceptionally good at building relationships with people and helping them to manage all the emotions that are invariably unleashed when selling or buying a home. This is not nothing. It makes sense for you to protect yourself and not let anyone take advantage of your decades of experience.

If you can’t get what you need to stop your resentment from building, you can escalate. If that doesn’t work, you can take your prowess elsewhere.

I am crossing my fingers that just being a squeaky wheel—albeit a kind and polite one—will get you what you need.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

What’s the Difference Between a Manager and a Leader? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 07 Sep 2024 12:10:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am an executive coach. An interesting thing came up in a coaching session today: one of my clients has been tasked with defining the difference between a manager and a leader. There are some HBR articles on the topic and some different definitions, but I’m curious to learn if you have ever defined the difference between the two at Blanchard. It seems that most of the gurus in the coaching and training space talk about leadership and sometimes interchange the words leader and manager, but I don’t know if anyone has really distinctly defined the difference. How do those two roles manifest themselves at different leadership levels in a company?

My client and I discussed it and we agree on this: the closer a supervisor is to the individual contributor level (e.g., a frontline leader), the greater percentage of their time would be spent on manager-type tasks. The closer a supervisor is to the CEO level, the greater percentage of time would be spent on leadership-type tasks. In the middle levels, it likely would be a combination of both.

I’m curious, though, if we have defined the two roles in the past. I thought I would run this by you to see what you think.

Seeking a Distinction

_____________________________________________________________________

Dear Seeking a Distinction,

This is such a great question. I am curious to know what was behind the task request received by your client. You’re right—pretty much every place I’ve looked uses the terms manager and leader interchangeably. In fact, our flagship model SLII^® is referred to as a leadership model, while I think of it as a performance management model. So there you have it.

The distinction we do make at Blanchard is between strategic leadership and operational leadership. This is outlined in our white paper The Leadership-Profit Chain, which details the research that reveals the critical importance of leadership capacity to the bottom line. Strategic leaders are responsible for articulating the vision, defining the culture, and clarifying the strategic imperatives for the organization. Operational leaders engage in disciplined management practices that drive procedures, policies, and behaviors to ensure people do three things: understand and align with the vision, choose behaviors that are aligned with the stated values of the organization, and deliver what is needed to achieve the strategic imperatives.

Does that mean strategic leaders don’t have to manage people? No. Almost all senior executives still have to manage a function and direct reports.

Does this mean operational leaders can’t have a vision for their business area and come up with their own strategies to deliver what is needed? No. The best mid-level managers are trustworthy humans and have vision and strategy skills.

But we know not all leaders know how to (or care to) manage people and take care of all the details associated with managing. And not all operational managers are leadership material.

I think what you and your client came up with makes sense. Here is the way I would define the two different things—and I hope it will add value to your conversation.

A leader, in my humble opinion, is quite simply someone whom others choose to follow. Leadership activities include inspiring others, developing a reputation for making sound decisions, defining reality, resolving problems created by complexity, role modeling the stated values of the organization, and building trust with those they serve at every opportunity and through every interaction. A leader sees the big picture of what’s possible and inspires others to jump in and help to create that big picture.

A manager is a person who gets things done. Management activities include setting goals, working with peers to define how groups can work best together, breaking goals down into activities, assigning those activities to the best available person, and tracking progress and accountability for their group. A manager has a decent idea of the big picture but focuses on the right details in the creation of it.

It’s tricky, isn’t it? It all depends on what one’s job is and knowing where to focus one’s attention and how to allocate one’s precious time. To be successful in one’s job, no matter what label is assigned to it, this is what counts: attention and time allocation.

One might say a leader who is also a great manager (or a manager who is also a great leader) can see the forest and the trees. I think we’ve all had bosses who are brilliant at seeing the whole forest but can’t see a single tree, or one who can’t see the whole forest because they are focused on a single cluster of trees. And let’s not forget the technical experts who understand the inner workings of an individual tree. One of the great challenges we help organizations deal with is how often technical experts are promoted to management roles. There is a natural assumption that people who are excellent in their job will be good at managing others doing that same job. Anyone who has suffered from that situation as either manager or direct report can testify that nothing could be further from the truth.

In the end, it is a both/and situation instead of an either/or.

I hope this is helpful. Let me reiterate that this is my opinion, not Blanchard’s stated point of view, or the Truth. I look forward to hearing what you think!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Unsure How Gen Z Perceives You? Ask the Intern

Blanchard Associate — Sat, 31 Aug 2024 11:00:00 +0000

Dear Intern,

I’ve appreciated watching the interns in our company work on different projects in different departments. I’m always amazed by how fast the interns work, how well they collaborate as a team, and the high quality of the work they deliver.

My question is this: How do we, the current employees, look to them? Do we look slow, with poor teaming skills, for example? I hope not. How would interns compare the culture in their workplace with what they experience at school and in other areas of their life?

Curious Employee

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Curious Employee,

Let me first say that in my experience as an intern, I ask myself the question “How do they see me?” all the time! I think it’s a fairly universal question across generations in the workplace.

Although I don’t speak on behalf of all of Gen Z—I’m only one person, limited to my own experience—I can confidently say that I don’t perceive other generations as having poor teamwork skills or working at a slow pace. However, I have noticed that each generation in the workplace carries with them a defining skillset. For this reason, I think it’s essential for companies to strive for generational diversity. It’s the key to bringing in talented people with diverse sets of skills and perspectives that build off one another.

As an example, many emerging Gen Z workers are highly skilled in digital writing or creating digital content such as texts, images, videos, social media posts, etc. We are the “tech savvy” generation, aka “digital natives.” So, when a project calls for those skills, we might be able to naturally get the job done more quickly and efficiently than our team members who represent older generations. At the same time, I’d say Gen X and Boomer workers are often naturally gifted at face-to-face communication, which is arguably just as important as being tech savvy in the workplace. In other words, we all need, and can learn from, each other.

Going back to your initial question, it can feel equally tempting to dismiss the contributions of other generations (whether older or younger) as inadequate, irrelevant, or unnecessary in the workplace. I’ve interned for multiple organizations and have had plenty of experiences where I would present what I thought were new and exciting ideas to my former manager, only for my ideas to be shot down and altogether disregarded. And while I could blame the manager’s reaction on their bias against me as a Gen Z worker, I recognize that feeling unheard at work isn’t all that uncommon, unfortunately. And it hurts, regardless of the generation you grew up in.

I tried to reframe the rejection I experienced to make it feel less personal, with the understanding that we each grow up around one specific generation during our formative years of development. We naturally will think “It’s my way or the highway” until we’re prompted to think otherwise. However, considering that you’re asking these important questions, it seems that you’ve already begun to challenge this narrative, so I’d say that puts you ahead of the curve!

All this to say, as a Gen Z intern, here’s my advice in answering this question of “How do they perceive me?” You’re actually already doing it. Ask us! Openly communicate with us and encourage us to do the same with you. You asked about ties between the culture we experience at work compared to what we experience at school. I think it comes down to this: we all want to feel seen and heard by our manager at work in the same way that we feel seen and heard by our instructors in the classroom. Fostering an open channel of communication is the first step.

And that’s it! I’ll be the first to admit that the generational communication gap can be incredibly difficult to traverse at times. It may feel like walking on eggshells at first. For instance, I can have incredible anxiety when talking with a manager or employee of an older generation. I find myself wondering “Did I do something wrong? Am I supposed to say something? Am I being too quiet?” But I truly believe that an established line of communication can make all the difference in quieting these self-doubts and fostering a safe space with Gen Z interns like me. I know this because I’ve experienced it firsthand with my current manager, who validates me when I perform well and supports me when I have room to grow.

Many of us have brilliant ideas, insightful questions, or important feedback that we want to share, but often lack the confidence or sense of belonging to share them. Sometimes all we need is a gentle nudge (or perhaps a kind push) in the right direction, even if it’s simply saying, “Okay intern, what are your thoughts on this?”

I hope this helps! Best of luck!

Cas the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine has enjoyed a well-deserved summer break, “Ask Madeleine” has become “Ask the Intern” where we have presented your questions to several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.

This week’s response is from Cas Podgorski, Podcast Intern at ifyouaskbetty, LLC.

Madeleine will return next week.

What Makes a Good Internship? Ask the Intern

Blanchard Associate — Sat, 24 Aug 2024 10:20:00 +0000

Dear Intern,

What do today’s interns want out of a summer internship? My company—like many others—hosts six to eight summer interns every year. I’ve been participating in the program for over fifteen years and during that time I’ve had one, two, or sometimes three interns working for several weeks in our marketing department. It’s been a good experience, and I think the interns have learned something along the way.

I’ve always tried to create an experience that does four things:

Provides each intern with a project they can call their own and refer to on their résumé
Gives them a chance to work together with other interns both in our department and across other departments
Introduces them to corporate culture through regular employee training or all-hands meetings, for example
Includes very proactive management, with high levels of direction and support from me as needed

I’ve received good feedback from the interns I’ve worked with using this approach, but I’m afraid I may be stuck with an old-fashioned sense of what an internship should look like. (Full disclosure: I’m in my early 60s.)

Could you give me some feedback on what interns are looking for these days? Where am I on track, and where do I possibly need some fresh thinking? I’d appreciate your viewpoint.

Thanks,

Always Learning

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Always Learning,

Thank you for reaching out! It’s amazing to see how much effort you put into the internship program in your marketing department. You clearly value your interns and the experience you want to create for them.

Centering interns’ experience around a project they can call their own is such a great way to get them involved and keep them motivated! Speaking from experience, I believe interns want something hands-on and fulfilling. For example, I love supporting other people, so Blanchard granted me a multitude of projects that allowed me to put my passion into practice. My only feedback for you would be to ensure each intern’s project caters to their specific professional journey. They are more likely to feel valued when their contributions are aligned with their strengths, goals, and interests. Interns are excited about and proud of their work!

You can also help your interns feel valued by seeking updates about their projects and asking how you can support them. And when they reach an obstacle (because that will happen), help support and problem-solve to get them back on track. Making them feel like an asset to the company is a great way to build up their confidence in a corporate setting and help them stay motivated.

If your interns are anything like me, they are likely worried about the next ten steps in their career. Interns want to help the company, but the experience they gain is also a driver. As you mentioned in your first point, the résumé they are trying to build is very important. An internship often is the first corporate experience someone will have. Helping your interns build their résumé with something they are enthusiastic about will improve their luck during future interviews—and increase the likelihood that they will want to continue working for your company!

I love how you encourage your interns to network and collaborate with one another! Frustration and confusion are part of the learning process, so letting them get acquainted is an amazing way to embed a support system within the company. Also, having them explore other departments is a great idea! Allowing them to see what their peers are doing and possibly assist them establishes those relationships and helps them adapt to the corporate setting.

Going off that, exposing interns to the corporate culture is such an important process. I’m glad you actively introduce them to it, because I think it’s often assumed that Gen Z is opposed to traditional corporate culture. While there are certainly aspects we seek to change, we also respect the systems in place and want to learn how to facilitate change from within them. Sometimes this means giving us opportunities to go all in! I would just make completely sure your interns feel supported during these new experiences. For instance, you might provide them with low-stakes opportunities to spend time with high performers in your department. Your interns might feel uncomfortable or nervous at first, but with your encouragement these kinds of meetings can be a great learning and networking opportunity for them!

High support and high guidance are so important! As interns (and people in general) are introduced to a brand-new set of tasks, they can sometimes get lost or discouraged. Providing guidance during this season is key for a productive environment and experience. It’s great if your interns are highly motivated, but it’s not a deal-breaker if they aren’t. A rough patch of confusion and low confidence is bound to happen, but usually people can work past it. Encouraging open communication without fear of punishment is crucial in this regard. How can someone help if they aren’t aware that something is wrong?

All this to say, I think your “old-fashioned” approach is still valid! If you want to level-up your internship program, my best advice would be to meet your interns where they are—from the beginning to the end of the program. Start by setting expectations about what the experience is going to be like, making sure to consider their personal strengths, goals, and interests. Wrap up the program by asking for candid feedback about their experience. These practices will ensure that your internship program is always evolving to meet the needs of the next round of interns!

It’s great that you and your company recognize the importance of the internship experience. The effort you are putting into the program is outstanding and sets a great example for your interns. Thank you again for reaching out and valuing their experience!

Best wishes,

Addison the Intern

Editor’s Note: While Madeleine enjoys a well-deserved summer break for the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.

This week’s response is from Addison Dixon, Producer Intern for Blanchard Institute.

Tempted to Bail on Gen Z? Ask the Intern

Blanchard Associate — Sat, 17 Aug 2024 11:51:00 +0000

Dear Intern,

I just got hired as head of sales for a marketing services firm. I’m really excited to drive the future growth of this small and mighty company.

My new team includes several very young team members. For some, this is their first professional job. I have always led more senior sales professionals and leaders of sales teams, so to lead individual contributors—especially at this junior level—makes me a bit nervous. I have children the same age as these employees, and it is a big challenge to engage and motivate them.

I’ve noticed they seem to get frustrated easily. They have a hard time dealing with the pressure of deadlines and don’t like receiving negative feedback or criticism. Also, I already see them taking advantage of our flexible time off and work from home policies.

How am I supposed to help them grow if they can’t accept that they have to change? I want to develop them into productive team members, but the level of work I need to do makes me think it’s not worth it. I’d rather just manage them out and replace them with more senior roles. Any advice before I bail on them?

Stressed-Out Boss

___________________________________________________________________

Dear Stressed-Out Boss,

It’s totally normal, no matter who your employees are, to have communication gaps and growing pains when leading a new team and establishing new team roles and norms.

Don’t get too nervous about your new employees; I’m sure they are just as nervous as you are. If you think back to when you started your first corporate job, I’d guess it was nerve-racking for you too! Just try to put yourself in their shoes.

You talk about how your new members become easily frustrated and have a hard time with the pressure of the deadlines they are given. Pressure is a common stressor for all of us, emerging and established professionals alike! Have you tried talking to them about this issue? There is a possibility they don’t know they can go to you with their problems. They may not want to disappoint you by coming to you with these issues, so they just sweep them under the rug in the hope they will be resolved on their own.

If I was in their situation where I felt I was struggling but was too nervous to tell my boss, hearing something like this would have gone a long way: “I notice you are having a tough time keeping up with deadlines lately. Why do you think you might be falling behind? What can I do to help you?”

If I know anything about my own generation, it’s that we are generally aware of our flaws—but we don’t always know how to ask for help so that we can rise above them.

Let’s be honest: nobody likes to hear that they’re doing something wrong, no matter their age. If your team members see you as someone who isn’t there to support them, they won’t open up to you—and this could become an ongoing issue. On the other hand, if your people see you as someone who wants to help them get better, they will be more likely to come to you for help in the future.

In my experience, most young professionals will respond positively once their leader cracks through that shell and listens to their needs. We really are driven by purpose! Gen Z sometimes has a reputation as difficult to manage—but in reality, we just want to make a difference in our workplace and feel that we are being heard.

As someone who works from home, one important factor that I always appreciate being set in place are the expectations my boss has for me. For example, you could try saying something along the lines of: “I would like you to start coming to the office Monday through Wednesday. On Thursdays and Fridays, you can choose whether you want to work from home or the office.” I think by solidifying these expectations you would see the results you are looking for from your team.

The same thing goes for flexible time off, although this one could be a bit trickier. When employees get their work done and demonstrate good time management skills, time off isn’t a bad thing. This situation also would benefit from a good conversation if you feel they are taking too much time off.

All this to say, don’t bail on your new team without at least trying to talk to them. Yes, they may operate in a way you aren’t quite used to yet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t good workers! You just need to find what clicks for them when you bring your concerns to their attention.

I hope this advice helps you so that you can feel confident in the future when you get your next round of young professionals in the workplace. I know your new team will appreciate the extra time and attention you are putting in to try and become a better boss for them!

Best of luck!

Jaida the Intern

This week’s response is from Jaida Hess, Intern for Blanchard Innovation Lab.

Trouble Relating to the Next Gen? Ask the Intern

Blanchard Associate — Sat, 10 Aug 2024 11:42:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a Boomer who is three or four years away from retirement (I hope). Over the last few years I have been working with many people who are much younger than my own children. I went from noticing that I was old enough to be the parent of my direct reports to now realizing I could be their grandparent.

I was comfortable navigating people who were the age of my own kids—after all, I was heavily involved in how the world was changing as they came of age. However, now I find myself a bit at sea. I am always worried about saying the wrong thing or doing something that will be interpreted as clueless. (I even worry that words like clueless are passé!)

I wonder what wisdom you might share that will help me relate more effectively to the kids just now entering the workforce.

Okay Boomer

____________________________________________________________

Dear Okay Boomer,

First of all, thank you for reaching out and for being open to learning and adapting! It’s awesome that you’re actively seeking ways to connect with younger coworkers. I can totally understand why it might be hard to connect with my generation, especially because the development of new technologies played such an integral part in our growing up. I’d love to share with you a few ideas on how you can develop stronger relationships with your younger co-workers.

One extremely important thing my generation values is authenticity. We are very big on being real and we see insincerity as a poor quality in anyone. When a young professional senses that someone is insincere, it can be a huge block in developing a relationship with them.

I get that you may want to connect with us—and we want to connect with you! So if there’s something you don’t know about us, it’s perfectly okay to ask. Most of us appreciate when someone makes an effort to understand us rather than pretending to know us. Being upfront about your experience and expressing a genuine interest in learning from us can create a strong foundation for positive interactions.

Bouncing off that, keeping somewhat up to date with current events, pop culture, and technological trends can be a great way to start a casual conversation with us. You definitely don’t need to be an expert, but having a general awareness can help you relate to conversations and references. We get a lot of our information from resources online, especially through social media. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider creating a social media account for yourself and following some popular new sources. If not, no biggie—a quick Google search on current events can go a long way!

On the other hand, we want to get to know you! We value your insights and can learn a lot from your career and life story. Don’t shy away from sharing your wisdom and experiences—but please do so in a way that is open to discussion.

Being a mentor to a younger colleague can provide them with guidance and insights, and it also allows you to learn from their perspective. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship that can foster deeper understanding and respect on both sides. Reverse mentorship, where younger employees share their knowledge on emerging trends and technologies, can be a great way to bridge the generational gap. For example, when giving advice on a work-related project, share what you have done in the past but allow the other person to make suggestions as well.

In regard to communication, clarity and directness are essential. We value straightforwardness and appreciate when feedback is given honestly and constructively. Avoiding language that might be outdated or overly complex helps in maintaining clear and effective communication. Words like clueless aren’t necessarily passé, but it’s good to be mindful of context and the evolution of language. Additionally, utilizing digital communication tools such as instant messaging or project management platforms can help streamline interactions and make collaboration more efficient.

It’s important to recognize and celebrate achievements, both big and small. Acknowledging the hard work and accomplishments of younger co-workers can boost morale and create a positive work environment. Whether it’s through formal recognition programs or simply expressing thanks in day-to-day interactions, showing appreciation and gratitude can go a long way in building strong relationships.

Flexibility, adaptability, and ability to understand our values are also significant qualities we look for. The workplace is changing rapidly, and being open to new ways of doing things can make a big difference. For example, many of us are accustomed to using various apps and software for everything from task management to team collaboration. Showing an interest in these tools can help you stay connected and integrated with the team’s workflow. Additionally, understanding that my generation highly values diversity, inclusion, and mental health is powerful knowledge. Recognizing and supporting these values can create a more inclusive and harmonious work environment. Simple actions, like ensuring everyone’s voice is heard in meetings or supporting initiatives that promote well-being, can show that you’re in tune with what matters to us.

Remember, the goal isn’t to completely change who you are. It’s to find common ground and build mutual respect. So don’t worry too much about making mistakes. Everyone does, and what matters is the effort to connect and improve. Your willingness to adapt and learn is already a significant step toward building better relationships with the younger workforce. By being authentic, communicative, flexible, and supportive, you can create a more inclusive and collaborative workplace that benefits everyone!

Best of luck!

Maci Kate the Intern

This week’s response is from Maci Kate Rehborg, Blanchard Community Experience Intern.

Feeling Out of Touch with Younger Work Colleagues? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 03 Aug 2024 10:21:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I wonder what wisdom you might share that will help me relate more effectively to the kids just now entering the workforce.

Okay Boomer

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Okay Boomer,

You have come to the right place! You are not the only one struggling—there is a fair amount of friction in the workplace for everyone trying to connect with others whose life experiences and perspectives are worlds apart. Blanchard’s philosophy—which is atypical—is that it is the job of the leader to understand and adapt to the needs of their people, not the other way around. So I appreciate that you seek to expand your awareness.

To assist with your quandary, my colleagues and I have decided to shift the focus of this column for a while in order to hear from the exact population you are struggling to understand. For the next several weeks, instead of “Ask Madeleine,” we will “Ask the Intern.” We will field questions like yours and present ideas and solutions from several of our Blanchard interns and their peers in other companies.

Also, I want to take this opportunity to make a plug for a podcast I have been lucky enough to be a part of called Mad & Lucy Mind the Gap, which explores all kinds of tricky workplace topics through the eyes of multiple generational and other diverse lenses.

So stay tuned! I am sure we will provide you with some ideas and maybe even some reassurance that we are all still just humans trying to make our way in the world.

Let’s all keep learning together!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Having Trouble with Someone Who’s Become Selfish, Small-minded and Nasty? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 27 Jul 2024 11:02:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have a high performer on my team (HP) who does very good transactional work. They work with speed and most people outside our team like them.

HP has managerial ambition but does not have capabilities to be a manager. We are a small, lean team after two rounds of layoffs, and there is simply no opportunity to promote anyone in the foreseeable future. When the time does come to promote someone, it won’t be an option for HP, as they have squandered every opportunity I have given them so far.

I have been invested in HP’s growth since the beginning. In the past, I’ve given them some dotted-line reporting opportunities for more junior team members, which did not go very well. Several of the junior members on the cross-functional team mentioned that HP bossed them around and was unpleasant.

I had high hopes for this person. Unfortunately, they took my positive encouragement as a promise. I have made the situation clear and have also told them directly that they should use special projects and other growth opportunities to develop their skills. My peers have reported that they experience HP as having a fixed-mindset. HP is never interested in the growth opportunities we have on the team where I could use their help. It seems the only option that will make them happy is a promotion and a raise.

I have tried other methods: encouraging talent mobility, giving unique assignments, investing in leadership training, giving extra attention and recognition, trying to build a deeper relationship, and being vulnerable. But nothing is working!

At one point, HP said “You are dumping this job on me because no one else can do it.” So I picked another team member who successfully completed the project with a great attitude.

I am equally fair with all my direct reports, but when I recognize anyone else, HP gets very jealous. They haven’t given me bad feedback directly, but because we are so small I know that on our last two annual surveys they were the person who gave me the worst scores on my effectiveness as a leader and wrote nasty comments. HP has shown themselves to be selfish in their actions. They show team spirit and alignment outwardly, but behind the scenes they say mean things and disagree with everything. I am finding them becoming more and more unfair, manipulative, and not appreciative of opportunities given to them.

It wasn’t always like this. Everything changed when it became clear that we don’t have a business need for another manager on our lean senior team. I am trying to keep things in perspective but am deeply hurt.

The first thing I want to do is look inward and see if I can change something or do anything else to revive my relationship with this team member and help them grow in other ways. Could you share two or three growth tips for me as a leader? I am at a loss and would love a word of advice.

Hurt

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hurt,

My first thought is this: if a friend you admire and respect were to put this case to you, what would you say?

I very much appreciate your desire to improve and grow as a leader. Some qualities you seem to have in spades: a growth mindset, an impulse to take personal responsibility, generosity of spirit, and a desire to help others on their journey.

Your High Potential (HP) had a lot of promise and did well at first. This early potential is clouding your vision, making it hard for you to see the current reality that HP’s most recent behavior betrays a rather staggering lack of character:

Refusing work assignments that would help you;
Displaying a fixed mindset (one of the hardest things to help others shift, in my experience);
Displaying jealousy when others are recognized;
Essentially not taking advantage of opportunities that you take pains to arrange;
And, finally, retaliating against you with nasty feedback for circumstances beyond your control.

In short: this person is selfish, small-minded, and nasty.

It sounds like your organization has been through a lot, which curtailed HP’s potential trajectory. People show their true colors when they are under pressure. I am glad for you and your organization that HP’s pettiness was revealed before they got into a position to do some real damage.

We can speculate about what caused HP to fail to rise to their best self, but there is no way to really know. It doesn’t matter in the end. You have given them every opportunity—which, as you say, they have squandered, blaming you for their own failures.

Clearly, you err on the side of giving people the benefit of the doubt, and you’re a big believer in second—not to mention third and fourth—chances. Which is to your credit. In this case, however, you are still giving them everything you’ve got while they haven’t been bothered to meet you at all, let alone halfway.

I have only growth tip for you: You must not be more generous with others than you are with yourself. You can be generous, kind, and caring while maintaining a standard for civility and decency.

What should you do about HP? You didn’t ask me that, but I can’t help myself.

Take off your rose-colored glasses and stop taking HP’s behavior personally. I understand why you feel hurt after all your efforts, but this isn’t about you. This person has declined every opportunity to do the right thing and needs to go. The sooner you replace them and eliminate the toxicity they bring to the team, the better. More to the point: the risk you run by letting HP’s antics continue is that you could lose the respect of the rest of your people. Don’t let that happen.

I wish you luck.

With admiration, respect, and, as always, love,

Madeleine

About Madeleine

Irresponsible Colleague Is Taking Advantage of You? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 20 Jul 2024 10:45:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

About six months ago, I went above and beyond to help out a new colleague. He had misread a deadline and needed to scramble to get a bunch of time-sensitive work done over a long weekend.

I willingly jumped in to help him, finding documents, getting permission to give him access to materials, and bothering lots of different people over the weekend on his behalf. He seemed to appreciate it, but never really went out of his way to thank me or anyone else who had put themselves out for him during this time.

Something similar happened recently, over another long weekend. I got a call from him at 9PM on Friday night, but I was without my phone during that time and didn’t notice the call until Saturday morning. When I called him back he declined the call, but then sent me an email detailing all the things he needed me to do for him over the weekend. None of it, let me be clear, was part of my job—and it again was an emergency for him. I was annoyed, but politely replied that I was tied up for the whole weekend including Monday (which was true) and would not be able to help him. I did suggest a few others who might have some free time to be able to help.

Well. He sent me an email back that was just nasty and cc’d my boss and his boss. He said I was unreliable, not a team player, and made it sound like I had promised to help him and then flaked out, which is not true. I am stunned—and hopping mad. I have written several different replies that all sound whiny and defensive, but haven’t sent any. I just don’t know quite how to share what really happened here without making myself look worse than I already do.

Would appreciate your input on this.

Put Out and Defensive

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Put Out and Defensive,

It is really smart not to send any emails written while you are hopping mad. All I can think is that you somehow led this person to believe that you would always drop everything to help him. This is not your fault, per se, and people have created false expectations based on a lot less.

It seems like your colleague is disorganized or possibly overextended, and perhaps his stress just got the best of him. Or he is a bully who knows how to target nice people, and you stood up to him. Either way, the good news here is that he probably won’t prey on your goodwill again because, boy, did he burn that bridge.

Only you really know how to respond based on your own understanding of your company’s culture. Is there an expectation (explicit or implicit) that everyone is always available even when they are officially “off”? Even if that is true, these kinds of expectations usually apply only to team members who are on the hook for time-sensitive responses—and then, when they know they will be out of reach, they arrange for someone to cover for them. I don’t see how you could possibly manage the expectations of everyone in the company, other than putting something in your email signature line in advance and making it clear in your out-of-office response that you are not available.

I can say this: sitting far outside of your work environment, it sounds to me like your colleague was way out of line, and you owe him nothing. Not even a response. The only thing to be done is to send an email to your boss and his boss explaining your side of the story. Keep it brief, clear—and, to the extent possible, keep out the part about how personal it feels to you. Just the facts.

Hopefully, your boss knows you: that you are normally open to helping out when you can and that you are, in fact, a reliable team player. It seems clear that this colleague is the one who tries to make his own lack of planning an emergency for everyone else, even people whose jobs do not include helping him. If your boss doesn’t know you, it might be worth picking up the phone and having a conversation.

I suspect your colleague’s boss has seen other instances of irresponsible selfish behavior from him. It is almost certainly a pattern that has shown up elsewhere. Other than rationally setting the record straight, I don’t think there is much to do there.

Getting mad is appropriate, and you are smart enough to know that letting it show won’t be a good look. Just stand up for yourself by sharing what happened, and then let it go.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Disappointed with a New Executive Hire? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 13 Jul 2024 11:46:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional president for a global services company. One of my executive team members recently retired, leaving rather suddenly as the result of an unexpected health issue. We interviewed some candidates to replace him but, ultimately, I took his recommendation to go with the person who had been his chief of staff/second in command.

She interviewed well, outlined her vision and plans, and referred to herself as “strategic” multiple times. She has a lot going for her. But she has been in the role six months now and is just not stepping up the way I had been led to expect. I’m not seeing the strategic capability I need.

I know I’ve been spoiled by having a mature, experienced executive team for a long time. But I find I have little patience when providing detailed direction to someone who I think should not need it at this level. I struggle to explain exactly what she should be doing differently, but I think I’ll know it when I see it.

There are days I want to just call it a bad hire and try again—but I also don’t want to waste more time getting someone from outside the organization up to speed. Part of me feels like I should give her a chance to prove herself.

We are located in South America, so things get slow with vacations, etc. She is out for the next two weeks, and I want to be ready with a plan when she comes back. Any ideas?

Disappointed

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

At the risk of insulting you, “I’ll know it when I see it” is just not good leadership. It is possible your new person won’t have what it takes to succeed, but I can guarantee that if you continue to make her guess what that is, you will both be miserable.

The leap from second in command to executive in charge of an entire business function is notoriously fraught for anyone. Based on my experience coaching clients who have been promoted into executive roles, the biggest shock is that they are expected to make recommendations and decisions. Most people, prior to becoming a senior executive, have spent their entire careers enjoying the luxury of knowing someone else is responsible for making decisions that will be either the right ones or the wrong ones. Mistakes at this level have massive consequences, and to suddenly be the one potentially making them can be terrifying enough to cause paralysis.

In addition, I think it can be especially challenging to join an intact executive team that has been together for years. You all have a shared history, language, and way of operating together that will take a newcomer a while to learn how to navigate.

I have some ideas that will help you be ready for your newbie’s return from holiday and get you both on a promising trajectory.

I agree that bringing someone in from the outside will take more time than getting your new exec where you want her to be. It will solve some issues and present a set of new ones. Either way, there are things you will need to do for a brand-new person and/or your existing person.

1. Integrate the Person into the Executive Team

Work with your HR Business partner to create a new Team Charter that lays out the mission of your executive team, the exact roles of each team member, and the behavioral and communication norms you can all agree to. You had this with your former team: a set of implicit rules you all abided by that probably developed organically over time. It is so subtle you didn’t even realize what you had until it was gone—but if you want to get it back, you will have to be intentional about it.

If you are like most senior leaders you will find this kind of work unbearably tedious, but I promise it will be worth it. It will give everyone on your executive team a chance to reboot and create clarity about what is expected by and of each member of the team. For more detail about that, here is an eBook that may help. This will lay the foundation for the next step.

2. Find a Way to Express Exactly what a Good Job Looks Like

I know you struggle with practicing patience, which I can understand, but putting a little effort into articulating what you need will pay off. It will either provide the clarity your new executive needs to succeed, or it will provide you with the evidence you need to replace her.

To get the kind of detail required, ask yourself some questions:

What did your former exec do that made him so great?
What did he not do?
What are you hoping for that you are not seeing?
What do you wish your new exec would do more of? Less of? Start doing? Stop doing?
What needs doing that you take for granted and you think is obvious to everyone?

You have been a senior leader for so long, you and your team have forgotten how you got to be so competent. Consider these strategic management behaviors:

Articulating and sharing vision and overall objectives
Formulating goals
Assessing internal environment and external threats
Creating action plans to achieve goals
Planning organizational structures and resource allocation
Process re-engineering
Providing direction and support to one’s own team
Being a role model for organizational values and culture
Leading change initiatives
Evaluating results and responding accordingly

Use this to create your own list. What is missing from this list? What is on this list that isn’t important to you? Hopefully, getting to this level of detail will help you identify the exact areas where your new executive is falling behind.

Once you have made it crystal clear to your new team member what you need from her, only then will you know if she will be able to rise to the job. Otherwise, you are expecting her to read your mind, which isn’t clear to begin with. I expect if you hired a new person for this role, you would find yourself with the exact same problem.

After you have done a little bit of re-chartering with your senior team and have made clear what a good job looks like, you will need to bolster your newbie’s confidence. It will take time for her to get her feet under her, to trust what she knows, and to develop the courage of her own convictions. If you have done your part, she will feel more integrated with her new peers and be able to hear and respond to your direction.

I hope, for both of you, that she surprises you.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Need to Influence Senior Leaders about Staffing? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 06 Jul 2024 10:47:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of customer support specialists. The job requires in-depth knowledge of our products (outdoor/climbing gear, some of it very technical), so we have provided a lot of training and oversight.

In the past year we lost two of our best people, and the executive team refused to let me replace them. Things have gone okay since then; we have had to extend wait times for customers and haven’t received a ton of complaints—but now I am feeling the pinch.

Our company offers unlimited PTO and I have two employees who submitted their time-off request at around the same time. I know my team can barely cover when one person goes out on vacation, let alone two people. Normally I would just approve PTO for the first person who got their request in, but one of them is getting married and the other has a daughter who is getting married.

I just can’t say no, obviously. But the situation is not good: summer is our busiest season and I am really worried about how we are going to manage the volume. If one of my people gets sick, we will have a full emergency on our hands.

I just don’t see how this minimum staffing policy is sustainable. The whole thing is stressing me out. I am having nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.

I like the company. I think our products are amazing, I love our people, and I’ve always loved my job. I get calls from headhunters all the time—which I have always politely declined—but now I’m feeling like maybe I should pay attention.

I know I need to convince the higher-ups that it would be in the best interests of the company to restore the original size of the team, but I am not sure how. I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Squeezed

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Squeezed,

This sounds tough—and familiar. The days of do more with less are clearly here to stay. In your case, it sounds like it has passed that point and now you are expected to pull a rabbit out of a hat. And it is taking a very real toll. People (including you) need to take vacations and attend big family events.

I appreciate that you are eyeing potentially greener grass, but learning to how to make and argue a business case is a skill that will serve you well.

In my experience, executives tend to not be that receptive to emotional distress. But they do pay attention to math and to issues that threaten the brand’s reputation—essentially, anything that could affect revenue.

Start tracking the data on wait times and complaints. It might also be smart to check your reviews to see if comments about slow service are showing up or have significantly increased. You say you haven’t received “a ton” of complaints, which implies you are receiving more than usual. Do a little research. Find data about wait times for support and what people are willing to tolerate. How much is too much time?

If your brand promise is built on customer service, increased wait times will absolutely erode the company’s reputation. Do whatever you can to clearly show that reduced access to customer service will eventually hurt sales, if it hasn’t already. The key is to use facts and data to create a compelling narrative. Include charts and graphs to influence the visual executives.

When it is time to make your case, be ready to state your position: customer service is understaffed and it is hurting our business and our reputation. Then concisely share how you arrived at your position. Be prepared for questions and pushback. Know what is stated in the employee handbook regarding PTO and vacation time. Practice with a friend to ensure that you stick to the facts—and keep emotion out of it.

This might get you one more person.

It would also behoove you to brainstorm other ideas with your team for how to solve the problem, so that you can offer solutions other than increased headcount. Ideas might include:

Cross-train others in the organization so that they can cover when your people are out on PTO.
Train temps who are willing to come in on a substitute basis. Perhaps the people who left might be willing to fill in on occasion.
Use technology (AI, increased information on the website) to help your team manage the load with fewer people.

I found a very interesting report on customer service that might expand your thinking about solutions. It wouldn’t hurt to sharpen your own expertise in order to be as informed as possible about what other companies are doing. The more you know and are able to demonstrate you have done your homework, the greater the chance your senior team will listen to you.

Most companies have been focused on reducing expenses and becoming as lean as humanly possible. It doesn’t occur to anyone that it all works fine until someone needs a day or a week off. There must be extra coverage to account for the fact that you (inconveniently) employ humans.

Try your hand at advocating for what you need to keep your part of the business running smoothly, Squeezed. Get as smart as you can about your business to see how you might get creative.

If you can’t make headway, maybe it would be smart to take some of those calls from headhunters. If you must leave the company to maintain your own sanity, your company will have no one to blame but themselves.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Have A Reputation for Being Moody? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 29 Jun 2024 11:27:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I run a rapidly growing not-for-profit. I put together a great board, our fundraising efforts paid off, and I have a great team.

In a recent chat, my head of accounting made a crack about needing to wait to share something with me because he wanted to catch me “in the right mood.” I called him and asked him to explain what he meant. He was kind of surprised I called him out on something he expected me not to notice, and was obviously afraid he had offended me. After several attempts, he finally spilled it. What he said really has me thinking.

The bottom line of his message was that I am really moody. No one on the team ever knows what state I will be in. They are always nervous I will be in “one of my moods,” and they know to watch for it and avoid me on those days.

I was shocked and offended, but I knew enough not to take it out on him. The truth is, I am moody. I have always been moody. I am super creative, I have a really high IQ, and it drives me nuts when I have to slow down or explain something more than once. I have very high highs and very low lows. I thought I was managing it so people didn’t notice, and it embarrasses me to admit this when it is so obvious now how wrong I was. I didn’t realize how much of an effect my moodiness has on my team. But now that I really look at it, I can see how it has impacted all of my personal relationships, not just work ones.

I know I need to do something about this. All my online results are trying to convince me that I have a personality disorder and need therapy and/or drugs, but that feels like overkill. I just don’t know what I can do on my own or where to start. I would appreciate your take on this.

Moody

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Dear Moody,

“The hardest thing about being a leader is that you have to behave yourself all day.”

Lee Cockerell, who was the executive vice president of operations for Walt Disney World^® Resort for ten years and who trained over 7000 leaders for Disney, said this when he spoke at one of our company events about a decade ago.

At the time, my husband and I caught each other’s eye across an auditorium of people because we had never heard that truth stated quite so succinctly. And because he was speaking to us.

This statement is true for every leader, but it is more of a challenge for people who are super intense, who think and move quickly, and who have more ideas than they know what to do with.

You have self-awareness, Moody, which is a critical important first step. In addition, you got the memo that your natural tendencies are impacting others in a way that is eroding your effectiveness, which is the important second step. So you can pat yourself on the back and give yourself a little credit.

The next step is to dig deep to find the motivation you need and to practice the self-regulation you need to change your behavior. You may be able to tap into the purpose that drove you to start a not-for-profit in the first place. Another possible angle is to decide once and for all that your job is to serve your people, not to serve yourself and your moods. You are a powerful person, Moody, and you have power as well. It is important to always remember that your job is to use your personal and position power for good.

Finally, you will need to address your moodiness. This is a two-pronged project. You will need to do two things:

Figure out what causes your mood swings to see if you can make some changes.
Find ways to manage your behavior when you are in the grips of a mood.

These are two different things and the distinction is important. Many people mix the two together, which is what causes confusion.

1. Reducing the wild swings

You can start this one on your own. If you can’t make headway, enlist the help of a professional. Start right now by noticing your mood patterns. What affects your mood? Things to examine:

Lifestyle: There are so many lifestyle factors that can affect mood: Sleep, caffeine, exercise, meditation/yoga/prayer, diet, proper hydration. It is astonishing the extent to which blood sugar can affect mood, not to mention our ability to moderate our own impulses. So make sure you eat high-quality foods on a regular basis. Also, the effects of using alcohol and other substances can take a toll on mood. I know this is obvious, but what may not be so obvious is that it gets harder for the body to metabolize what are essentially neurotoxins as we age, and sometimes it takes a while for people to register that they can no longer get away with the same stuff they could in their youth.
Fun: Are you having any? Are you doing enough of the things that bring you joy?
Tolerations: Take stock of all the seemingly small things you are putting up with, such as: A light bulb in the fridge needs replacing, but you only remember when you open it and can’t find what you are looking for. There’s a re-occurring charge on your credit card for an app or service you thought you’d cancelled. The temperature regulation in your shower is wonky so you either get scalded or shocked, and the next available date the plumber can come is weeks away. None of these things are a big deal in the grand scheme, but boy, when they start to add up, it can really push you over the edge. Tolerations need to get handled by either delegating them or making the time yourself.
Pay attention to what elicits a radical change in your mood. Once you have a sense of what throws you off, consider what you can change: what can you eliminate or delegate or avoid? How can you change the way you focus your time and attention?

2. Regulating your own behavior despite moods

Protect yourself and others from your moods. If you are having a bad day, move meetings and do something that doesn’t require you to interact with others—admin work, research, writing, etc.
If you get seriously triggered, go for a walk around the block and let yourself cool off.
You can lose your mind and write whatever you want to express how you feel, or record on your phone whatever you want to say to someone you are annoyed with. But you can never send that email, text, or voicemail. JUST DON’T SEND. You can always revise when you feel more reasonable. You will never, ever regret something you didn’t say in the heat of the moment.

The skill to learn that will help you to both even out your moods and manage yourself when your mood goes dark is mindfulness. It is a big buzzword right now, and everyone has a book or class or program to sell you. Don’t let me keep you from educating yourself, but you can start practicing right now by simply noticing—paying attention—to your thoughts and feelings as they occur, with curiosity and without judging. This will build on your initial self-awareness and help you understand your own weather systems better. Keep notes on what you notice, what works, and what doesn’t.

Don’t try to do everything all at once; choose one thing to start with. Start small and don’t give up. If you can’t stick to it alone, this is a perfect thing to work on with a coach.

If you find that you can’t manage your moods with lifestyle changes, eliminating a lot of dumb stuff that sets you off, and finding more joy in your life, find a mental health professional to address underlying issues you may have. Any decent coach will know to refer you to a therapist if that is what is needed.

If not now, when? This isn’t something to leave for later. Your efforts will make a massive difference—to you, the people you work with, and the people you live with. And of course, to the success of your business.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure How to Push Back Against Work that Isn’t Yours? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 22 Jun 2024 10:29:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work on a team that has had a lot of turnover in the last couple of years. Although our company is very big, over time I have learned who to call to get things done. I am now considered our team’s “answer lady.”

The situation has slowly morphed into people asking me to forward their email instead of taking the next step themselves. I now spend time taking care of a lot of tasks that aren’t mine. In addition, my boss has had a lot going on in her personal life, so I frequently fill in for her.

I recently realized a lot of small things have added up to me doing so much more than I think is fair, and I am starting to get annoyed. How do I push back when my co-workers try to fob their work off on me? And how do I tell my boss I can’t fill in as much as she’d like? I have my own personal life to attend to, after all.

Answer Lady

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Answer Lady,

How do you push back? How do you tell your boss enough is enough?

Directly, clearly, and kindly, but firmly. That’s how.

You are training your co-workers to believe you will take care of things they don’t know how (or want) to do. You are training your boss to believe you can do your job and hers, too. So cut it out.

I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming you—I’m not. This happens to most people whose first impulse is to be helpful until they realize they have created a problem for themselves. The problem is if you send the message that it is okay for someone to do something, they will keep doing it for as long as you allow it. So you must stop allowing it.

This might be uncomfortable and challenging at first because you have to set new expectations and retrain people, which will be inconvenient for them. You may even find that some folks get upset—but remember, the only people who get upset with you for setting boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them. If you shy away from conflict, which I suspect is the case, this will certainly be unpleasant. But a moment of unpleasantness in exchange for not being annoyed all the time is worth it.

Next time a co-worker assumes you will take the next steps, clearly state who they should speak with and ask them to let you know how things work out. Do not volunteer to take over, forward an email, or get involved. Just stop taking on other people’s work.

As for your boss, I think it is fair for you to have a conversation with her. You can share that you wanted to help out because you know she has been having a rough time, but your workload is becoming unmanageable. Be prepared with a list of what you think makes sense for you to continue to do on her behalf until things settle down for her, and a list of activities you feel are way beyond your job scope.

This is, of course, unless you want to ask for a promotion and a raise. If you think it makes sense, you can certainly prepare to do that. You might want to rehearse with a friend how to frame your request so that you have a clean, concise approach. Something along the lines of “I understand you need coverage, and I wonder if it would make sense for you to deputize me for the duration? It might mean changing my title and possibly a bump in pay.” Avoid complaining. Instead, point out the reality and share some proposed solutions. Be kind but clear. The more you can keep feelings and emotions out of it, the easier the conversation will be for both of you.

The beauty of putting some time into practicing setting boundaries is that people often will sense the shift in you and stop asking you to do things they shouldn’t ask you to do. I am not quite sure how this happens, but I have experienced it myself and seen it happen for countless clients. But it doesn’t always. You still need to be ready to draw a line in the sand.

Start today. Stand up for yourself before you get so annoyed you say something you regret. It’s much better to strike while the iron is cold and say what needs to be said before you get heated up.

There is helping out in a pinch, and then there is letting people take advantage of you—which will continue to happen until you put up the hand.

Good luck!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Too Good a Listener? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 15 Jun 2024 12:15:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I had a big job and got a lot of manager training early in my working life. Then a series of events (I had a child with special needs, then another one, parents needing care, husband making enough to sustain the family) conspired to make me leave the workforce for about a decade.

I recently took what I intended to be a sales associate job in a large retail store. I wanted something that wouldn’t be too taxing and would bring in a little extra cash while my kids were in school. I was quickly promoted to a manager position.

I enjoy the work. It is low stress in that I don’t take work home with me. My problem is this: there is a rotating cast of characters in hourly positions who all report to me. The store offers a lot of flexibility, so we attract college kids on their summer break, young moms, retirees, etc. I have regular one-on-one meetings with each of them.

I have found the more I listen to people (something I am good at), the more they will talk. They tell me so much more than I need to hear. People call me at all hours to ask for advice, update me on a situation, or sometimes share good news.

My husband teases me and calls me the Doctor (based on Lucy in the Charlie Brown comics) and rolls his eyes at the number of calls and texts that come in my off hours.

I love these people, but I feel like they are eating at my life and I don’t know how to stop them. I don’t really even want to stop it, so much as control it. I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

The Doctor Is In

_____________________________________________________________________________

Dear The Doctor Is In,

I understand your frustration. As problems go, this is a good one. Having listening as a superpower is indeed a gift—but like most gifts, it can be a double-edged sword. This means your gift has a dark side and you have found it.

When I was training to become a coach and developing my own listening skills, I experienced the exact same thing. The more we listen, the more people talk. It is so rare to find someone who really listens—without interrupting, hijacking the conversation, making it about themselves, or outlining a solution—that once the floodgates open, it can be hard to close them. You have inadvertently stumbled over a universal law: the more you listen with empathy and compassion, the more people will talk.

I know the Doctor thing is a joke—but the fact is, you have been placing yourself in service to others. To be heard and listened to is extremely healing. It is no accident that millions of people make a profession of listening.

The question: how to control it.

The answer: ground rules and boundaries.

You are a manager, so it is fair to set the expectation that all conversations between you and your direct reports have a time limit and should revolve around work. Keep your questions focused on the job and the work environment and keep any curiosity you may have about the person’s life in check. Topics could revolve around these themes:

Do people have what they need to do the job?
How is their schedule working; do they need to make changes?
Is there anything you can do to make their time at work more engaging or pleasant?

When issues begin to stray, gently redirect back to work topics.

It may be tricky to curtail your entanglement with people you already have a relatively personal relationship with, so focus first on new employees and getting the newest manager/employee relationships off on the right foot. Set your ground rules as expectations in the beginning when you explain what a 1×1 is. It will probably feel weird to you because you’ll have some habits to break, but a little discipline will go a long way.

Setting boundaries may take some practice. In your case, though, it is surprisingly simple. You took the job specifically because you wanted to leave work at work and spend your personal time doing other things (in your case, taking care of your family). I think it is supremely reasonable to reply to anyone from work who contacts you off hours with a polite and firm text message such as: “I am at home focused on my family right now, and look forward to speaking with you tomorrow when we are at work.”

For the people who are used to having after-hours access to you, it may help to speak to them about the impending change. For new people, you will set the expectation up front. For more on boundaries, I am a fan of the work of Dr. Henry Cloud.

It might be useful to think about what core need you are getting met that has gotten you into this pickle. Allowing your needs to drive your behavior isn’t a bad thing, until it starts interfering with how you function or how you want to design your life. The key is to find a way to get needs met that doesn’t cost you more than you want to pay. In your case, it is probably a deep need for connection and/or to help others. This is a classic psychological driver—and, as many people in the helping professions will tell you, the need for help out there is infinite. So if you don’t manage your own needs and set boundaries for how much you are willing and able to give, people will take and take until there is nothing left of you.

You have a big and loving heart, Doctor. The world could use a lot more people like you. Only you can take the required steps to treat that heart with the respect and care it deserves. That way you can keep on giving and still have enough left for yourself and your family for the rest of your life.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

CEO Is Making A Colossal Mistake—and You’re Holding the Bag? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 08 Jun 2024 14:19:57 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am the COO for a medium sized, mostly US-based specialty product business. Our CEO was always the idea guy and I was execution. Our business used to be straightforward, but we recently expanded with services and a couple of storefronts—against my recommendation.

Our CEO is a visionary and expects his executive team to figure things out. I thought we might be okay until I realized our CFO and the person who leads our IT department are completely in over their heads. The CFO has no experience at all with the complexities of offering services, how to get people paid, etc., and our technology guy keeps suggesting new software platforms, none of which seem to work with one another. We are spending more money than we anticipated. I feel like we are in a free fall, but my CEO has no interest in details.

I am at my wits’ end. I can’t possibly solve all our problems by myself. We had a perfectly good business, and I am furious with my CEO for blowing it all up. I told him making these big moves before we had some infrastructure in place was going to be a train wreck, but he becomes less reasonable by the day.

Part of me just wants to throw my hands up and walk away. I would lose equity but the way things are going, it will be a share of not much. The CEO and I were friends but the friendship seems to have gone down the tubes. I’m just not sure any of this can be salvaged. Thoughts?

Free Fall

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Free Fall,

Well, you won’t be the first person in history to not be able to stop someone from making colossal mistakes only to end up holding the bag, and you won’t be the last. I am so, so sorry.

I think you already know what you are going to do, Free Fall. What you read next will only confirm it.

There are a few separate issues here. I will list them out and I don’t claim to have the priorities in the right order. Some of these things are more fixable than others.

Your people do not have the skill sets required to lead the new parts of the business. (This can be fixed. Not as quickly as you’d like, but still.)
There was not enough time spent planning and getting the right resources in place to pull off these big plans. (This is blood under the bridge—you can’t change the past.)
Your CEO seems to have abdicated all responsibility, possibly after having lost his mind. (I suspect this is not something you can influence, since you have already tried.)
The relationship between the two of you seems to be damaged beyond repair (unless, over time, you decide to let bygones be bygones).
It sounds like you have a very lean operation with no other executives to support you. (It is hard to tell from your letter. If there are, in fact, some competent folks who can help, now is the time to call on them.)
Your anger and frustration are clouding your ability to think straight. (This you have control over. The sooner you get hold of yourself, the better.)

Does that sound right?

I think your first job is to find a way to calm down so that you can make your first big decision: Is this worth fighting for or not? Whatever you normally do to calm yourself down will work: meditation, prayer, exercise, listening to opera. Turn off your phone. Take a night off and calm yourself down. Get a decent night’s sleep. Then if, as you have expressed, you are truly on your own here, ask yourself whether you have it in you to tackle this situation and get it turned around. If the answer is a hard no, there you have it.

If you do think you might have it in you, decide exactly what you are willing to do and for how long. The length of time matters; otherwise you will be stuck seeing the whole mess through to either success or failure, and who knows how long that will take. You’ll want to be at your best, and if you are overcome by your anger and frustration, you will need to find a way to park that or let it go.

Accepting the stark reality of the situation is the only way you will see what needs to be done. I am not saying your CEO isn’t to blame for your pain and suffering—I am saying putting a lot of energy into placing blame is not a good use of your time.

You might consider getting your CEO to agree, in writing, to a hefty bonus if you are able to turn things around. That might help you find the motivation to save the day.

Let’s say you put a stake in the ground and decide “Okay, I am going to give this my all for three months.” Then make a list of everything that needs doing. You are smart enough to know most of what needs to be done even if you don’t know how to do it. These things might include:

Get help: call on a friend or mentor with business savvy for advice.
Hire someone who knows what they are doing, or at the very least a consultant who can work on a contract basis.
Make a plan of what to do and in what order.
Delay anything that can be delayed.
Tackle the big problems first and knock them down, one by one.

If this all makes you feel the kind of despair that makes you want to go to bed for the rest of your life, again you have your answer: either this has gone too far to fix or you just don’t care anymore.

Once you get all the emotion out of the way, it will be much easier to see the full reality and assess your willingness and ability to rise to the challenge.

At this point you are either thinking “I can do this” or “Run, don’t walk away from this mess.”

I wish you clarity, and the courage of your convictions.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Teammate Keeps Taking Credit for Your Ideas? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 01 Jun 2024 11:52:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I was lucky to land an incredibly cool job right out of school. I am in digital marketing and work on a team that supports influencers and artists, each with their own defined brand profiles. As a team, we are constantly sharing ideas, brainstorming, and coming up with creative new angles to suggest to our clients.

My problem is that one of my colleagues, who has kind of become a friend, seems to be developing a habit of telling people my ideas are actually hers. It is jarring! In our weekly meetings, my boss gives her credit for some of my original ideas. It took me a while to figure this out, but someone else on the team also noticed it so I started paying closer attention.

I haven’t said anything yet, I honestly don’t know what to say. My boss constantly talks about what a great team we are, “better together” and all that. How can I deal with this without looking like I’m throwing shade like a big whiny baby? I don’t want anyone to think I am not a team player, but I also don’t want someone else to get credit for my ideas. Plus, it is impacting the new friendship because I don’t trust her anymore.

I brought this up with some close friends and I am getting advice that’s all over the place. What do you think?

Idea Thief on the Loose

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Idea Thief on the Loose,

I will admit to having a reflexive reaction—that your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself.

Then I employed my usual process, which is to apply universal laws or principles that have proven to be sound over decades of use:

Give people the benefit of the doubt until you have clear evidence they do not deserve that benefit.
If you are feeling paranoid you might be right, unless it is a pattern for you.
If you have strong evidence your instincts are usually correct, you should trust them.

Which brings me back to my initial thought: Your “friend” is a snake in the grass, and you should immediately find ways to protect yourself. It is sad because there is nothing so grand as working with a thought partner or team where everyone has good ideas, people give each other credit, and the trust and synergy is so high that nobody can even remember whose idea something was.

Heeding your own experience is just smart. The worst case would be that you are wrong, Idea Thief is able to rebuild trust with you, you make a good friend, and you learn something. The best case would be that you send a message you are not to be messed with.

The question is what to do about it. How can you protect yourself without seeming oversensitive and risking being perceived as less than a team player?

Here are some thoughts:

Build advocacy in the group: If someone else on the team has noticed it, it won’t be long before others do, too. There might be a way to arrange for someone other than you to point out when Idea Thief acts as if something you said was her idea.
Don’t waste time second-guessing yourself or speculating about Idea Thief’s motives. It won’t help you.
If you are still spending one-on-one time with Idea Thief, under no circumstances should you talk about work, share what you are working on, or in any way reveal what you are thinking about. You may notice she tries to get you talking—resist the urge.
It might be tricky, but if you trust your boss you could share your concerns with them. Tricky because you don’t want to come across as a credit hog, but you do think it is important that credit be given to whom it is due. You can certainly explain that to your manager. You can also explain that you understand how lots of great ideas come from iterating with the team, but you think it is important for your boss to know where some of those ideas originated. You don’t have to whine about it but you do have to make sure they know what’s what.

I also consulted a couple of my own trusted advisors—one young person in particular told me she has seen this happen on teams and has been in your shoes. She is a few years ahead of you career-wise, and has worked in some high-pressure, cutthroat environments. Here is her advice:

“This is a growth opportunity for the letter writer; a chance for them to regularly document their ideas for visibility. It sounds like the leader isn’t doing a whole lot of leading; they are placing their focus on generating new ideas and not taking the time to see the people behind those ideas. The writer needs to bring the receipts: if they haven’t already, they must start their own independent documentation of what they bring to the table. If the manager is overlooking the person’s ideas and contributions now, what do they think will happen in their performance reviews? It’s time to protect themselves. If they have a 1:1 document shared with their manager, it’s time to start taking stock of what they bring to the team. If I were the employee, in my next 1:1 I would ask my leader for feedback on how I present my ideas. Maybe they aren’t presenting their ideas in a confident way to the group, and it allows the other person to steal their moment.”

I think that pretty much says it all, my friend. The idea of documenting all your interactions and contributions is a really good one. It might seem self-interested to you now, but the discipline will, in fact, serve you very well over time. In most businesses, yours in particular, the competition will only become more intense over time. You will always be your own best advocate. Your radar for people who don’t have your back will also be useful.

You don’t need to become a Machiavellian manipulator, but you can’t be naive either. The good news is if you stay the course and end up in a leadership position, you will be good at noticing who brings what to the table. You will have the luxury of not needing to take credit and happily sharing it with your people. I wish for you to find a super high-trust team to work with in the future, but until then: be strong, be fierce, and don’t let anyone take anything from you that you aren’t willing to give.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure You Should Be So Career Focused? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 25 May 2024 12:11:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a young professional woman in the biotech space. I started with one company right out of college and then was recruited away to the company I am with now. I double majored in biology and business, and my company is paying for me to get an MBA right now. I love my job, I love school, and I have big dreams to someday be a member of a team that uncovers new medical approaches with plant compounds.

Here is my dilemma: I spend time with my friends from college (not much, because of work and grad school), and the conversation always seems to turn to balancing career and life, not wanting to be a slave to a company, and not letting our job define us. Most of my friends are pairing up, and it seems that one person (usually the woman) tends to sacrifice their ambition for their partner.

I don’t say much in these conversations because I don’t want to have to defend myself. But the fact is that I am delighted to work all the time, I love what I am doing, and I think my dreams and ambitions very much define me.

My mother is worried I am going to end up alone and will regret being so career-focused right now. Also, she wants grandchildren and I am not at all certain I even want to have kids.

What do you think? Am I making a mistake?

All In for Work

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear All In for Work,

Short answer: No. It is a beautiful thing to have a compelling mission. It makes life super fun and interesting. As long as you are reasonably happy, this can make for a very rewarding life—and you sound perfectly happy right now. There is no reason to let yourself be pressured by peers who aren’t having the same experience you are having. Or by your mother (sorry, Mom), who, of course, wants only the best for you but does not seem to see who you truly are. There is one moment in your life when you can focus on your work with no distractions or obligations, and it is now. I say enjoy the heck out of it while it lasts.

Longer answer:

I was born in 1960, so when I was at your stage in life I was being fed what turned out to be a bit of a lie (from the older wave of Boomers) that “women can have it all.” My experience was that women can have it all, just not all at the same time. The other secrets no one mentioned was that the women who want it all need to have three critical things:

An unusual amount of stamina. The person who needs to get a solid ten hours of sleep every night, to exercise for at least an hour a day, and to meditate for another hour is going to have a tough time raising kids and crushing a career.
A job situation which allows a great deal of flexibility to get work done on their own schedule.
A partner (eventually) who is as dedicated to their success as they are to their own.

The thing you have now that so many generations of women didn’t have is choice.

Keep this in mind: the best thing you can do for yourself is keep your options open as you go. As you near your thirties and find yourself on the fence about having kids, you can always freeze your eggs. What you are noticing about how one partner in a relationship tends to sacrifice opportunities is statistically accurate. So if you meet a potential partner who feels right for you, make sure you are upfront about your ambitions and be clear that is not something you are signed up to do, so there is never any confusion. Many young people make the decision to become part of a duo out of fear of ending up alone, but I can tell you from where I stand that making big life decisions out of fear rarely turns out well.

You are asking the right questions, All In. The key is to keep checking in with yourself on a regular basis to make sure you still want exactly what you have created and are creating for yourself. Values—the things most important to us—do change. And yours may change. You just don’t want that to happen without noticing it. The thing you most want to avoid is regret. The more experience and education you accrue, the more choices you will generate for yourself.

You are one hundred percent allowed to design your own life exactly the way you want. Everyone you talk to will have an opinion about it (including me!) and, as interesting as the opinions may be, the only one that matters is yours. As long as you are keeping your options open and your finger on the pulse of what matters most to you, you will be ready to pivot quickly should you desire.

So go, go, go! Study hard, work harder, and enjoy your progress. As long as you stay tuned in to your inner voice, you will be just fine.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Afraid of Being Labeled a Micromanager? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 18 May 2024 12:25:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

My company offers a lot of classes, and about six months ago I learned SLII^®. I have been managing people for about a decade and honestly, learning SLII^® changed everything for me. I realized my biggest issue was that I hold back when it comes to giving people crystal clear direction or providing close oversight when people are starting a new task or embarking on a goal that is new to them.

Early in my career, I read a lot about the horrors of micromanagement—and I have always hated being micromanaged myself—so I think I have often over-corrected to avoid ever being accused of it. But now in hindsight, I see that caused any number of problems.

Here is my situation: I work from home a couple days a week, and quite recently my husband got a new job which allows him to do the same. The other day, he was walking by my office and overheard a conversation I was having with a new hire. We hired this person specifically to have someone tackle a massive technical job that has been backlogged for a long time. It is critical that the job be done in a way that doesn’t mess up a bunch of other systems. So I have been using a Style 1 with her—giving her very clear direction and giving her daily checklists for practicing in a demo system before I let her loose on the real thing. She is picking it up very fast, but the system was custom built for our company, so she has never worked in it.

Later in the day, my husband casually remarked that I am “really bossy.” He was kind of teasing me, but it threw me for a loop. I tried to explain that the person I was speaking to is new and really needs the clarity I was trying to give her.

I am now back in the uncertainty and fear of all the negative things that come with the word bossy. We had a joke about Bossy Cow in our house when our kids were little, but I am not laughing.

Am I a—

Bossy Cow?

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Bossy Cow,

Oh, my dear, I hear your pain and confusion.

Before we dive in, I just want to provide a little context about SLII^® and what Style 1 means. SLII^® is a leadership model that helps managers offer their team member the best mix of clear direction and support as they tackle a specific task, depending on their mix of competence and confidence on that task. In that context, a Style One (or S1), means giving clear directions and painting a picture of what a good job looks like—with step-by-step instruction, if needed. For a deeper dive on this, here is an e-book that will provide more detail for those who want it.

Okay my friend, I will not call you Bossy Cow, because you are not one. What you are is someone who is clearly setting your new employee up to crush it. You are, in short, someone who is doing her job.

Please forgive me for succumbing to my own frustration around gender stereotyping and bias that tends to be a sore spot for many women. There is a meme that’s been around forever that points out that when little boys boss people around they are showing leadership ability, but when little girls do it, they are just bossy. It is so tiresome. And you know what? I think your husband could have inadvertently poked at that sore spot. This may not even be true for you, but now I have gotten it out of my system so I can move on.

Part of what causes burnout or apathy for people in organizations is when they don’t really know what is expected of them at work, or aren’t getting enough feedback to know whether they are doing a good enough job or how to get better.

One recent study found that only 45% of younger workers (those under 35) clearly know what is expected of them at work. Seriously, how can anyone be expected to do a good job if they aren’t sure what the job is?

Another one found that 96% of employees say getting regular feedback is a good thing.

Setting people up to be successful takes a lot of time and attention. You are clearly providing your newbie with plenty of both. This is a good thing. But, more important, you are establishing a partnership with your employee and sending the message that you care about her and her success.

Finally, if you are really worried that you might be micromanaging inappropriately, remember a key tenet of SLII^®: you must partner with each of your direct reports to establish exactly what they need from you on each task or goal. Giving direction is only micromanaging if the person being managed doesn’t need it. Not giving direction to people who really need it is just—bad management. Or no management.

Ultimately, the only accurate arbiter of whether or not you are giving the right amount of direction and support is the person who is getting it. So if you are concerned that you are being too bossy, ask your employee questions like “Am I telling you stuff you already know?” or “Will you be sure to tell me if I am over-explaining stuff?”

The more you ensure that your people feel safe letting you know if they need more or less from you, the more secure you will feel. And when your new kid hits D2—the stage of being disillusioned and realizing the job is harder than she thought it would be—she will tell you and you will be ready to add plenty of support. She will be a strong, independent performer before you know it!

You obviously care, and you are doing it right. Next time your husband calls you bossy, just laugh and say “Moo.”

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Think You Made a Terrible Hiring Mistake? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 11 May 2024 14:28:35 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I recently hired a new member for my team. She was great in the many rounds of interviews, seemed to have the skills we needed, and was unanimously the first choice of the hiring committee.

She is now about six weeks in, and I keep waiting to see the person I met in the interviews.

She has not completed any of her onboarding training. When I look in our LMS, she seems to have made it through only about 40% of some of the required modules. I have had to show her several times how our Teams site is set up (she was used to the Google Docs system), and she keeps asking questions that she would know the answers to if she had looked at the different files I have assigned to her. I can see in people’s files the last time they were opened, and she has only opened about a quarter of what I expected.

It’s like she can’t remember anything we talk about from one day to the next.

I asked her to submit a short report on all the calls she is attending with her teammates so that I can keep track of what she is picking up. She submitted one short report and then nothing. (I should have at least fifteen by now.) We meet every other day and I have brought this up several times. She assures me she is working on them. I know she has plenty of free time but I have no idea what she is doing with it.

I’m so confused. I don’t want to come down on her like a ton of bricks, but I need to get to the bottom of what is going on. I think I may have made a terrible mistake. What should I do?

Terrible Mistake

____________________________________________________________________________

Dear Terrible Mistake,

Oh dear. I am sorry. It is so strange when people come across one way all through the interview process, and then turn out to be not at all what you were led to expect.

The only thing to do is tackle this head on. Share with your newbie what you expected compared to what she has managed to accomplish and ask her what is going on. The question is: “What has gotten in the way of your being able to meet these expectations in the past six weeks? Is it too much work? Is it lack of clarity? Is there something you need from me that you aren’t getting?”

She will either be honest and tell you, or she won’t. If she does, then you’ll know what you are dealing with. Much as I hate to speculate, it might help you to prepare for different scenarios.

If something totally unexpected has happened, she might need help to arrange for a short-term leave.
If it turns out she has no idea how to prioritize all of the tasks, you might offer to break down the tasks you expect to see completed day by day.
If she is feeling so behind now that she has become paralyzed, you might re-negotiate her deliverables and offer a fresh start.
If she is second-guessing her own interpretation of what a good job looks like, you can offer more clarity. Your newbie may very well need a list of what you expect laid out as daily tasks until she finds her footing.

It would be smart to involve your HR business partner if you have one. If your newbie has a learning difference and needs extra time or help, there may be provisions for that. If she is dealing with an unforeseen challenge, she may need to take some time to deal with it.

She may decline to tell you the truth about what is going on and try to head you off with more promises to catch up, so you should be prepared to not accept that. The key is for you to tell the truth as kindly as possible, without judgment or blame. It might sound something like: “Look, let’s not worry about catching up. I’m okay with letting go of the reports I asked for—those were to help you keep track of what you are learning. But I do need to see x, y, z by the end of the week. Is that something you think you can commit to?”

You will also want to be prepared to share the potential consequences if it becomes clear that she is not able to do the job the way it needs to be done. Maybe you won’t have to share those just yet; but if she commits to something you think is eminently doable and then doesn’t come through, you may have to at that time.

It sounds like you have been patient. It also sounds like she may think she can fly under the radar with substandard work. It is time to get the cards out on the table—to be clear that you are paying attention but also that you are invested in helping her succeed. But for you to help, you have to understand what is going on.

Being direct and telling the truth can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to mean “coming down on her like a ton of bricks,” It just means—well, being direct and telling the truth. Not doing that won’t serve either of you. If she is ultimately not capable of doing the job, keeping things in limbo will just make things worse.

Be kind. Be respectful. Be truthful.

Give her step-by-step instructions if you both agree it will help. Give her an out if there doesn’t seem to any help for it.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Obsessing Over Losing Your Job? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 04 May 2024 11:39:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I was let go from my last job due to a massive reorganization. I didn’t like it, but my entire department was eliminated so I didn’t take it personally. I got a new job soon afterward and I like the job and the company a lot.

I have been in my new position for more than a year and have recently started to hear rumors about restructuring. I have a growing anxiety about losing my job again. This is not reasonable because I feel pretty secure here, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

I don’t normally experience a lot of anxiety. It’s very unpleasant and I would love to know how to stop feeling this way. Any thoughts on this would be helpful.

Obsessing

______________________________________________________________

Dear Obsessing,

Anxiety is indeed unpleasant; I am sorry you are grappling with it. I do have thoughts, but before I share them, a caveat: I am not a trained mental health professional. I am only a coach with some tried and true principles and some lived experience. Therefore, it is my duty to advise you to consult a therapist if none of my ideas are useful and your anxiety continues to worsen. The only reason I’m not suggesting you immediately consult a therapist is because you don’t historically struggle with anxiety and you haven’t mentioned that it is getting in the way of your doing a good job. Anxiety is not a pattern for you, and it is not yet keeping you from functioning.

Now, to the promised thoughts.

Anxiety, at least a little, can be useful. The key is to leverage anxiety to fuel success—to run it. And not let it run you.

I have two categories of tips to share with you. One of them is neuroscience research so that you can understand what anxiety is and learn to befriend it. The other is standard career-building wisdom, or ways you can use anxiety as fuel.

Here is what we know about how our brains work. The brain is a prediction machine and its job is to keep us alive. When hard or challenging things happen, the details get encoded into our brains as known threats. The part of the brain where threats are recorded (the limbic system) cannot tell time; therefore, it makes no distinction between the past and the present. And it is emphatically not known for being reasonable. It is kind of like a big, dumb gorilla who is assigned to be your bodyguard and can’t tell a real threat from something that looks a lot like a threat but isn’t. To your gorilla guardian, the idea of restructuring equals “I am going to lose my job, starve to death, and die alone in the street.” It isn’t his fault; it is simply what he knows based on experience and watching the news (and, in my case, reading way too many novels). So he needs to be told to calm down and chill out.

The way to get the reasonable part of your brain to manage the gorilla is to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can be defined as noticing and paying attention to your thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. It is a skill and does take practice, but you don’t have to even be good at it for it to make a difference. When you notice feelings of anxiety cropping up, you can say to yourself, “Wow, isn’t that interesting, here is that anxiety again. I wonder what that might be about? Maybe it has something to do with the word restructuring. Hmm. Or not. I wonder what it’s about? Might I be anxious about something else?” And so on. Essentially, you can talk yourself off the ledge and get yourself back on an even keel.

Another technique is to indulge your anxiety and do what I call “worst case scenario” thinking. That goes something like this: “Oh, here comes that anxiety again. Arg. Gosh, it feels gross. I think I might be feeling anxious because there is talk of restructuring—and the last time that happened, I lost my job. So there is a chance, even though I don’t think it will happen, that I could lose this job. So, okay. What if I were to lose this job? Would that be the end of the world? No. I have proven to myself that I am perfectly capable of getting another job—in fact, I could even get a better job than this one.”

The bottom line is that you probably are not going to end up living in your car. And the reasonable part of your brain knows that.

One certain way to focus your brain away from the perceived threat is to focus it toward things you can do to ensure that you remain valuable to your current organization. This is where you can apply standard career-building practices. You might ask yourself:

Am I crystal clear about what my boss’s goals are? Do I know what matters most to them? Do I prioritize my work according to those goals and priorities?
Do the people I work with see me as reliable? Relatable? Caring? Engaged? Consistent? Responsible? If not, where might I put some attention to change any impressions that might be hurting me?
Am I as helpful to my teammates and the people our department serves as I could be? Do people see me as someone who goes the extra mile with a good attitude?
Do I go out of my way to volunteer for extra events the organization sponsors?
How might I exceed performance expectations? Can I get ahead of deadlines? Can I improve the quality of my work? Is there a way to influence my peers so that we improve the outcomes expected of us?
Do I take the initiative? When I need help solving a problem, do I have some solutions to propose? Do I see opportunities for our department to provide even more value than we already do?
Are there any new skills I might learn, or any that could be sharpened, that would make me even better at my job? How might I learn a new skill or upgrade one I already have?

People who think this way are the least likely to end up on the cut list when reductions need to be made. And I hate to tell you this, but most successful people are partially driven to excel and achieve by the terror of being judged and found wanting. It is the double-edged sword of anxiety: a little can be a huge contributor to performance; too much will prevent us from doing anything at all.

For goodness sake, please don’t attempt all of these, or at least not all at once. If one of these ideas jumped out at you as a no-brainer, try that one first. At worst, it will keep your mind busy with something positive and give you less time to ruminate on negative possibilities.

Have cozy chats with the sweet-but-not-very-bright gorilla who has your best interests at heart and tell him to take a nap. Try worst-case scenario thinking. Seek ways to make yourself irreplaceable to your team and your boss. Focus on what’s working well and make it work even better.

And breathe. Two counts in, four counts out. Ten times in a row. Five times a day.

You are going to be okay, Obsessing. Regardless of what happens.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

One of Your Managers Is Nasty to His People? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 27 Apr 2024 12:08:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I have been a student of leadership ever since I became a supervisor in my first job in the early 90s. I am now a VP of services for a collection of call centers across the UK.

I have practiced to the best of my ability everything I have learned from Ken Blanchard’s books and all of the content available over the years from Blanchard newsletters, blogs, and webinars. My company offers no training whatsoever for managers, so I have done my best to share what I’ve learned with managers who have reported to me.

I strive to seek the best in people, give them the proper mix of direction and support, help them to find opportunities, etc. Since my company has values up on the walls that have no meaning to anyone, I have come up with my own values: consistency, civility, accountability, and fairness. I share them regularly with my team and even have them on my email signature. The outcomes in my area speak for themselves, I am happy to say—until now, anyway.

I am facing a situation with a manager who reports to me. I have tried everything. He is downright nasty to his people and uses fear tactics to get results—which, predictably, have been suffering.

The last time I met with him to point out the dip in his units, he retorted that he didn’t think it was fair for me to hold him responsible for his team’s performance. He pointed out that one of my values is fairness, blatantly throwing my core beliefs in my face. I was so aghast that I was quite literally speechless. I pretended I had another meeting and told him we would take this up at his next one on one.

I have tried to be a role model for managing people and inspiring their best work. With this person, it seems all for naught. I feel confident about what I need to do here, but am writing to you to double check my instincts.

Speechless

_________________________________________________________________________

Dear Speechless,

First, my hat is off to you for your dedication to being the kind of boss we all wish we had.

Well, not all, I guess, but most.

You didn’t mention exactly what you think you need to do, but I, too, was rendered momentarily speechless by your employee’s response. I wonder who he thinks should be held responsible for the performance of a team if not the manager? That might be a question to ask in the conversation you have where you tell him it is time to part ways. (If that is not your instinct, might I be so bold as to suggest it should be.)

I know in the US, when a manager lets someone go, it is helpful to have documentation of poor performance, lack of civility, and insubordination. I don’t know if that is as necessary in the UK.

Either way, though, it does sound like you have done your utmost, and it is time to offer the opportunity to someone who at least seems to care about people and is willing to take responsibility.

Part of me is curious as to how he got the job in the first place, because he must have shown some promise—at something. But there is no telling how the sudden acquisition of power will change people. It can be truly startling.

Something Scott Blanchard (our CEO) says all the time is how mystified he is by managers who think it is okay to treat their people in ways they themselves would never tolerate. But this behavior is remarkably common. Apparently though, not on your watch.

You’ve gone to the trouble of defining your values, and I think you can lean on them to make the right decision here.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Team Member Is Overusing PTO? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 20 Apr 2024 11:35:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a team of mostly young people, all of whom manage internal communications for a global manufacturing company. A few years ago the company went to an unlimited paid time off policy. I have read a lot about the effects of unlimited PTO, and note that the biggest risk is that people don’t take enough time off, whereas in the past they were required to take their PTO or risk losing it.

My general approach has been that if your work is done to the expected standard, taking PTO is fine. I guess it never occurred to me that anyone would take off more days than what I consider to be reasonable unless they had medical issues or were taking care of a family member. It also never occurred to me that my idea of reasonable is not necessarily what others may interpret as reasonable.

My problem is that I have one person who takes entirely too much time off. And it isn’t to deal with problems—she is off larking about with her friends. (Note: this is not my opinion; she shares openly.)

Her performance is excellent, so I can’t really make the case that she shouldn’t take PTO—except other team members are noticing and judging. She often is not available to discuss work assignments or to help others on the team when they need something from her.

I think she would be eminently promotable if it weren’t for the fact that she never seems to be around. How do I tell her that it just isn’t a good look? Her overuse of PTO is causing me, and others, to question her commitment to the job. Do you think that is fair?

Questioning Judgment

___________________________________________________

Dear Questioning Judgment,

Boy, isn’t this interesting? It highlights what happens when rules are open to interpretation and when we make assumptions.

My first thought is if Larking About can get her work done with plenty of time left over, she could be doing so much more if she buckled down and put some elbow grease into it. But I suspect that would be interpreted as old-school thinking. And we all know that the reward for excellent work is—more work. This is how we have collectively created the hamster wheel we all perpetually bemoan. So my second thought is wow, Larking About might be on to something. My third thought, based on my experience that you never know what hard thing is coming at you, is that we should all save up as much goodwill as we can regarding PTO for when we really need it.

But seriously, as her manager, it is up to you to help LA understand the impact of her choices on her career, as well as the impression her choices are having on both her reputation and her options when it comes to optimal work assignments and advancement opportunities.

I imagine your employee handbook has some guidelines about how people should use “unlimited” paid time off. For example, my own company requires that all team members submit their time-off requests in advance to their manager for approval, collaborate with their team to ensure proper coverage, and limit their consecutive out-of-office days to no more than 15 at a time. It might be useful to find the handbook and see what is laid out in black and white that might support you when the time comes for a conversation.

Because that is where this is leading. A conversation. The first order of business is to find out what LA’s hopes and dreams are when it comes to her career. She may not think of her work as a career; she may simply think of it as a job. If that is the case, other than making sure she complies with whatever rules do exist, there may not be much you can do. LA may be just fine having a job and doing it well. No harm in that.

However, if LA does want a career, which would mean development projects and advancement, she needs to know how the intangibles—what I think of as “personal public relations”—are going to affect her future.

You can keep personal judgment out of it and simply share that perception is important and taking excessive PTO can create an impression of a lack of commitment to work. When it comes to advancement, it’s a fact that HR and leadership teams tend to favor those employees who exceed expectations over those who simply meet expectations. So if LA has ambitions to advance, she might consider taking on volunteer roles or more work for the team, which would limit her PTO and bring it in line with expectations. This, of course, would require you to define what you believe to be reasonable. I suspect what is reasonable in your mind is roughly the amount of vacation time that employees were afforded before you went to the new model. If your company does not provide guidelines, you might find some in this article: Paid Time Off Practices Around the World.

Do I think it is fair that LA’s behavior is causing others to question her commitment? It doesn’t matter what I think. That’s what is happening, fair or not. Perception is everything, and LA needs to understand that. Once she recognizes the impact of her choices (with your help), she can decide to change them. Or not. And she will reap the consequences of those choices.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Procrastinating with a Writing Assignment? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 13 Apr 2024 11:37:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a marketing director for a medical devices company. I manage all our social media and speaking engagements, which involves a lot of details and spreadsheets with tasks and tracking results. Part of my job is to conduct interviews with experts and write them up for our website, and to write articles that make the latest research accessible and engaging to our audience of doctors and nurse practioners, as well as the patients who (hopefully) need what we make.

My problem is that I block out time to write, and it always seems to get overridden by crises of the day, emergency team meetings, the limited time of the doctors I need to interview—you name it. Something always seems to get in the way. Am I just making excuses? I have tried blocking time on weekends, which works, but then I feel resentful that I am sacrificing my very limited personal time. I am behind on my writing commitments and can never seem to get caught up. I haven’t been dinged on my performance (yet), but that is only because my manager has also done a lot of writing and is sympathetic.

How does anyone manage a huge job and focus on writing projects? I worry that I have become a professional procrastinator. Any ideas here?

In Procrastinating Hell

__________________________________________________________

Dear In Procrastinating Hell,

Oh, do I ever have some ideas—because I have lived in that hell for a very long time, and so has every writer I know. Anyone whose job involves writing has to make their peace with how they make time for it. Even successful novelists have to spend part of their workdays managing administration, requests for manuscript reviews and quotes, editing finished work, etc.

I wish I had a magic wand for you, but there isn’t one. The only way, which you clearly know, is to block time. The thing you haven’t figured out is how to protect that time as if your life depends on it. I am going to share an idea that you are not going to like. I didn’t like it when I first stumbled over it (in a blog about how hard it is to get writing done as part of a full-time job that involves a million other tasks), and I still don’t.

But I can guarantee that it works.

I call it the early bird method. I deploy it when I have a critical writing deadline that I am not making progress with. Here it is:

Set the alarm for 5 AM. Do not hit snooze. Get your coffee or matcha, be at your desk at 5:15, and write from 5:15 to 6:15 AM.

You resent giving up your personal time, which is fair, so if you want to try this, you might be able to make the case with your sympathetic manager to end your workday an hour earlier. The beauty of the early bird method is how unlikely it is that anyone will try to schedule over that time frame.

You might hate that idea so much it is an automatic no for you. You might be such a night owl that it is simply not in the cards. In that case, consider writing from 8 PM to 9 PM four nights a week. Hate that just as much? Your allergic reaction (if you are having one) to both options may provide the grit you need to aggressively guard your writing time on your regular workday calendar. If the word aggressive seems too strong, well, that might be part of the issue. It takes nerves of steel to protect your own time to focus on what is important. It is a sign of taking ownership.

Might I submit that one of the reasons you are susceptible to being pushed off course by the myriad crises du jour is that you are terrified of what I think of as the “tyranny of the blinking cursor.” This makes you normal. Writing is scary. Writing is hard. And writing, like anything else worth mastering, seems to just get harder because the better you get at it, the more you realize how much better you could be. Writing requires 100% of your focus. There is zero possibility of multi-tasking, and every interruption takes a minimum of five precious minutes of recovery.

Let’s talk about procrastination. There is compelling research from Dr. Sirois, a professor of psychology at the University of Sheffield, that proposes when we procrastinate it isn’t because we are lazy, it is because we seek to avoid negative moods around a task. So, think about it. You feel pressured (because who doesn’t?), worried about job security, nervous about your writing ability and God only knows what else. So what is needed to overcome the tendency to put off what is hard is self-compassion. Take a little walk and admit to yourself all the unpleasant emotions you have connected to writing and talk yourself off the ledge by acknowledging them, reminding yourself that all those emotions are normal, totally okay, and nobody dies trying to get writing assignments done. The upshot is that you must get better at being kind to yourself. Becoming a dependable writer is a bit of a spiritual development program, too! Unexpected bonus! The unpleasant feelings are real. One writer I work with recently admitted that the blank page gets her into such a state she sometimes takes a Xanax when she must start something brand new. I submit that idea might not be sustainable but, in a pinch, hey, I’m not judging. The point is that you must find a way to calm yourself down; intense exercise, meditation, mindfulness, prayer, singing along with Broadway shows at the top of your lungs, putting on Uptown Funk and dancing like a lunatic. Whatever it takes.

Finally, there are some little things you can do to help yourself before you sit down to write:

1. Capture ideas as you go about in meeting mode, all the stuff you do that might accommodate multi-tasking. Keep your notes app open or keep a legal pad at your side and create mind maps for each writing project as you lead up to butt-in-seat writing time. Entire outlines can come to you in the car or in the shower—don’t let those go to waste!

2. Interview yourself out loud while recording yourself on your phone. Pretend you are the interviewer who asks questions like:

What is the big idea for the piece?
What makes it important?
Who needs to know this big idea?
How would you explain it to a six-year-old?
What is most surprising about this idea?
What evidence can you share that supports this big idea?
Is there a story you can share that will help others relate to it or apply it?

3. Some writers I have worked with have had some success creating small rituals to get them into writing mode; e.g., cleaning off the desk, getting tea, lighting a candle, counting your breaths. Whatever works to get you settled down and into the zone.

4. Find a dedicated writing spot. I worked with one manager who had an open-door policy and could not bring himself to turn down anyone who needed his help, so he ended up escaping to the back stairwell of his office building when he needed to write. The sheer physical discomfort helped him get the job done in record time! Some people find it much easier to focus when the silence isn’t deafening, when they must use part of their brain to tune out ambient noise. You can find them all at your local Starbucks.

5. Go for a walk. All the research shows that getting outside and walking literally doubles our creativity. It is rare to see such a startlingly clear effect in scientific research. So if all else fails, go out for a walk, take your phone (on DND), and record your genius.

Ultimately, however, there is no getting around the unpleasant fact that you must schedule and defend writing time. If you are succumbing to pressure to relinquish it, it might be due to your own unwillingness to face unpleasant emotions. Tell yourself the truth and forgive yourself. Get up early, work late at night, resort to weekends—if you can’t get it done during the regular workday, it is up to you.

Every single person who writes knows how hard it is. Experiment with some of these ideas, and, most importantly, don’t give up.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Questioning the Work Ethic of New Hires? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 06 Apr 2024 12:01:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I read your last blog Not Sure How to Address Burnout? with interest. I work in consulting with one of the big five consulting firms. We hire go-getters and work them hard. The competition is fierce and only the most driven get promoted. The rewards are, shall I say, significant—but I won’t lie, the workload is intense. We never pretend otherwise.

We hire kids straight out of the best business schools because we know they’re the brightest and are used to brutally hard work. Yet, in the last few years, I have noticed a lot more complaining about workload. There seems to be an expectation among our newbies that they should get to have lives outside of work. WTH?

Frankly, that just isn’t the way it works. I keep referring them back to what was shared with them before they signed on: There is quite literally—I mean, in writing—the expectation set that, at least for the first couple of years with us, people should expect to not be able to do much other than work. I don’t know how we could be more explicit.

I find this very tiresome. What happened to paying your dues? What happened to sucking it up and devoting oneself to high performance? What happened to dedication? I know I should be more empathetic, but when I try to empathize I always go back to feeling resentful. The voice in my head says, “Well, I worked like a dog for umpteen years, I figured it out, I never whined like a big baby, which is why I make the big bucks and get to boss your sorry ass around.” I know that attitude is not getting me anywhere, but I am not sure what to do with it.

Any insight around this?

Exasperated

________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Exasperated,

If you found my blog, you must have an interest in leadership—which is good, because ultimately it is your job to figure out how to lead these young people. Your long-term success and the continuation of the big bucks, as you say, depends on it.

At the risk of offending you, may I point out that you sound like every boomer and Gen Xer who complains about millennials and Gen Zers? To be fair, you sound like every member of every generation who has reached middle age and complains about “kids nowadays.” You probably have trouble getting your head around their music, their fashions, and the way they use social media. And I can just hear you rant on the topic of gender politics. But that’s okay. It is only human.

Let’s take a look at your industry. Like high finance, medicine, and the law, many people were attracted to your kind of work back in the day because of the promise of status, money, and material success. Most of the millennials I know today are attracted to professions that are likely to afford them some stability and a shot at achieving or sustaining what you and I once thought of as middle class, let alone the opportunity to build generational wealth. The specter of student loans is big, dark, and chilling. That is how radically the world has changed.

The generations you now manage are also much more interested in meaningful work, personal fulfillment, and life/work balance, possibly because they witnessed their parents work like dogs and take very little pleasure in life. Just to provide some clarity about what younger people today don’t want, envision someone watching their dad devote thirty-five years to paying down the mortgage and trying to put something away for the kids’ college tuition only to see him drop dead a week after retiring. It’s a bracing cautionary experience.

These generations have also grown up with constant one-upmanship and unrealistic expectations set by the fairytale lives they see on social media. By the time they arrive on your doorstep, they’ve been under absurd amounts of pressure since middle school. If you are exasperated by their behavior, imagine what it must feel like to them to be judged and found wanting at every turn.

You say they are complaining. To whom, I wonder? About what? Did you never complain when you were in their shoes? I’ll bet you did. And I’ll bet that if your superiors heard about it, they ignored it. It is a normal thing to do, it is a way of letting off steam, and in no way does it indicate burnout. Complaining vociferously about how hard you work is a time-honored form of boasting—what the kids call “humble bragging.” If you are actually worried about burnout, watch for symptoms such as a radical reduction in productivity in someone who was once a star performer, unusual amounts of absenteeism, or an uncharacteristic lack of civility.

I appreciate your attempt to be empathetic. That is a great impulse. You are right that the voice in your head (which made me laugh btw, thanks for that) isn’t helping you. But if you think people can’t hear that voice, you are dead wrong. They hear it loud and clear, and it is eroding their trust in you. I encourage you to find another talk track for the voice. Perhaps a curious voice; one that asks “What might be motivating to this person? What are they looking for that they aren’t getting?”

Seek to understand what your people are really saying. Ask questions like:

Can you tell me more to help me understand what is really going on right now?
What exactly would you want to be different?
What would work better for you if we could make changes?
What does it mean to have a life? How is that different from what you have now?
What is missing that would make a big difference to your quality of life at work?
What strengths do you bring to the table that you might be underutilizing?
What else do you want me to know?

Listen for what is real. There is a good chance you will find it much easier to empathize. It is entirely possible that, like most young people, your employees are perfectly happy to work incredibly hard as long as they have the flexibility to do the other things that are important to them. It is possible that just being asked the question and having a chance to talk out the answers will be all they need to go back out there and crush it.

One thing every person from every generation has in common is that no one wants to be judged. Chris Argyris, a Harvard professor and an influential authority on organizational behavior, said in the 90s that the secret to the success of the big five consulting firms—including yours, presumably—was that they identified and hired “insecure overachievers.” (I can’t find the exact quote, so it might be an apocryphal anecdote I heard from someone who worked at Boston Consulting Group.) You’ll know if that was true when you were a newbie, and if it is still true now. The reason it matters is that there is a fine line between harnessing anxiety and fear of failure to drive successful behaviors and letting it reduce you to a quivering mess. If it is still true, your job is to help your people walk that fine line to ensure their own success and, therefore, your own.

Your job as a leader is to influence your people; to help them connect to the meaning of what they are engaged in and what matters most to them. If they are in it for the money, that is an easy motivator. But many of your people may be driven by other things. Find out what they are and have conversations in which you brainstorm how to connect the work with what drives them. Listening without blame or judgment will send the signal that you care. Wait till you see how people perform when they think their manager actually cares about them. You may see a radical turnaround. Ask yourself the question “What do these kids bring that we didn’t have, and how can we leverage that?”

If you resent that nobody ever cared about you, and you had to soldier through with horrible bosses, well, okay, I am very sorry about that. But isn’t that all the more reason not to inflict those experiences on anyone else?

So suck it up, Exasperated. Cut out the judgment, get curious, and see what there is to learn in all of this. There is a good chance you could become an expert at this approach and even influence others in your company. Wouldn’t that be something?

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Technical Genius Needs to Play Well with Others? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 30 Mar 2024 12:21:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a regional president for a global financial services company. About five years ago, I hired a whiz kid to inject some creativity and innovation into our use of technology and how we approach our regional customer acquisition. He is technically a genius in terms of IQ, and he excels at grasping key ideas and creating plans to execute them. When he started, he was also very good at creating relationships and influencing people to try new things with a minimum of drama. He quickly rose to be invited to join the leadership team. The projects he has spearheaded have significantly improved our business (which has historically trailed behind other, larger regions), and some of his ideas have been selected to be applied globally. I truly give him full credit for all of the success, and he has been well compensated for his efforts.

However.

I heard through the grapevine that at the last big leadership team meeting, Whiz Kid behaved very badly. (This was the meeting where the business unit leaders were tasked with aligning their goals with the strategy designed by the executive team, which includes other regional presidents.) He was heard by multiple people saying that he is the only strategic person in the entire global organization, including our CEO (who is world famous). He was negative about our strategic initiatives.

In our last one-on-one, WK told me he was insulted that he hasn’t been invited to join the executive team and he thinks he should be paid twice what he is making. In addition, he has abdicated from execution efforts on many of his recent projects, claiming that they aren’t a good use of his time.

I can’t help but feel that I have created a monster. How do I reel WK back in and get him to see that, as valuable as he is, he still has a lot to learn about leading others?

Created a Monster

______________________________________________________________________________

Dear Created a Monster,

This is a classic. It is easy for a young person who comes into an organization and adds a ton of value to miss the memo that they don’t know what they don’t know—yet. When someone is a genius and can do things no one else can do, what incentive do they have to slow down and assess the value of rounding out their edges and making an effort to acquire skills they don’t have?

It sounds like you might have strong opinions about what good leadership looks like, as do I. But I also know those opinions are based on our experiences, and Whiz Kid hasn’t had those experiences. You and I may believe he has a lot to learn (and he probably does), but he is only going to learn those things by hitting the ceiling that stops his success—unless what he knows and does well is so valuable that nothing stops him. There are plenty of examples of that in the news.

Look. You can absolutely have a conversation with Whiz Kid where you share your thoughts about leadership skills and what it means to be a good organizational citizen. He may or may not get it. He may or may not care. You don’t have much control over that. So you must be prepared to give him what he wants, reach some kind of compromise, or risk losing him to another opportunity.

Possibly you can find a way to create some kind of consulting contract so he can work part-time with your group and find other opportunities with other businesses to do the things he does best. Many geniuses who can’t or won’t play nice in the sandbox with others end up being lone wolf consultants.

This means you will have a decision to make. Hopefully, you can find a creative way to leverage his genius without giving him free reign to wreak havoc with your people.

By all means, do try to share your wisdom on topics such as paying dues, humility, and what makes a person successful in the long term. You may be able to “reel him in,” as you say. I suspect, however, that it won’t work. In my experience, the only thing that catalyzes people to change is when the pain or cost of not changing is greater than the pain or cost of changing.

You didn’t create the monster; the monster was always there. All you can do is try to engineer things so that you can continue to leverage the best from him—and, for as long as you can, mitigate the damage he might do until he jumps ship to test his wits elsewhere. He will find his limits eventually. Everyone does.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure How to Address Burnout? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 23 Mar 2024 11:01:00 +0000

m39, Essen, NRW, Deutschland, Business

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Dear Madeleine,

I’m a tech founder and have developed a tool called “burnout tracker,” which is embedded into our 1:1 tool. Without going into too much detail, the tracker is able to predict when a support conversation between manager and employee is needed.

Here’s my challenge: What is common sense to me seems to be a foreign language to many of the managers using our tool; for example, that during a support conversation, the leader listens to the direct report and provides help where they can.

Yes, the phrase “support conversation” is a bit vague. But to me, that’s where the gold is. By simply asking “How can I best support you at the moment?” the leader can get the team member to provide insights into what they need. Unfortunately, this isn’t happening.

I think the managers feel ill-equipped to have support conversations. It feels strange to them—they mistakenly believe they need to play the role of therapist.

So, if the employee says they are burned out, what should the manager do next? My natural response would be to first ask the employee more questions. Sort their answers into two buckets: (1) things I can help with; and (2) things I can’t. Then help with the things I can, empathize with the things I can’t, and find resources that may be able to assist.

Is there a framework or model I can share that would help managers feel more confident going into a support conversation?

With gratitude,

Burnout Support

P.S. Thank you for your blog. As I’ve mentioned in the past, I’m a huge fan of your work and am a better leader because of you and your insights.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Burnout Support,

First, thanks for your kind words. They mean the world to me!

Now, to your question. I love the idea of a burnout tracker. If only we humans had a handy gauge on our forearm—like a gas gauge—that could alert us to an empty tank while we still have time to do something about it.

This is a big can of worms, partially because you are right—managers are terrified of conversations about the complexities of being people. It is sad that smart people think they need an advanced degree and a credential to do that. When I taught coaching skills to managers and leaders, I heard the question “Wait, are you telling us we need to be therapists?” a million times.

So the first order of business is to train all of your managers in simply being a human being who can have conversations with other human beings about being a human being. To be fair, this is a big ask in the tech industry, since many who end up working in it would much prefer to not have to interact with humans. Am I biased? Maybe. But this is what being a manager means, so it would be good if managers understand that from the get-go. I know you can’t go back in time, but it’s never too late.

The average manager doesn’t receive manager training until they have been managing for ten years. So you are not alone. Here is a white paper—Core Skills Every Manager Should Master—that outlines the core skills every manager needs as well as the elements that help, or prevent, the building of trust.

Trying to track burnout is also a can of worms because, in my opinion, once symptoms of burnout appear, things are already so far gone that it’s hard to turn them around. It’s best to catch the problem early before it causes real trouble.

Christina Maslach, coauthor of the book The Burnout Challenge: Managing People’s Relationship with Their Jobs, says helping people cope with stressors is a good step. But it is far preferable to address the origin of the stressors that cause burnout in the first place. You might check out how she recommends your managers do that.

Finally, I propose that individuals who are feeling chronically overwhelmed, cynical, and hostile about the organization, and also losing faith in their own effectiveness, are probably not going to be willing to make themselves vulnerable to their manager. The manager can ask questions all day long, but if they are hoping their people will spill the beans about what is really going on, that will only happen if the relationship was properly set up at the beginning.

You have to remember that many employees, no matter where they were raised, internalize the story that work is a contact sport. It is a Darwinian fight to the death out there, and only the strong will survive. The age of managers being the agent of a harsh organization is not that far behind us. People need to have evidence that their managers see them, hear them, and have their backs. Managers need to nip the “Hunger Games” story in the bud by seeking to understand their employees’ strengths, development areas, and dreams. They need to do their utmost to tailor the job to the best of each employee and monitor each person carefully to make sure that the job is actually doable for each person.

So, the question “What do you need?” should be asked at every 1:1 meeting. Having a manager ask questions and identify how they can help is best done weekly. Address the small obstacles and blockers early and often, and escalate the large organizational ones before they get out of hand.

Burnout is just a modern word for the despair experienced by humans who are stuck doing jobs that can’t be done. The condition is universal and ancient. The best way to avoid it is to build support into the manager/employee relationship early, and weave in support every step of the way. That way, when people need it the most, they will be much more likely to avail themselves of it.

Your instincts are right on. It is inspiring to know that at least one tech founder out there cares enough to create a tool and ask the question. Keep going!!!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Not Sure What Innovation Means for Your Team? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 16 Mar 2024 14:14:38 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I work in fashion manufacturing. I was promoted about six months ago. I manage the supply chain, timelines for delivery of goods, etc. I have a huge team and work all hours because I am in western Europe and my teams are in China, Mexico, and Vietnam.

When I took the job, things were a bit of a mess, and I am very pleased to have turned things around. I instituted new software and updated processes. We have worked through the kinks and things are humming along nicely.

My boss seems pleased with my work but told me the executive team is seeking more innovation in my area.

I have asked for more detail because I am stumped. I thought the place for innovation was in the design of the product, not in the execution required to get it to market. Taking the job felt like a big risk for me, and I am more confident now that I have had success. But my sense is that innovating requires taking risks—and there is no tolerance for errors that might impede our ability to deliver on orders.

I have zero confidence in my ability to innovate in this job. My boss is not offering any insight into what “more innovation” might mean for my group. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions.

Any ideas?

Zero Ideas

_________________________________________________________

Dear Zero Ideas,

You might be suffering from a language dilemma—because the crazy thing, ZI, is that it sounds like what you just did was innovate, and in a big way. You see yourself as someone who spots what isn’t working and does what needs to be done to make it work. A problem solver, perhaps. It probably didn’t occur to you that everything you did to fix the mess (trying new ways and working through the kinks) was, technically, innovating.

I would submit that the executive team sees you as an innovator because of what you just accomplished, and they are asking for more. So just for a moment, at least for the time you spend reading this, can you accept that you are already an innovator? It is a shift in your mindset that may require suspension of disbelief, but may be worth trying on.

Britney Cole, our vice president of innovation, has a lot of wisdom on this topic (you can read her most recent article here). She says the first step to innovation is to define it. Her definition: “Innovation is the discipline of applying ideas that solve problems in new ways to create value.”

Can’t you see yourself in that definition?

Another of Britney’s insights is that to be successful, innovation efforts need to have two specific things in place:

A person who is dedicated to continual improvement (you).
An innovation-friendly company culture.

As you seek to develop yourself as an innovator, you can rely on your natural talent for identifying problems and finding the best solutions. You can build on that talent by asking yourself these questions:

What is working brilliantly (that might be applied elsewhere)?
What pain points still exist in our business (that could stand improvement)?
What new ideas have surfaced that might benefit from further inquiry (that perhaps we have discounted in the interest of efficiency)?

I suspect ideas will begin to pop immediately. For more guidance on what to keep in mind as you go, here is another article from Britney.

An additional suggestion, which I learned directly from Britney, is to apply the design thinking “How might we” approach to solving problems or making improvements. (Please forgive my total ignorance of your business, but I am going to make up a few examples based on your letter):

Now that things are working well, how might we leverage technology to make them even more efficient?
How might we minimize confusion caused by working across multiple time zones?
How might we scale so that our business can grow more quickly?

It’s possible your organization may not be that friendly to innovation, so you may have to be a trailblazer to shift your culture. This might even be what the executive team is asking for. When senior leaders in companies want more innovation but have no idea how their culture actually discourages it, they tend to identify individual innovators and hope that they can help. It is a classic example of how lack of clarity at the top of an organization can show up; it is a bit of an “I’ll know it when I see it” attitude that is, frankly, irresponsible—especially since a culture of fear already exists that you will need to work against.

Here is an e-book about The Factors That Encourage and That Discourage Innovation in Organizations. This may help you identify the potential obstacles you could face from a systems standpoint as you seek to experiment.

It is totally fair that you require more detail, and you are probably right that asking more questions may help you get what you need. Your instinct to ask questions is right on the money. The key is to keep asking until you get the insight you need.

Here are some ideas. If none of these is quite right, I hope at least they will spark others that feel more useful.

What will the executive team see or have if I innovate more?
What results would make a difference to the organization?
What is making the executive team most nervous about our business/ the marketplace/ the economy?
What problems does the executive team see that innovation would solve?
What is most important to the executive team, and is maybe not being addressed?
Are there things our competitors are doing that we need to be doing?

And finally:

If we rely on the above definition of innovation, how might our business add or create new value that would excite the executive team?

Your first step, ZI, is to shift your self-concept. That alone will increase your confidence. Continue to do the things you are good at: spotting problems and solving them. Keep asking questions. Go slow. Build plans and get feedback. Get buy-in every step of the way.

I suspect you will surprise yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

CEO Doesn’t See Flaws in His Executive Team? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 09 Mar 2024 12:46:00 +0000

Portrait of a man in a mask for sleeping. He stands in the airport terminal and spreads his hands in disbelief. The concept of travel, insurance, large airlines. Mixed media

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Dear Madeleine,

I am an HR generalist working at a REIT (Real Estate Investment Trust). Our CEO started the company about eight years ago, and I have been his right hand since the beginning. He is a genius in many ways—high IQ, a deep intuitive understanding of the real estate markets, a complete whiz with spreadsheets and how money works. He has a dazzling intellect and charismatic personality.

When I first started working with my CEO, I thought he had a flair for hiring. He spots talent and goes to a lot of trouble to pursue people and persuade them to come and work with us. He now has an executive team that he has hand-picked over time, and he depends on them.

The problem is that he falls in love with these people and can’t see any of their flaws. He refuses to hear anything negative about anyone he’s hired (although he can be ruthless with everyone else).

We have a chief financial officer who started out amazing, but is now wildly inconsistent. She comes in looking like a million bucks, prepared, and brilliant one day, and disheveled and semi-coherent the next. I suspect a serious substance abuse problem or possibly a mental health issue. Our industry is highly regulated and having our books in order is critical. I believe our CFO’s erratic behavior is going to cause some real headaches in the future.

Our chief revenue officer clearly has something shady going on. He disappears for days at a time and his direct reports must either wait for him to show up to make pricing decisions or make decisions on their own. They are often frustrated because they are held accountable for closing deals, and, in many cases, they can’t move forward without him. This is now impacting our numbers—and when troubleshooting conversations happen, the fact that our CRO is AWOL most of the time never seems to come up. His direct reports come to me to ask if I know where he is, and I never do. I swear he has another full-time job.

Our head of IT has multiple personalities. He is amazing at what he does, but all of his people are terrified of him. I am also afraid of him. You never know who you are going to get—sometimes he is perfectly normal and other times he is downright mean. It is only a matter of time before someone files a hostile work environment claim.

There’s more, but you get the idea.

I have tried to raise these issues with the CEO. I have shared my observations in writing and set meetings with him to brainstorm how to approach these problems. He is now skipping our regular one-on-one people review meetings, not opening my emails, and essentially ignoring me.

I truly care about my boss. We built this company together and he has always trusted my input. I know he doesn’t want to hear what I am saying, but I am afraid at this point that he actually may be risking everything he has worked so hard to build.

How can I get through to him? I feel like a train is coming at us and he refuses to get off the tracks.

My warnings are falling on—

Deaf Ears

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Deaf Ears,

Well, this sure sounds frustrating. The Curse of Cassandra, familiar to anyone who is paying attention, describes the frustration experienced by someone seeing disaster ahead and not being able to influence those who need to heed the warning to listen.

I think many are also familiar with the personality profile of your CEO. I have worked with many executives like this.

At the risk of offending you, I am hearing that you have a fantasy that you should simply be able to walk into your CEO’s office and dump all these problems on his desk for him to deal with. Part of what is happening is that he doesn’t want to see what is in front of his nose because he already has too much going on. I suspect he also doesn’t want to face the unpleasantness of having to hold people accountable—especially if he is still operating under his initial impression of them, which no doubt didn’t include the reality that everyone, no matter how great, has flaws and frailties.

You have been with your guy from the beginning, and yet you call yourself an HR generalist. I wonder why you aren’t CHRO? Are you not a member of the executive team? If you’ve been there since the beginning, do you not have equity in the business? If not, why not? You didn’t ask me about this, but it might be part of the problem. If you haven’t earned the CEO’s respect after all the work you have done together, it might explain why he is ghosting you at this point.

I’m really not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to get to what is really going on here. If what I’m saying resonates with you, and you can spot the pattern of letting your CEO overlook your contribution, it may be time to cut your losses and find a new environment where your experience and smarts are appreciated and properly rewarded.

If I am way off on this, please forgive me, and let’s try another angle.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a senior executive say “Don’t bring me problems without some ideas for solutions.” I would be able to pay for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean. This leads me to suggest that you send your boss an email with the subject line: Some Problems I See and What I Think We Should Do About Them. Volunteer to do most of what you think needs to be done; e.g., the hard conversations that go something like “This is what I am seeing; what is going on here?” And if he doesn’t respond to that, it may be time to decide that someone must be an adult—and tackle the bad behavior yourself.

The question is: how much power do you have? If key employees are having problems, especially problems that are going to impact the organization, aren’t they in your wheelhouse? Are you not taking responsibility for what is going on because these people don’t technically report to you?

If the CFO is acting strange, what is getting in the way of your sitting down with her and pointing out what you see and how it concerns you? Wouldn’t you say something if you smelled alcohol on an employee?
If the CRO is AWOL and his people are coming to you, what keeps you from calling him and saying, “Where on earth are you and what the heck is going on?”
If your CIO is awful, especially to you, where are your boundaries? As the head of HR and the employee with the longest tenure, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you would say “You are acting kind of scary, and I request that you cut it out—and, for that matter, that you do not behave this way with anyone else in the company.”

Are you afraid these people will all go running to the CEO to have him provide cover? If that’s the case, it is time for you to leave him at the mercy of the train.

It sounds like you have given up all of your power. This has probably happened slowly over time. You have had your common sense and authority overridden for so long, you have gotten used it.

Oh. Oops. We’re back here again.

This is not the answer you wanted. I’m sorry. But somehow you have lost your power to influence your CEO. Either you have lost his respect (and because he is obviously loathe to confront anyone, he has not shared that with you), or perhaps he is waiting to see what you will do. Maybe he thinks it is your job to confront these people.

If your CEO won’t give you the time of day, you have to confront that. If you make yourself impossible to avoid, you will probably get a straight answer. Then at least you’ll know.

You have some big decisions to make. They aren’t fun or easy ones. But at least you are smart enough to get off the train tracks yourself. So, if all of your efforts fail, please do that.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

People Wasting Their Potential? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 02 Mar 2024 11:55:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am a senior manager and have managed people for decades. I am a student of leadership and work every day to be a better leader. Here is something I am having trouble putting into words, but I hope you have some inspiration for me.

I make a big effort to help my people develop their skills so they can achieve their career goals. I put a lot of time in, most of it listening and offering guidance. Many of my team members have gone on to great things, both in my own company and elsewhere. But just as many, if not more, have not. It is frustrating to see so much potential wasted. Everyone has their reasons for not taking advantage of the opportunities in front of them. Sometimes I know what the reasons are, sometimes I don’t.

It didn’t dawn on me until recently, as I watched a brilliant and gifted young person self-sabotage despite my best efforts, that I am tired of being disappointed. It is making me second guess the value of the investments I make in people. I wonder if I should bother.

Appreciate any thoughts you have.

Disappointed

_______________________________________________________

Dear Disappointed,

Well, you did a good enough job of putting your thoughts into words to make my heart ache. I have heard this kind of vague sadness from others, and have felt it myself, but I think you hit the nail on the head. This is one of the reasons managing people is hard. And the more you care, the harder it is.

Disappointment literally makes our brains hurt. The research reveals that disappointment produces a significant chemical response in the brain that makes us feel terrible. The brain stops releasing dopamine and serotonin suddenly and the result feels intense. The higher the expectation—and thus the extent of the disappointment—the more dramatic the yuck. You are not imagining it.

It kind of makes you want to tell people when they first start working with you, “Look kid, I am going to give you all I’ve got, so don’t disappoint me, okay?” But you won’t. And you shouldn’t, because it wouldn’t work. Why? Because it is your own expectations that are setting you up for the letdown.

There is no blame or shame in having expectations, but if they continue to cause you so much pain, you might think about finding ways to temper them. Some ways to temper your expectations:

Gain clarity. Spell out for yourself what your expectations are. Perhaps have conversations with your people in which you find out what their own expectations of themselves are. There may be gaps in both your and their expectations that will help you to modify your outlook.
Ponder a distinction. There is a difference between having a big hopeful vision for someone else and expecting something of them. Sharing a big hopeful vision—what you see as possible for someone—can be a huge gift. It can shift how someone sees themselves in a transformational way. But it is simply a gift, given with no expectation or pressure. If someone requires pressure to achieve what is possible for them, that needs to come from within.
Work on your attachment. It might help you to reframe your call to go the extra mile for your people as a mitzvah. Mitzvah is a Hebrew word that means “good deed” or acts of empathy and kindness. Right now it seems you are expecting something in return for your generosity—which, don’t get me wrong, is totally normal. It just isn’t making you happy. Take something Nelson Mandela said as a guide: “There is no greater gift than that of giving one’s time and energy to others without expecting anything in return.”
Remember that everyone has choice. Ultimately, no matter how valuable the gift of your time and attention, every person on whom you bestow your gift is going to choose what they do with it. In the end, it is completely out of your hands and out of your control. You are letting yourself get really upset about things that are entirely uncontrollable. You, too, have a choice.

Your conundrum reminds of a wonderful poem, “On Children,” from Kahlil Gibran’s The Prophet. I know you are not a parent, but many see the parallels between managing and parenting. I hope this excerpt might resonate for you:

“You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

This may provide the perspective you need to sustain your kindness. Your other option is for you to just give up and decide to not bother anymore. That would be cynical and it sounds like you are no cynic.

So take pleasure in the wins, but remember they are really other people’s wins. You may mourn the losses as well, briefly, but remember that they also belong to others.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I will take this opportunity to encourage anyone who reads this and is reminded of a manager who made a big difference in their life to reach out and say thanks. Just a brief note on LinkedIn would do the trick—or, of course, a handwritten note is always welcome if you have the address. I know—so retro.

About Madeleine

Daily Back-to-Back Meetings Have You Fried? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 24 Feb 2024 14:25:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a small team in a big company. Here is my problem. I start my day at 7 a.m. with a meeting, and then my entire day is back-to-back meetings. Almost every meeting generates work for me to do or to delegate to someone on my team—which requires another meeting.

When am I supposed to get all my work done? After ten hours of meetings, I feel like that’s when my real workday starts. But by then, I’m fried.

Thoughts?

Meeting-ed Out

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Meeting-ed Out,

This is a perennial problem for almost everyone. Unfortunately, substantially changing anything will probably require a shift in company culture. There has been so much written on this topic. You might think about collecting the facts and presenting them to HR to see if you can garner support for changing the collective habits in your company. If you are suffering, everyone else probably is, too.

But hey, trying to shift culture will result in—more meetings. Just what you don’t want or need. So what could you do short of that?

Some of what is required in your situation is a shift in mindset. Right now you are accepting any and all meetings. You might need to harness your courage and take control of your time. No one can do that for you. Here are some ideas that might work for you:

Review your meetings and take a hard look at which ones are yours or your team’s. Those are the ones you have the most control over. Challenge yourself to see if any of them can be consolidated, shortened, or moved to bi-weekly.
At the very least, you and your team could agree to implement “no-meeting Fridays.” We have implemented this in our organization, and it has made all the difference.
Another thing you can do with your team is to make all meetings 30 minutes. It’s very easy to fill time, but there’s no law that says meetings need to last an hour.
Patrick Lencioni wrote a great book called Death by Meeting. In it, he says there are four kinds of meetings: Daily check-in meetings, which should last 10 minutes max. Weekly tactical meetings: 45 to 90 minutes, max. Monthly strategic meetings: 2 to 4 hours. Quarterly off-site reviews: 1 to 2 days.

I’m not saying these rules are the only ones to follow, but at least Lencioni provides a framework that can show how some meetings are not necessary or could be better run.

Look hard at all the meetings you are in. Do you really need to be in all of them? Can you send someone else on your team? If you are delegating, is it possible that the person you are delegating to should be in the meeting instead of you? If so, make sure they send you the bullet points about any decisions made in the meeting or actions to be taken as a result of the meeting. If you’re worried about perception of others, or being judged, share your reasons. You might start a trend.
Request that any meeting you are invited to have an agenda sent out in advance. If there’s nothing on the agenda that requires your input, decline—and request that you be sent a transcript of the meeting.
Block off focused work time on your calendar, and don’t accept meetings that are scheduled over that time period. You don’t have to explain to anyone (except your boss or their boss) why you aren’t available. If people really need you in a meeting, they will find a time that works for you. (Note: This may require some re-training of people who have become used to your being available all the time.)
Finally, challenge yourself to use technology. Zoom now has a feature that can transcribe meetings. Almost all companies have technology you can use to have a quick chat, delegate tasks, etc. Not everything has to be a meeting.

This situation probably crept up on you over time. And it will take some time to unwind it. Be bold, be fierce, and be relentless, so you can get your brain and your life back.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Dealing with a Toxic Boss? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 17 Feb 2024 12:36:00 +0000

m56, Köln, NRW, Deutschland, Office, Loft, Business, modern, Büro, Arbeit, m39, Team, Teamwork, Generationen, Aggression, Wut, aggressiv, Gewalt, Führungsstil, Chef

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Dear Madeleine,

My boss is just awful. He is the son of a friend of the owner, and the owner has no idea how he treats people. Although he comes from a company in our industry, where he was the operations manager, he really doesn’t understand how different things are here.

I love my job. I have been doing it for over twenty years, and I am acknowledged by everyone in the company (except my boss) as knowledgeable and masterful. I have also won several awards from peers in my industry. I speak at conferences, am regularly asked to contribute to panels, and many people have sought me out as a mentor.

And yet my boss treats me like an idiot—and regularly calls me one. He frequently questions my decisions, even though he has no idea what he is talking about. It wouldn’t matter as much if his antics didn’t waste enormous amounts of my time.

Some of my work does require me to make educated guesses—we are in the fashion industry—so trend intel is helpful but really only gets us so far. So I have to rely on my intuition and experience. More often than not, I nail it, which is why I have my job. Very occasionally, I miss the mark.

When that happens, my boss quite literally crows about it to everyone, boasting that he knew it all along. (I am sure he would say “I told you so,” except that he has never accurately predicted failure.) He seems hell-bent on trying to ruin my reputation—and I believe he would succeed, if everyone in town didn’t know me well and also see him as a complete loser.

I have read many books on dealing with difficult people, managing conflict, and having difficult conversations. Essentially, I have tried everything to no effect. In fact, the harder I try, the worse he seems to get.

I fantasize about something bad happening to him, which is not at all like me. I have put a great deal of study and effort into evolving myself to be a spiritual person but this whole situation is testing me beyond my limits. I have to control myself not to obsess about him and not to spend every social interaction complaining to my friends.

This experience makes me feel hateful. It is casting a shadow on my entire life now. I am hoping you have some ideas for me.

Feeling Hateful

__________________________________________________________________

Dear Feeling Hateful,

I do have some ideas. But first let me share that you’re not alone: Here is a recent article reporting that a little over one-third of people say they work with a toxic boss. Respondents describe feeling dread about going to work, increased anxiety, recurrent nightmares, and the need to seek therapy as outcomes of having a toxic boss.

I can’t imagine how the knowledge that so many are suffering along with you will make you feel better, except to prove you are in good company. The term soul-crushing is no exaggeration, because, as you describe, feeling so disrespected can make a person feel that they are changing at their very core.

This is a classic situation where you have three choices.

Change yourself.
Change the situation.
Remove yourself from the situation.

So. You might as well take this opportunity to change yourself, no matter what else you choose to do. Since you have already done your homework about how to shift your communication style, the next step is to work on increasing your self-regulation. If there was ever a time to rise above and be the grownup, it is now.

You could practice distancing—a technique to reduce the emotional impact of events that generate outsized overwhelming feelings. To distance, relate the story of the latest outrage as if it happened to someone else. It might sound like this: “My friend Lucy has the worst boss; wait till you hear what he did. First, he called her at 11 PM, and then yelled at her the next day for not picking up. You know Lucy—she goes to bed at 10 and always puts her phone on silent. Then he dressed her down in front of her entire team. He literally called her a ‘moron’ and a ‘slacker,’ if you can believe it. Lucy! The hardest worker we know!” I know this sounds a little weird, but try it and see if it helps.

Another possibility is to look to your spiritual training and practice mindfulness, which means to observe your own thoughts and feelings with curiosity and without judgment. I might submit that some of your discomfort comes from your adding to the negative experience by piling on judgment of yourself about how defensive and irate it makes you feel. Instead of judging yourself for every hostile thought you have, just notice that you have a hostile thought. And let it just be. Let it not mean anything about you.

The hallmark of any sound spiritual practice is to treat every interaction with someone who makes you enraged as if the person is a spiritual teacher. You might ask yourself: What is there for me to learn here? How might this support my evolution as a spiritual person? I am laughing as I type this, because I know myself how devilishly difficult it is. When I try to do it, I mostly fail. But that doesn’t make it any less worthwhile. I mean, let’s face it, it’s easy to be our best selves when everything is going well. You know that’s true—and if you hate me right now, I can’t blame you.

Once you are feeling a little more self-control, here are a couple of other ideas.

Would it be too obvious to escalate the meanness and the demoralizing effect on you and your team to the owner? They obviously know your track record and must rely on the value you provide. Nobody wants to be accused of going over the boss’s head and being a tattle tale, but in this case, don’t you think the owner would want to know? You don’t mention anything about them, so maybe you already know they can’t be bothered—or they have made it clear that they would take his side no matter what. But it wouldn’t do at all if you finally decided to jump ship and the owner was surprised.

If bringing it to the owner’s attention is not an option, you might anonymously leave articles such as Leaders: This Is the Impact Trustworthiness Has on Your Success or The Five Biggest Red Flags of a Toxic Culture on your boss’s desk. There is no shortage of research on how terrible bosses are bad for the bottom line. You might just leave a new one every week or so, and see if it makes a dent. You never know when the penny might drop for your boss. If he is just a regular numb nut, he could come around. But if he is a power-hungry narcissist who is trying to make you quit so he can hire his girlfriend, you probably have no chance.

This leads us to your final option. You didn’t say you were thinking of quitting, but that is always an option. Some might encourage you to behave so badly that he has cause to fire you, but I think that is beneath you and so disingenuous as to be unsuited to who you strive to be. Not to mention the potential damage to your reputation, which will be important as you seek to create a new opportunity.

So there you have it, my friend. You either learn to let the nonsense roll off your back and play the long game while trying to influence subtly; try to get the owner’s support; or, if it seems like you have no other choice, be prepared to walk away and create the next chapter of your career.

I am awfully sorry for how upset you are. The problem with committing to your own spiritual growth is that tests are part of the program—although I’ll grant you that this one is a doozy. This one feels like a Master Class. But I suspect you are up to it.

Remember who you are.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Influential Coworker Making You Crazy? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 10 Feb 2024 12:09:00 +0000

Fire extinguisher on calendar background with copy space. Concept of fire extinguisher education and training program appointment schedule in organization, office company, factory, school, etc.

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Dear Madeleine,

I just read one of your past columns entitled Latest Team Member Causing Chaos? I recognized the person as what I call HOF—“Hair On Fire”—and we have someone like that at our company. I have been working here for 35 years. I now work directly with HOF herself, and I’ve begun looking for a new job. Your post resonated with me so much. I was stressed out last year and now again. She even pushed me into the hospital once.

I’m a scheduler, and HOF basically makes schedule changes for her benefit. Whatever suits her. Everything you mentioned is exactly how she behaves. I’m trying to think of anything I can do other than just saying “sure, no problem.” I just give her whatever she wants. That’s what everyone on the team does so they don’t have to deal with her ridiculousness. When HOF is away, things are quiet, organized, and well run, so we all know who the instigator is. The whole team agrees she is a psycho.

I really need some advice! HOF is making me crazy.

Firefighter

________________________________________________________

Dear Firefighter,

I’m sorry the stress caused by this person is making you ill. You aren’t the first to have to contend with an HOF (what I call a “crazymaker”), and you won’t be the last.

Julia Cameron, in her wonderful book The Artist’s Way, coined the term crazymaker. She defined the characteristics beautifully in one of her own blogs here.

I once ran a high performing team that was almost destroyed by a crazymaker. When I checked in with her leader, I found out she was wreaking havoc everywhere in the company. So I was lucky—she was let go, and we were all able to get on with our work.

I see two potential focus areas for you:

Find a way to let HOF’s behavior roll off your back and learn how to manage your own stress more effectively.
Find a way to band together your whole team to revolt and stop HOF from getting away with acting like a psycho.

Learning how to manage stress is a lifelong pursuit. It will probably serve you well regardless of what happens with HOF. I am not an expert on the topic, but there are countless resources available to you. Just ask Google.

The usual stress-reduction advice includes breathing techniques that stop the flow of adrenaline and activate the parasympathetic nervous system (this works—I know). Other typical suggestions are: getting exercise (especially outdoors if possible); hanging out with pets;, meditation; a mindfulness practice; prayer; getting proper sleep; working with a therapist; and, as a last resort, medication. Pick one or two to try, adopt the one that feels like it helps and, well, do it. If anything will help you avoid another trip to the hospital, it is worth committing to.

Also, as it happens, stress reduction methods include developing the ability to set appropriate boundaries with people and say no to inappropriate requests. It sounds like you and everyone else on your team of schedulers could use some help with that—unless, of course, you have somehow received a message from above that HOF must be accommodated at all costs. For more detail on setting boundaries, you can find a post on that here.

Sometimes a crazymaker is so successful at bringing in business, closing deals, retaining high-paying clients, and getting referrals, it’s clear that everyone should do everything they can to accommodate the person. This is often a tremendous source of frustration for those who support rock stars. However, I will also note that such stars often run out of goodwill and end up being only as good as their last deal. They have no friends to get them through the dry spells, and it rarely ends well.

Which brings us to your second avenue for action. My questions are:

Where is your boss in all of this? Is anyone in management aware of the problem, and do they have the power, influence, or skills to escalate it to someone who can do something about it?
How does HOF have so much power over a whole group? Is it real power or simply perceived?
Is there a chance the whole team of schedulers might collectively refuse to work with HOF if she doesn’t comply with the norms everyone else seems to be able to live with?
HOF is either aware and doesn’t care, or simply unaware. Can you tell which it is? If it turns out she is unaware, is it possible she might change her behavior if someone were to make her aware?

If, in your assessment, HOF is aware and doesn’t care, but adds so much value to the organization that no one is willing to call her on her misbehavior, finding a new job is probably your best bet.

Here is the thing. It is ultimately up to you to set appropriate boundaries. If you can convince your teammates to do the same thing, it might just work. Of course, I don’t know the details of your work, but it could sound something like this:

“Your request to move those four appointments is going to cause chaos in the schedule. I understand you need to ask us to do it in this instance, but please try to avoid these kinds of shifts in the future.”
“This request is not appropriate. It will cause a domino effect we can’t control. You will need to get my supervisor’s permission for that.”
“We booked those appointments because your calendar was open. In the future, please keep in mind that if your calendar isn’t up to date, we won’t feel confident booking you and your bookings will decline.”

If you get better at setting boundaries, HOF’s next move will be to find someone else on the team who isn’t as good, and she will abuse that person until they quit or get sick. Or, ideally, they’ll follow your example and push back with kindness and respect.

Remember, the only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefit from your not having them.

One universal law to be aware of: if you don’t build your own skill for setting boundaries in your current situation, you will undoubtedly run into a different version of this problem in your next job.

So in the spirit of “nothing left to lose,” I suggest you try to:

Learn and commit to at least one stress-reduction technique.
Get help from above.
Agree as a team to just say no to the crazy.
Practice respectfully setting reasonable boundaries.

Crazymakers get away with their shenanigans because people let them. You can always hope and pray that they change (they won’t) or that you’ll never run into another one again (you will). Your life will be vastly improved if you learn to stand up for yourself.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Promotion Seems Like a Deal with the Devil? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 03 Feb 2024 12:59:56 +0000

Two businessmen meeting in empty building

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Dear Madeleine,

I work for a large publishing company. I started here because my dream is to someday be a published author, so I thought I would at least be in the industry.

I have been here for four years. I started in marketing and am now an editorial assistant, which sounds a lot loftier than it is. I get a lot of coffee, manage schedules, and, very occasionally, read submissions.

Anytime I am asked to do anything remotely editorial, I end up doing it on my own time, because my boss—who is very erratic and disorganized—is constantly throwing tasks my way. I also get tasks from other editors who apparently don’t trust their own EA to do them correctly. My free time is when I work on my novel.

My boss recently asked me if I would be interested in managing all the editorial assistants. It sounds like I would still have my job as her editorial assistant, but would also oversee the nitty-gritty for all the others (there are six of us). Basically, none of the senior editors want to do the paperwork involved with annual reviews, vacation requests, or dealing with poor performance.

My boss is positioning this as a promotion. There would be a bump in pay, which would be welcome since the pay is barely adequate as it is (some EA’s work remote, but I am in NYC and the cost of living is absurd). However, the job would entail a lot of responsibility, which would make it almost impossible for me to do the work I want to be doing. Plus, all these people are my friends, and I would be taking the side of their boss in holding them accountable and giving them feedback.

I already know who the slackers are—the ones who duck work and slide by doing the bare minimum. What I really want is a promotion to full-time editor. I have never wanted to manage people; I can barely manage myself. I want more money, but this feels like I’m making a deal with the devil. Also, if I don’t take it, one of my peers will and then I would potentially report to someone I know way too well and don’t respect.

I am in such a muddle. I don’t want to sell out my dream. Can you help me with this?

Deal with the Devil?

___________________________________________________________

Dear Deal with the Devil,

Yes. I can.

I can tell you that you already know the answer. There is no muddle here. You see the whole landscape very clearly. The editors are trying to delegate work that is at best tedious, at worst emotionally draining.

Trying to manage your peers will be the exact nightmare you anticipate. You will be able to manage the poor shmo who eventually bites this fishhook. Just don’t let your lack of respect show.

If you need time to write, you must fight to protect it. You can live without expensive treats like Starbucks, but you can’t give up on your dream. Not yet, anyway.

There are not that many truths to live by. For example, when something seems too good to be true, it is. When people tell you who they are, listen. The one to apply in your case is when you suspect you are making a deal with the devil, you are.

Write.

Love, Madeleine

PS: I am an obsessive reader, so if you need readers, I promise I will read your novel.

About Madeleine

Making Change without Breaking Things? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 27 Jan 2024 12:09:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I am the CEO of a mid-sized business. I was the COO for many years and stepped into the CEO role six months ago. The good news is that the business is in good shape—there is a high demand for our products. The bad news is that it could be so much better.

Our former CEO was a bit technophobic and totally risk-averse, so he resisted my efforts to upgrade things when I was COO. He knew he was stepping down, so he figured I could just do what I wanted when I took the CEO job. But he left me in a bit of a fix. All of our systems are antiquated to the point that some versions of some software are no longer supported by the developers. Literally every process and system we use needs to be overhauled. Some can be consolidated with new software and some can be eliminated.

I am getting an endless stream of reports, many of which are incomplete or simply irrelevant. I worry about how much time is being wasted by the people who create them. My current leadership team is mixed—some are as frustrated as I am and expect me to fix things fast, and some don’t see any need for change and are worried about my urgency.

I have a big vision for what is possible and feel a lot of responsibility to bring us into the twenty-first century, late as it may be. As I said, the business is in good shape, but that isn’t going to last if we don’t up our game.

My question is: How much is too much? How fast is too fast? How do I go about making change without breaking things beyond repair?

Where to Start?

______________________________________________________

Dear Where to Start?

I can feel your commitment and your frustration. If I am understanding you correctly, the question actually is: How do I prepare the business to be competitive in the future and ensure its longevity without disrupting its current success?

It would almost be easier if the business were already showing signs of distress caused by the lack of modernization. But in most cases (as you well know), by the time that happens it is already too late. The problem is that people generally aren’t willing to change until the cost of not changing becomes unbearable.

I’m sure you wish you could wave a magic wand—but I’m not sure that would get you what you really want. Because the due diligence, research, coalition building, and other work you do to gain support for your vision will help you refine that vision and ensure that you get it right in the long run.

The first order of business is to articulate your big vision, craft a high-level strategy for how to achieve it, and get unequivocal support from the top. You don’t mention a board or owners, but presumably there are people who care as much about the long-term success of the organization as you do. You will need their support to do even a fraction of what you envision.

Then you will need a long-term plan. In this case, start with three years. Get input on the plan from your board, your leadership team, outside consultants who specialize in business transformation, and any other smart people who are willing to take the time. You probably have some smart individual contributors in the organization who see what you see. Get them involved.

Once you have a plan, share it with the entire organization. Once again, seek input. This is almost impossible in large organizations but there are ways to do it in smaller ones. There will be a lot of resistance—some of it short-sighted but also some that might point to flaws in the plan. Truly listen, don’t just act like you are listening.

Then go. Slowly, carefully, respond to concerns, talk to people, encourage them, and remind them what the point is.

You may very well have to replace some members of your leadership team. You cannot attempt full-on transformation without united leadership. This is tricky, because you also don’t want to surround yourself with yes-men. People who mindlessly agree with you are not the answer. You will want to encourage dissent and contrasting views and consider all viewpoints. Your leaders don’t have to agree with every change, but they do have to agree to support it once the team has decided on the best course of action. Without leaders who can inspire, role model new behaviors, patiently explain the why for any new change, empathetically talk people off the ledge when they are freaking out, and hold people accountable, nothing good will happen.

You also will want to be on the lookout for leaders who feel coerced and resentful, who say one thing to you and something else to their team. In the interest of keeping their jobs, they say yes to your face and then discredit you to others. They duck responsibility and blame the powers that be—in this case, you. They build their own coalitions of people who are loyal to them but not to the organization, which creates a hopelessly siloed organization with departments working at cross-purposes. These pockets of discontent in your organization will weaken it slowly in ways that will be hard to pinpoint. But if we agree that whatever is going on in any unit is about the leader, that is your clue.

The more work you put into planning, inviting input, re-designing the plan, and mapping out the steps to execution in a timeline, the better off you will be. Spend time talking to people and listening to them. Use a phased approach. It will take more time than you want it to, but trying to move too fast won’t get you the results you want. Be prepared for roadblocks and setbacks, and use them to learn and get better.

CEOs who manage turnarounds aren’t known for their patience or their empathy. And most get it spectacularly wrong.

Get support. Invite input. Win hearts and minds. Tell stories. Use examples. Communicate more than you think you should. Take it slow and steady, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Respond to new information as it comes in. Track and praise progress, take obstacles in stride. Reward persistence and grit.

Oh—and keep your sense of humor.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Working from Home and Feeling Left Out? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 20 Jan 2024 11:11:00 +0000

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Dear Madeleine,

I work on a team where I am the only member who is remote. Pre-Covid we all worked together at the office, but during the shutdown I took advantage of my company’s remote-work option and moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents who need help.

Many of our meetings are still on Zoom because several team members still work from home a couple of days a week. But other times, everyone is together in a room and I am the only one on Zoom. There are often several side conversations going on at once, as happens when people are together in person. I have trouble hearing everything, and the group often forgets I am there. This past week, two people left the room and had a conversation about a situation that I should have been a part of. I know it wasn’t intentional, but it still doesn’t feel good.

What can I do about this? I am worried I am going to start missing more important things and my contribution may start to seem less important as time goes on.

Feeling Left Out

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Feeling Left Out,

Well, this sounds like no fun. You are suffering a bit from a collection of natural human unconscious biases. Primacy or recency bias, in-group favoritism, and others can easily add up to an effect that might be summed up as “out of sight, out of mind”. It isn’t personal, so the first thing you can do is try to not take it personally.

There are two specific avenues for you to consider. The first is to discuss your experience with your manager and enroll them in helping you to change this dynamic. It is incumbent on your manager to arrange things so that you feel included; but of course, they may not see it that way. So you may need to make it easy for them to help you.

To do that, you need to let your manager know that you frequently feel excluded during the meetings where everyone is face to face except you. You will want to be prepared with ideas about how the manager, the team, and you can all navigate these meetings differently. Any changes will require discipline—and your manager will need to role model any behaviors that will make a difference. If it is feasible given the situation with your parents, you might also propose coming to the office for a few days every month or every six weeks. The company may be willing to pay the cost of travel or split the cost with you.

The other thought is that it wouldn’t hurt if you could engage in regular one-on-ones with everyone on the team. The thing that happens when people are together in person is a natural water cooler-type informal connection. All the human stuff: “How are you doing? How are the kids? Is the puppy house-trained yet? Did you complete the marathon? Hey, is that a new car I saw you getting out of?” You know—just the small talk that results in people bonding. Even a 15-minute coffee break with each of your team members on a regular basis would make a difference. This practice helped virtual teams get through Covid and was naturally dropped when people felt the one-on-ones were no longer needed. But you do still need that connection, so you will need to be proactive to nurture your relationships in this “new normal” time.

You might consider asking someone on your team to be your in-room partner, who can take responsibility for actively including you in the meeting. Having an active advocate for you will always help. If that isn’t feasible, you will have to do it yourself. Don’t be shy about reminding people that you are still in the meeting when it becomes apparent that they have forgotten. This used to happen back in the days before video meetings, when there was one lone person on the speaker phone.

I can’t imagine you are alone in dealing with this situation. There are more hybrid teams today than ever before—and managers need to up their game to make sure everyone feels like part of the team. But you can also rise to the challenge by getting help, making requests, and piping up even when it might be uncomfortable.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Hired the Boss’s Son? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 13 Jan 2024 12:15:00 +0000

Naughty boy with his father businessman at office

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Dear Madeleine,

I work in a large global organisation. The president for EMEA (UK and all of Western Europe) is my boss’s boss. I recently hired his son into my team.

He gave a good interview and seemed totally committed to the role. Since then, I find him very challenging. He mimics his father, who is several levels above me. He doesn’t show up for team meetings (or gives a weak excuse why he can’t join) and he challenges the way we operate within the organisation with phrases I assume he has heard from his father. I need him to perform his role, not his father’s, and I feel that he thinks he is protected.

Recently I had a special project where his father intervened unexpectedly and unusually for someone so high up in the organisation, at a time I had briefly discussed the project with his son. How should I deal with this behaviour? I don’t want his conduct to spread like contagion through the team, and I also don’t want to give him special privileges just because of his father’s position.

Hired The Boss’s Son

__________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Hired The Boss’s Son,

Isn’t this a can of worms! I wish I could wave a magic wand and send everyone back to the starting line so that clear agreements about how to proceed when family members join an organization could be designed before you got started. But of course that isn’t very helpful, is it?

You have two choices here, and the direction you go will probably be informed by your own sense of how much power you have in the situation and to what extent you feel secure in your job.

Choice One: You nip the unacceptable behaviour in the bud. Have a serious sit-down with The Prince and explain:

That your job is to help him be as successful as possible in his current role, and that you look forward to seeing him advance quickly so that he can implement all of his ideas about how things should be done when he is in the position to do so.
The chain of command and the inappropriateness of his going over your head.
Your expectations of all of your team members, including him, that everyone attend team meetings.
Your expectations of anyone in his role: what the job is and is not.
Your commitment to fairness; your belief that privilege is earned, not granted because of family connections; and your need to see a marked change in his behaviour.
That his performance evaluation is at stake, and that if he cannot control himself and show appropriate respect for the team and for you as his manager, he will not be successful in the organisation. (Be sure to be crystal clear on this one.)

If you feel safe enough to do so, you may ask for a meeting with the father to enroll him in your quest to help The Prince be as successful as possible in his current role. If the father can’t see how wrong his son’s behavior is, and doesn’t have your back, this route will probably not go well. Finally, you also need your human resources business partner to know what is going on, so HR may be able to intervene as well. It was up to your HRBP to see this coming and provide the necessary extra preparation before you hired, but I guess the practice of nepotism must be new to everyone. It is one of those things you don’t know until you find out the hard way.

Choice Two: If you don’t have support from HR and the big boss, you will probably need to suffer the annoying behaviour until you can shuffle the kid upward and away from you. It wouldn’t be the first time a problem child got promoted so that someone could avoid conflict. I hate to even suggest it, because this is exactly the kind of responsibility-ducking that contributes to the weakening of organisations. But if you believe your own job could be at stake, you may not feel like you have a choice. The risks with this are that you might lose the respect of the rest of your team (although they may understand how untenable your position is)—and you may also endanger your reputation with whoever his next boss is when they realize that you fobbed off a disruptive, entitled brat onto them. Then again, if the big boss can’t or won’t see the problem, everyone will have to suffer together.

This conversation is close to home for me as a family member who works in a family-owned business. We actively practice nepotism, in that we are delighted to offer opportunities to our own friends and family, and those of our employees, who have the requisite skills and experience. The key, however—and we have indeed learned this the hard way—is that there is no preferential treatment when it comes to performance and adherence to the company values. Maybe the most important message we have learned to share with the folks who come into the company with privilege (whether it is real or simply perceived) is this: Privilege comes with increased responsibility to demonstrate alignment with the company values and be an unimpeachable performer and a contribution to one’s team. You might want to add this message to the list of bullet points above.

You inadvertently stepped into a bit of quicksand and will have to proceed very carefully to extricate yourself without losing your self-respect, possibly your reputation, and of course, at the very worst, your job. Get as much support as you can, and feel out the power dynamic to decide your path. Keep your wits about you. And be deliberate whether you choose to go into battle or duck and wait it out.

The one thing I can say for sure is this: even if The Prince doesn’t learn a little humility at this stage of his working life, he will at some point. Life humbles all of us eventually. Would it be better for him to get the memo now, while he is young enough to really benefit? Of course it would. It just may not be your job to make sure that happens.

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine

Concerns about an Upcoming Performance Review? Ask Madeleine

Madeleine Homan Blanchard — Sat, 06 Jan 2024 11:50:00 +0000

Dear Madeleine,

I manage a global team of extremely talented scientists. It is clear how the work we do benefits our organization. I got a new boss about nine months ago, and I’m pretty sure my unit was the only one that wasn’t a dumpster fire.

I have been left completely to my own devices. I don’t know if my boss even knows what my team does—and he hasn’t shown evidence that he cares. I was given my budget for 2024, which is fine since it is almost exactly what I had for 2023 and nothing is changing. All our goals are the same because they are all phased out over multiple years.

My annual review is coming up in a month. I want to prepare, but I have no idea what the boss is looking for or what he is going to want to know. I’m not sure how to operate in a vacuum like this. Any ideas would be appreciated.

Left Alone

__________________________________________________________________________

Dear Left Alone,

In some ways, this is a best-case scenario. So many people wish they could just be trusted to do their jobs without constant interference. The downside to this situation would only become apparent if you needed resources you couldn’t get, or if you were hoping for recognition you might need to be considered for promotion. If neither of those two things is an issue, I would say no news is good news.

That being said, I think this moment might be an opportunity to:

Make sure your boss knows what you do and how critical your team’s work is to the business.
Reassure him that you have everything you need to continue your stellar performance.
Find out what else he wants to know.
Plant some seeds for future plans, if you have ideas.

You might consider writing an email or even creating a presentation that outlines what your team accomplished in 2023 and how those accomplishments contributed to the company’s strategic imperatives. Include answers to questions you think he might have. Then share your goals for 2024. It might also be a good idea to give your boss monthly updates on what has been accomplished, what obstacles you face, and what, if anything, you need from him.

In preparation for your review, send your boss a list of topics you think he might want to hear about from you and ask if it is accurate.

If you do all this, no one can accuse you of not keeping up your end of the manager/employee compact. And you might learn a little bit about how your boss thinks and what is important to him.

You don’t seem to require a ton of affirmation or acknowledgement, which means this kind of arrangement could go on indefinitely. So that’s good. But you don’t want to be surprised, either, so a bit of advance scouting to ascertain what is going on in your boss’s head wouldn’t hurt.

Happy New Year to you!

Love, Madeleine

About Madeleine